October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Someone, at some point, determined that October would be named as the national "Domestic Violence Awareness Month" in the U.S.  Here are some statistical facts about DV&A:

• 90% of all DV&A occurs in front of children
• 60% of all DV&A occurs in the home or dwelling
• 1 in every 4 homicide of a female is committed by their intimate partner
• 60% of female teens have experienced violence or abuse by their intimate partner
• 40% of all teenagers (male and female) know someone who is being abused
• each year, over 4 million women report DV&A while 1 million men report
• children who witness DV&A not only attempt to intervene, but are found to be chronically ill with medical issues and infections
• the overall annual economic impact of DV&A exceeds $37 billion in lost wages, medical costs, court fees, and law enforcement

These figures are current statistics and, each year, these numbers increase at a dramatic rate.  And, each year, October is a month that is bombarded with public service announcements, literature, and guest speakers at high schools that relay these statistics.  To what end?  DV&A is not an urban legend or myth - we know that.  In order to reduce the statistics, individuals need to make this dreadful epidemic their business.  If you witness DV&A or hear about it, do something, even if it's to simply make an anonymous call.  Sadly, this may or may not break the cycle, but it's taking some type of action.

Also, learn more about the dynamics of DV&A.  Sure, the statistics are staggering and, at the very least, sobering, but there remains a tremendous stigma surrounding DV&A across the boards.  Men who experience abuse at the hands of their female partners are often terrified of being ridiculed, with good reason.  I've actually seen a Law Enforcement officer ridicule a male victim by saying, "Whassa matter?  Can't handle the little woman?"  Women are fearful because they've been told that they'll be killed by their partners, lose their children, and live in a box - which, as it comes to be, isn't so far from the truth.

We know the statistics, already.  But, statistics don't alter current Family Court opinions, legislation, or consequences of DV&A.  There was a case that I witnessed in Court where an immigrant female told the Court (through an interpreter) how her husband of 3 years had demanded sex from her when she was 8 months pregnant, and beat her so badly when she declined that she lost her baby.  She brought with her vivid color photographs of the lacerations, bruises, and broken jaw, along with the blood-soaked nightgown she'd been wearing when this beating occurred.  The defendant was fined $800 and sentenced to "anger management" classes for beating his wife's face to a pulp and causing their baby to be stillborn. 

So, the point of this post is to affect changes in legislation.  Locally, regionally, and nationally, DV&A needs to have dire consequences.  Fines?  What good are fines if someone can't or won't pay them?  Serial abusers - second reported incident - should result in the defendant (found guilty, of course) making small rocks out of large rocks with a 45lb maul for 12 hours a day for 6 months.  Once they are released, they must pay restitution to the victim for the rest of their lives, even if it's $25.00 per week.  The reason is because DV&A continues for as long as the survivor lives in every facet of their lives, even if they seek and obtain strong counseling therapy.  The weekly restitution also reminds the perpetrator that there are PERMANENT consequences for abusing other human beings.

"Why won't the victims just LEAVE?" is often the war cry of the ignorant.  And, I mean wilfully ignorant.  The dynamics of DV&A are far more involved and intricate than an "outsider" can even fathom.  So, the way to inform one's self is to get involved with local Victims' Services groups and learn, firsthand, what the dynamics really are.  Learn whom the victims really are.  Learn what abuse really is.

Some recognized abusive behaviors and patterns from www.helpguide.org include:

• your partner constantly checks up on your whereabouts (phone calls, text messaging, contacting friends, contacting family, etc)
• threatens to commit suicide if you leave
• your partner controls your access to money and/or tranpsortation
• your partner threatens to harm your pets or your children
• your partner controls your access to friends, family, work, church/synogogue, etc.
• your partner disallows you to communicate  - takes away your cell phone, tears the land-line phone from the wall, prevents you from leaving
• your partner has an unpredictable and hair-triggered temper
• your partner harms you, physically, by punching, slapping, pinching, shoving
• your partner blames you for their actions, choices, decisions, or behaviors
• your partner belittles you, humiliates you, obejctifies you, dehumanizes you
• your partner demands sex from you regardless of how you feel
• your partner ridicules your sexual performance or sexual appeal
• your partner tells you that nobody else would ever want you
• your partner shows up at your job, friends' house, or anywhere else

These are only a few of the recognized behaviors of DV&A, and the victim is often left feeling:

• powerless
• helpless
• hopeless
• impotent to facilitate their own rescue
• fearful of being murdered
• anxiety from being hypervigilant
• avoid certain topics of conversation
• changes their preferences to mirror the abusers'
• feeling numb or emotionless

Make noise about DV&A.  That doesn't mean that one should go charging into a domestic altercation to rescue anyone, but it means to help, donate, advocate, and learn the facts about this social and cultural pandemic. 

www.thehotline.org

www.helpguide.org

www.joyfulheart.org

www.shrink4men.org

www.familyarrested.com

www.180rule.com

The most important thing for anyone who is reading this post and believes that they are living in an environment of DV&A is to understand that the abuser is not going to change.  They are          not         going           to            change.  No promise, no assurance, and no guarantee from the abuser that s/he is going to "get better" will ever come to fruition.  Not ever.  An abuser abuses because they can.  They have either been genetically predisposed to violence, or they have witnessed domestic violence as a child, or both, but whatever their issues are will not change what they are.  It will only get worse.  You are not alone, you are not stupid, you don't "deserve" to be abused, and you didn't "ask for it."  Contact your local DV&A hotline, or see one of the links, above, and get out.  There's help, and there's hope.  And.......if I can do it, anyone can if they're willing to try.