I have schizophrenia for about 10 years now. Sometimes I think it is in fact a condition resulting from demonic assaults, but then I think I should be more reasonable and call it a medical condition. I usually go by thinking it has some of both definitions.

I'm not sure if one could say I cope well with it. Most of the time I am sitting at my desk in my room, either playing video games or hanging out in the net somewhere. I don't usually enjoy work when it lasts longer than 30 minutes or so. Last year in spring I started some volunteer work in the hospital and it is okay, but I usually have to overcome myself into actually going there, and I am never enjoying it as thoroughly as I think I should.

I have lot's of crazy ideas sometimes, and I am not always aware of how crazy they must seem to "normal" people. For example sometimes when I watch a movie I feel like it's giving me a metaphorical message about things in my life, usually about a romance I had with a girl once. It's all pretty whack. But it was worse at first and now I am usually understanding that it was a delusion and that I need to doubt it. But this always means work, I can't go with the flow anymore and that's rather annoying and tiring.

I don't have much patience with other people. For example, when I am sitting at my desk and doing something I enjoy, and then my mother calls me to do something for her, I always have this angry reaction in me that I want to be left alone. I always overcome this reaction and do what is asked, but I am not feeling good about it, I feel noisy and argumentative and selfish.

I am 32 years old now and though I was a pretty attractive man once, I am not that anymore. I became pretty obese from all the meds, I have bad teeth, I don't find myself sexy anymore. Sometimes this is a painful discovery for me, at other times I don't care. I have decided to lead a celibate life for now and I think that's a good decision, at least until I know I am really in love with someone again.

I feel very immature. In a way I am still a teenager, the things I do, the values I have, the dreams I have. I don't enjoy things like work and career, garden, house, TV. I can't imagine to have my own family. In the same I HAVE aged and become more refined, ie I am not as shallow anymore as I once was and I have dug myself into the truth and I am not so superficial anymore.

What I miss is having more of an adventurous life. Some years ago I went hitchhiking from Germany to Vienna through the Czech Republic, it was a real good experience and I felt myself so alive then. Travelling is when that happens to me. I always meet such interesting people then and it feels to me as if a human is meant to travel around if he wants to have an interesting life. I am not antisocial but I sometimes feel a great connection to people of the past who lived on the road. Gypsies, for example, though I hate their superstition and love for magic.

I became a christian since 2008 and I believe it was a good decision, God made me see many things more clearly and rescued me from soul death - from ruining myself spiritually. But it's not always so easy to be a christian, for example when it makes you suffer in this or that way you can only accept it humbly, many times you can't change the fact that you must go through suffering. You always need to have patience with things and be stronger than others so they can lean on you, and often you don't have someone to lean on when you need it yourself. There are also christian doctrines which are really very uncomfortable, such as the one about Damnation to Hell for some and stuff like that. There are some fringe branches of christianity who believe that all will be saved, after studying some of the bible myself I am still not sure of what the truth is. I try to rely on the simple core truth of christianity that God is love, and on the simple precept that I must hope rather than despair. I have noticed some pretty deep changes in me since I became a christian, but well, sometimes I still want to return to atheism, or rather, when I am miserable like after a schizo episode, I am often remembering a time from my old life when I was happy, and I want to return there, and then atheism seems appealing because frankly I used to have a good life when I was an atheist. It's hard for me to distinguish and discern anything objectively and truthfully, I feel like my mind lets me down so I am avoiding something which could potentially give me great happiness but I don't find myself able to get to that with the schizo things in my mind.

I've always wanted to find friends, but beyond some people in my online life I haven't even found any acquaintances. I am stuck living in a village and I don't have a car and so I only get out very rarely. I don't have much interest in homemaking or gardening, so I spend most of my time with the computer, but my mom can't stand it. She expects me to get interested in house stuff, but really that's not my cup of tea.

Ok, I am not sure if this gives a good summary of my struggle with the schizo, but here it is. I am interested in all advice you can give.