So I’m writing this book which is partly autobiographical, and I’m at a en passé.

My life feels very strange. I’m embarrassed by my past and just can’t accept it or identify with it, so I’ve invented something of a alternative pass.

I’ve only had sex with a girl once, when I was 19, and I’m 21 now. This alone is a huuuggge problem for my mind to accept, so I invented a past where I lost my virginity at 13 and have had many times since.

I think sexuality is one of the best human experiences, and

I’m actually really depressed because I feel like I’m missing out on all of the “young lust” stereotypical experiences. I know it’s cliché, but 18-21 is supposed to be a fun time full of memories that you can never do again. I feel like I missed out on an era of sexuality that I can never get back. I sometimes cuddle and make out with pillows because I so desperately want that feeling if warm intimacy.

I’ve had this huge lifelong identity struggle dealing with the difference between my self image, and how I must actually look to others. I FEEL like someone cool who excels in life, a winner who everybody respects, a guy who gets lots of girls, one of top-tier SEC types.
I’ve been a loser all around pretty much my entire life.

I just can’t make sense of what I actually am. A loser in high school? Only had sex once when I was 19, and I’ve never actually picked a girl up? A nobody in life at 21 years old? My brain just can’t process it, and so I’ve invented this alternative past.

The thing is, I really do feel like I'm more like my alternative past. I feel like I could bethatway easily, and
I'm just stuck. I think ifI become famous, the truth would actually be more intriguing. A part of me almost wants to go with the fake version, but have people somehow "find out" without me knowing, so I think I'm maintaining the lie, but everybody secretly knows.

Thing is, I don’t know which one to write about. I’m not even sure which would be the more interesting story. One is about an intense psychological struggle and journey to fulfill self identity and expectations, marked by mental illness and wild fantasies, and one has that to a lesser extent, but also reads like how slash was Slash in 1987 in his autobiography.

I feel stuck and don’t know what to do. I could really use help here.