Hi Julie,

I think it is a good idea for you
to blog your way through this
experience. Looking back will help
in the healing process and I find
blogging helps one be "active" rather
than "re"active to a situation. I've
been toying with the idea lately
myself especially since my head
seems to be filling with too many
thoughts to sort out. Getting some
out helps make room for the hordes
that follow...ggg.

Here is a good place to start if
you have not blogged on Curezone
before~~

//www.curezone.org/blogs/createblog.asp


I so agree with you about the BP
feel-good SPAM ads. It makes me want
to puke really since their campaign
is only fiscally motivated and has
so little to do with the seafood of
the matter~~crabcakes anyone??~~



My own family is still tight-lipped
about what is going on. Used to be when
my brother called I could guarantee that
when I asked him how he was, he would
say, "Jussss Fine", in a lyrical sweet
loving voice. Today, again, I had to call
him, and I hesitated in asking how he was,
but I did, and he said in a low somber
tone, "I'm doing okay". I wanted to ask
him to elaborate but like the reaction
you are getting from friends and neighbors,
its unspoken, but there is a resignation
or telepathic understanding, or plea, NOT
to talk about what is happening in the Gulf.
I know many are influenced by BPs nondisclosure
agreements and threats of loss of income or
compensation, but my brother is not in any
of those categories. He is simply in mourning,
I believe.

Meanwhile, here, I am buying MORE plants
and the rains from tropical storm Hermaine
are dumping on us and I cannot help but
wonder what they are bringing with them.
I never have headaches to brag about or
really pay attention to. In the last few
weeks though, since its been raining here,
I have had some serious enough to take
some aspirin. My bottles of aspirin will
generally expire before I take any and I
keep it in the house for when guests need
some. I am not specifically in denial but
since I have not had previous sinus issues
here, I cannot help but wonder whether it
is the VOCs from the Gulf.

My neighbor made me a plate of food. He is
a tremendously good cook and he had caught
some bass and made fresh hushpuppies with
cayenne from his garden and (gulp) had
bought some expensive shrimp and had cooked
a plate special for me. He brought it over
and we sat at the kitchen table and he
watched me eat. (aaagh) I asked him where
the shrimp was from and he said from the
Gulf. I said a prayer that I was not going
to be poisoned by the two large shrimp
he was waiting for me to taste. I know
it hurt his feelings a bit but I did tell
him I would prefer not to eat any shrimp
anymore until more testing could assure
me it was safe. Still, I could not muster
up the courage to tell him I would not
eat the ones he had brought. He was
rhapsodizing how good they were. They
were good and for him it was almost a
matter that I trust him NOT to poison me.

I know it has to be so difficult for
people living ON the Gulf since when you
are there, most of the eating IS seafood.
When I was over on the Gulf, that was all
we ate mostly. So, for me, knowing what I
know, its hard and may get harder still but
now I realize too I will have to face my own
choice to say no to eating the seafood
now and deal with the feelings and the
reinforcement of my own concerns that
there is more to the Gulf Oil disaster
than most of us know. Already too, I
feel the emotional pain of knowing what
I feel I know about the dangers of
swimming in the Gulf or eating food
from the Gulf and not telling. Will
I suffer from not sharing?? Will I
suffer from sharing?? What to do?? It
is a dilemma and I know you know what
I am talking about. While on one hand,
you can lead someone to the Gulf (me)
and not make me swim, I am confronted
with the myriad of feelings that come
with accepting that I can lead someone
to the Gulf, tell them it is not safe
to swim, and still, not keep them out
of the water.

I am working more at keeping stress
levels down. I am reading fiction,
the latest, an Anne Rice book that
I had on my shelf collecting dust
waiting for a time when I needed a
good distraction. I am also meditating
more and exercising more, as if some
self-styled discipline will keep my
own grieving neat and orderly. So
far, its helping...

I hope even if you blog your journey
through this mess, you will also post
here in the forum.

blessings and prayers,
Zoe

-_-