I am so sorry that you've experienced this for so long. There is only one way to stop this abuse, and he's not going to do it - you will. You'll stop it by leaving, and leaving ASAP. When abusers choose isolated living arrangements, it's not to live a self-sufficient and self-sustaining lifestyle. It's so that they can perpetrate their crimes against their victims without the fear of witnesses. I know this from personal experience.
You know what you're dealing with, and you may not realize that you are a valuable part of this vast Universe after so many years of abuse. But, you are. And, to survive this, you will need to exit in secret and without threats of leaving. When victims announce or even hint that they intend to leave, they are in the most danger because the abuser doesn't want its property disappearing.
Yes, they are "charming" on a superficial basis, and most people would never believe that they are capable of what they do. But, they are quite capable of inflicting damages on every level.
Visit this website to learn where your closest resources are, and begin planning an exit strategy with the closest agency available. You will have to do this in complete secret - do not tell ANYONE about this, even children, family, friends, etc..
You have a choice, now. You can either save yourself and your very life, or you can allow this piece of shit to stomp your soul into the ground before he ends your life, one way or another.
My most brightest protective blessings to you
Ronbn49, have you ever shot someone in self-defense? Have you ever been arrested for aggravated assault? That's a pretty glib response to someone who's in dire need of serious suggestions.
Jurplesman, the unfortunate statistics with regard to the facts of domestic violence and abuse are not accurate, by a long shot. The statistic are only gathered and combined by Law Enforcement and abuse hotlines. There is far more abusive behavior that goes on than the general public will ever know about.
Having worked as a parole officer, you've seen it all, and I agree with your insight on this grim situation. I find that the original poster's account is credible for many reasons, but the most basic reason is that it's raw and to the point. She needs to get the hell out as soon as humanly possible - preferably, when the abuser is out for the day.
Once again, that website of resources is: www.ndvh.org
Venkvelaga, it is not my intention to ridicule your well-meant response, but it's wrong - DEAD wrong. If the victim (original poster) chooses to remain with her abuser, then no amount of aromatherapy, ambient lighting, or new-age philosophy is going to prevent her eventual murder - and, from her descriptions (and, if they are even remotely accurate), she will eventually be killed by her abuser.
Suggesting that the victim attempt to create an atmosphere of tranquility is the most outrageous suggestion I've read or heard in a long, long time, online or in Real Life. It is laying the actions of the abuser squarely on her shoulders and making her responsible for his choices. To even suggest such an idea tells me that you know nothing of what abuse is, why it occurs, or who is ultimately responsible for the abuse.
DO NOT even entertain the idea of slipping someone a tranquilizer, under any circumstances. It would be easily and effectively construed as attempted murder. This is a legal fact, not a feeling. Don't even frigging think about it.
There is no excuse or reason good enough to ever remain with an abuser. Someone who has threatened murder and perpetrated the types of abuses that the original poster spoke of will, without fail, end up killing his victim - either by his own hand, or by proxy. I've over a half of century of life's experiences and I can say this with complete confidence.
I would strongly urge you to visit the following website and educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse before posting any more advice to someone who might be in crisis. Not to sound harsh, but I have to call it the way that I see it, and ignorance of the facts regarding domestic violence and abuse can be very, very dangerous.