Strange Phase 
#2394
14 y
3,453
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I have been married for two years. My husband is a textbook case in narcissism. It has been the worst two years of my life. I now have a 10 month old baby, which he has all but ignored. I have been neglected, beaten both physically and mentally, He completely controls all money. I have never been allowed to buy my son anything. Most of what he has comes from my parents. To top it off my husband is a very wealthy man with lots of assets he refuses to tap into. I have not left because I am afraid my husband will have joint custody. (he looks great to outsiders). I do not trust him with the baby.
Recently i offered to wave all support in exchange for his parental rights. Poof ! Overnight he was a different person. He is elated and cannot do enough for me and the baby. He is pleading with me to stay. Insist I have neck massage every night, worried about my health, telling the baby how much he loves him, (never said that) pleading with me to stay. He text me all day long telling me how much he appreciates all that I do. Blah blah. . . His entire countenance has changed. It's stifling, I can't even go to the bathroom without him hugging me.
He wants me to give him a month to prove himself. If I still want to go he says will then sign away all rights to the baby in exchange for support.
I know i should be grateful, but it's so out of character I just feel afraid.
Has anyone ever seen this?
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- Re: Strange Phase Iolite
14 y
3,236
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,639,573Advertisement
Hulda Clark cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
You need to let friends and family know what is going on, document abuse. This honeymoon phase will pass, he is an abuser. Call a women's shelter, get advice. Can you go stay with your folks? The sooner you leave, the sooner you can regain your self-confidence back. - Re: Strange Phase BlueRose
14 y
3,262
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,639,573Sigh! You posted about your husband recently and you got good advice on how to leave him! Here's a shout out to you---TAKE THE ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU IN YOUR LAST POST! You told us he beats you and yet you're still with him? Why? Did you call the Domestic Abuse Hotline? Did you read SoulfulSurvivor's excellent post?
Please---for your sake and the sake of your child---make that call and GET OUT OF THERE!
- Re: Strange Phase #2394
14 y
3,165
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This is a reply to # 1,639,751I know. The reason I am still here is because he is in this wooing phase and I feel the only way I can leave is with all rights to my son. He says, if I still want to leave after one month he will sign. This is just the most over the top phase I have ever seen. And it is all so confusing. I am having a contract drawn up for him to sign stating he will wave all rights in the event of a divorce. I don't know how he will react when the time comes.- Re: Strange Phase Hidden Username
14 y
3,087
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This is a reply to # 1,639,807You need more than a contract drawn up by divorce lawyers. No guarantee he'll keep his word about signing it.
You need some kind of proof of the abuse. Even if you go talk to a doctor or a therapist/psych so it's documented somewhere and someone professional is on your side.
Rich guys can get out of contracts somehow.. make sure you know what you're doing there.
and what if he refuses to sign it and threatens to take the baby instead? He has money.. you don't..
Any documented bruises/whatever from him hitting you by your regular dr? Any ER visits?
Makes sense to stay with him and play along until you can get out of there but you need a better backup plan. It doesn't matter how he reacts if the plan is good.
- Not strange at all... #68716
14 y
3,050
This is a reply to # 1,639,922Advertisement
Hulda Clark cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
You can't play that "what if" game when lives are at stake.
Blue Rose was spot-on. CALL THE HOTLINE and get going! This phase, as you call it, is a typical and predictable technique that all abusers use to keep their source targets off-balance. "He MUST care about me/us! Look at the sudden change!" Honey, the change isn't genuine and it's 100% temporary. The instant you agree to remain, the switch goes off and the monster returns.
If it were me (AND, IT HAS BEEN), I'd do the following things:
- call the hotline and ask for local resources - this includes restraining orders, counseling/therapy, legal assistance, temporary safe housing, and knowledge on all local/State laws with regard to separation, custody/visitation/divorce issues
- inform MY family and MY friends (not mutual friends) about everything that's going on and take ownership of my poor choice in a partner and ASK FOR HELP
- begin forming a SECRET exit plan after speaking with a counselor/therapist AND a top-notch divorce attorney
- stick to my plan to exit, get the hell out, and continue counseling/therapy until I've developed some self-confidence and self-esteem
This is not going to "get better," at any point. Never, ever, not tomorrow, not in a month, not with marriage counseling, and not with Jesus - it will never get better! It is only going to get worse. And, someone with money can easily hire someone to "take care" of you and/or your precious baby. Get the hell out and stop making excuses. If you choose to remain for any reason/excuse you are playing Russian Roulette with your life, and the life of your baby.
At this point, you recognize that he is an abuser and that you are living in an abusive environment. With this understanding, it is now YOUR responsibility for accepting and tolerating the abuse if you choose to remain, even though he is the one inflicting the abuse. It would be a different story if you were not aware that you were being abused, but that's not the case, now. So take control of YOUR safety and the safety of your precious baby back and do whatever it takes to get out.
Best wishes to you.
- To help you along... #68716
14 y
3,051
This is a reply to # 1,639,976
You have a plethora of resources available. Use them.
Tips on a safe exit are:
DO NOT threaten to leave, EVER - don't threaten to do anything as a threat to an abuser is a direct challenge of their control
DO NOT attempt to negotiate - there is no such thing as negotiating with an abuser. Attorneys are paid to speak on your behalf
DO NOT involve your family members in details of your exit or divorce proceedings - general and vague comments are okay, but they don't need to know because they might be coerced into talking to the soon-to-be-ex-abuser
DO NOT tell "mutual" friends about your experiences or any plans to leave - most abusers present delightful outward personnae, and "friends" that know you both are HIS friends
DO NOT attempt to exit without help from a local organization
WHEN YOU ARE READY TO LEAVE, do not pack ahead of time and take ONLY those things that are 100% necessary - personal documents, birth certificates, SS cards
CLOSE OUT all accounts the day-of the exit
TAKE THE COMPUTER that you use - if he has money, as you suggest, he can hire a forensic technologist to determine all of your use of the computer, even if you have deleted files
PACK AND LEAVE only when he has left and you know that he will not return for a long while
DO NOT answer any phone calls, text messages, emails, etc........NO CONTACT, under any circumstances
DO NOT leave any indication of where you are going - if you need to have mail forwarded, get a Post Office Box in another town
Most important of all, call one of the hotlines that have been provided for you. Get a solid understanding of what you need to do to save yourself and your child.
Again, best wishes to you.
- I can't stress this enough! BlueRose
14 y
3,116
This is a reply to # 1,639,981SoulfulSurvivor said this in her recent post---and believe me, it bears repeating:
DO NOT involve your family members in details of your exit or divorce proceedings - general and vague comments are okay, but they don't need to know because they might be coerced into talking to the soon-to-be-ex-abuser
DO NOT tell "mutual" friends about your experiences or any plans to leave - most abusers present delightful outward personnae, and "friends" that know you both are HIS friends
My mother was a narcissist plus she was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. She, too, presented a "delightful outward personnae". As a result, when, as a child, I would try to tell others just what it was like living with her, no one believed me. On top of that, my mother would tell people that I was lazy and never helped her around the house which was not true at all.
The point I'm making is that should you start telling friends and family about the details of your divorce proceedings, they may not believe you. Also, they could well end up being manipulated by your husband into believing that you are the bad guy in all of this. You don't need that happening.
I can't stress this enough GET OUT OF THERE! You simply can't live with an abusive man who has put you in this untenable situation. You said you even have to hide baby food from him so your child can eat! Please remember this---YOUR CHILD'S WELFARE COMES FIRST!
I hope you have now taken SoulfulSurvivor's excellent advice and started working on getting out of there!Advertisement
Hulda Clark cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
- Re: I can't stress this enough! #68716
14 y
3,069
Energy Awareness Course
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This is a reply to # 1,640,224Hide baby food? How did I miss that????
Original Poster, if this Thing causes you to hide baby food, what on earth makes you think that there's a glimmer of humanity beneath that smooth veneer??? Peel back that layer of "nice guy," and you can easily see the rot and putridity of his soul. Get out, for the sake of your precious child who does NOT have a voice of his own. You are your child's only advocate.
Best wishes to you.
Off topic - Blue Rose, you've managed to Survive and evolve into a wonderful advocate for others - Bless you, tenfold!
- Thank you, SoulfulSurvivor! BlueRose
14 y
3,077
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
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This is a reply to # 1,640,374Thank you, SoulfulSurvivor. You are a positive asset here on CZ. Please be sure and stick around. You have a wealth of info to offer up to those who need help in escaping an abusive situation.
BTW, The OP mentioned hiding the baby food in her previous thread. That one really stuck with me as I was horrified to hear that she was forced to do this!- Re: Thank you, SoulfulSurvivor! #68716
14 y
3,005
This is a reply to # 1,640,513
Thank you, Blue Rose - if something that you, I , or anyone else says that stops just one cycle of violence, then it's a positive thing.
I sure hope the OP recognizes the danger she's in and gets her baby and herself to safety. I clearly remember the taste of the fear, doubt, helplessness, and I will never go down that road, again, for love or money!
- Re: Thank you, SoulfulSurvivor! #68716
14 y
3,005
- Thank you, SoulfulSurvivor! BlueRose
14 y
3,077
- Re: I can't stress this enough! #68716
14 y
3,069
- I can't stress this enough! BlueRose
14 y
3,116
- Re: Not strange at all... Hidden Username
14 y
3,070
This is a reply to # 1,639,976Advertisement
Hulda Clark cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
"You can't play that "what if" game when lives are at stake."
How were my "What ifs" contradicting what you said about lives at stake?
It sounded like she's relying on him to keep his promise in signing the "contract". What if he doesn't? Then what? There was nothing wrong with this question. So if he doesn't, she gets scared and sticks around some more and gets beat up for showing it to him?
Like I said, she needs a back up plan because the contract isn't going to get signed.
OP said:
"I am having a contract drawn up for him to sign stating he will wave all rights in the event of a divorce. I don't know how he will react when the time comes."
He'll probably react like a typical narcistic. He'll be mad and offended by this and probably hit her. So hopefully when it is shown, it's in a court or somewhere with witnesses and you're NOT living together when it's shown to him so he doesn't go home and beat you up for it.
So the contract doesn't get signed. Then once the divorce process starts, they are fighting over custody..which is WHAT she doesn't want and can be prevented with a better plan such as going to therapy so there's a professional on her side. I'm no expert but I think we can agree on this at least since we both mentioned it.
- "What if..." #68716
14 y
3,075
This is a reply to # 1,640,252
When we start asking, "What if they don't let us go," or, "What if they won't sign the contract," or, "What if nobody believes me," etc., we are, in effect, setting up personal boundaries and limits on our options.
That this man will probably not sign any document goes without saying, though it's very important to put this fact into words.
I wasn't slamming your suggestions, but when exiting an abusive relationship, "What if" is a very convenient and dangerous tool of procrastination. I've been there, personally, as has every Survivor of domestic violence and/or abuse. The victim has learned that they must constantly second-guess their choices because their abuser has brought them down so low that they can't even trust their own judgment. Why should they? The victim believed that they had found Prince or Princess Charming, and the truth was that they had chosen a monster. Spend some time volunteering at a women's shelter or for an organization that assists victims (male AND female) of domestic violence and/or abuse, and you will witness how this simple phrase can set up serious barriers for the victim.
"What if he/she _______" gives the victim the following self-response: "Well, since I know they aren't going to let me leave, what's the point in even trying?" Does this clear up the confusion about my comment? Hopefully, the OP will get this picture straight in her mind and take whatever actions she must to save herself and her baby.
- Re: "What if..." Hidden Username
14 y
2,891
This is a reply to # 1,640,373Hi SoulfulSurvivor,
Makes more sense when you put it that way. Thanks for the clarification. :)
- Re: "What if..." Hidden Username
14 y
2,891
- "What if..." #68716
14 y
3,075
- To help you along... #68716
14 y
3,051
- Not strange at all... #68716
14 y
3,050
- Re: Strange Phase Hidden Username
14 y
3,087
- Re: Strange Phase #2394
14 y
3,165
- Re: Strange Phase Hidden Username
14 y
2,960
This is a reply to # 1,639,573I've gotten these up and down mixed phases from my father and I don't even have face to face contact with him. It's via phone/letters/emails.
- One conversation will be "you're probably a liar like your mother *bitches* *rants* *blablabla* *rants* *ramblings*.
- I'll reply, setting him straight and showing that now I'm mad or annoyed. Or, I'll just completeley ignore everything he's said and change the subject. Somehow this leads to him sending me money, random gifts, invites me over, offers to do this, that, spoil me, go shopping, etc.
- He's rich, tight with that stuff..Once said he'd give me money and control the money and I'd just have to show him reciepts to make sure I don't send money to my mother and so he can show them to his accountant. LOL control freak. Strings attached with everything. THEN the next convo he's offering money and to "help". The kinda help you dont need.
- When he's really testing me..after not hearing from me in a few days too long.. he'll use the word "love" and "dad" (I always call him by his first name and he signs his letters with his name) Trying to hit nerves with "I love you, I always loved you"... shut up, thanks bye.
So yeah = When they're scared of you leaving or in my case never talking to him again and dropping him out of my life - He gets nervous and sends gifts or uses the word love... It's a stupid game. It's like he really believes random presents and using the word "love" REMINDS me of how rich and nice he is and why I should want him around.
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Hulda Clark cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
- Re: Strange Phase #68716
14 y
3,043
This is a reply to # 1,639,919
The only way to avoid these types of "reminders" from any abuser is NO CONTACT. Changing phone numbers, no replies, no responses, nothing. Going NC is difficult under any circumstances, but it's the only way to excise the abuser from our lives, forever.
- Re: Strange Phase Hidden Username
14 y
2,946
This is a reply to # 1,639,982I don't need it to end.
All I'm saying is I understand it and see through it. I'm not being sucked in. It's different when it's a parent rather than living with a narcissistic husband or boyfriend beating the crap out of you.
Maybe I inherited the narcistic gene too which is why I can play along. Maybe he's just like a drug and I need my weekly fix of his crap for laughs. I don't know but since I'm not being hit and his words don't make me cry, there's really no harm.
- Re: Strange Phase #68716
14 y
3,011
This is a reply to # 1,640,250
I disagree that "there's really no harm" in dancing with a narcissist/sociopath. The damage may not be physical or manifested in tears, but a hardness of heart develops that's based upon self-esteem issues, self-confidence issues, and a host of other unseen problems. We can't see the damage because it's internal. My belief is just based upon what I've seen and experienced on a personal level, as well as what I've seen and experienced with other victims and Survivors.
But, hey.......it's a personal choice to play the game. Best wishes to you!
- Re: Strange Phase #2394
14 y
3,112
This is a reply to # 1,640,378Advertisement
Hulda Clark cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
Thanks to everyone for all of your comments and advice. Believe me I have taken it to heart and I am constantly planning my escape.
He is still currently in this elated "super spouse" stage that I have never seen before. It's actually very creepy. He insist on giving me a neck massage every night which I hate. If I refuse he does this whole "you don't want me to touch you drama". I am trying to use this stage to my advantage in getting his signature on the agreement. My folks have agreed to let us stay with them.
The one thing I have in my favor is that although he is wealthy, he is also extremely cheap. That is why the baby food is an issue. So, when I mentioned giving up rights in exchange for child support. He said, that was really a sweet deal and anyone would be a fool not to take it. He also said, he really did not want to give up his rights, but because it meant so much to me, he would do it. What a great guy... Unbelievable.
Thanks again, I will keep you posted.- Re: Strange Phase Iolite
14 y
3,027
This is a reply to # 1,640,740Before you leave, (don't let him know), clean out the bank accounts (saving and checking), open up credit card account, in your name so you can start building credit history. You'll need a GOOD lawyer and someone to go with you and help you with the whole process. Be aware, he'll probably try to start hiding money. If you can get copies of tax returns, quicken statements... START NOW, Get all of the papers together BEFORE you leave while you have access to the computer.
Of course, if you don't have access to bank accounts and can't get into quicken, because you don't know the password, all of this is moot and the need for a REALLY GOOD divorce lawyer will become even more important. Follow up with the women's shelter, they will have advocates that will be able to support you and go with you to attorney's appointments, and give you advice as to what you should be asking for.
I have a friend who is in the process of divorcing a narcissist -- he walked out on her. She DID NOT take our advice about cleaning out bank accounts and was totally strapped when HE DID JUST THAT. Suddenly she was without funds. Now he plays game with the spousal support -- like giving her money and saying 'Oh by the way, you have to pay your half of the kids swim lessons, music lessons, etc... out of this' and by the time she does that, she doesn't even have enough money for doctors appointments, lawyer or even groceries. She has major health issues. She was in denial for so long that it has really screwed her. Please don't let this happen to you.
iolite- Re: Strange Phase #68716
14 y
2,971
This is a reply to # 1,640,767
Excellent suggestions, iolite!!!! As long as her name is on the account, it is not illegal for her to do this. Awesome!
- Re: Strange Phase #68716
14 y
2,971
- Re: Strange Phase #68716
14 y
2,924
This is a reply to # 1,640,740
Oh, my dear.........please, take NOTHING that he says, agrees with, or promises as truth. He is saying precisely what he thinks that you want to hear.
Super Spouse. Very dangerous. Neckrubs - possibly seeing how his hands might fit around your neck? Be cautious. Be vigilant, and take nothing that he says at face value.
God bless you and you're in my positive energies.
- Re: Strange Phase Hidden Username
14 y
2,995
This is a reply to # 1,640,740Advertisement
Hulda Clark cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
lol..Sounds like my father. He's rich and it's funny what he can be cheap about. He won't pay $6 for a drink at Starbucks..coffee at 7/11 is cheaper. But while he's at 7/11 he will spend hundreds on a few scratch tickets to give him something to do. Um.. Ok.
So he likes to brag. He is proud that he didn't marry my mother because she would have bled his bank account dry. He's proud that he didn't pay child support and he "won" because she had a kid she paid out of pocket for and not him.
"but because it meant so much to me, he would do it. What a great guy... Unbelievable."
LOL!
Hey, you can be great too. Remind him about all the money he's going to save. He'll never have to buy school clothes, school lunch food, video games, computers and toys when she's older. Wow.. what can he do with all that money he's going to have? He's coming out of this a rich guy!
If you can.. use that distorted way of thinking to your advantage. Keep pointing out that he "wins" by giving up his rights and going away so he doesn't have to pay child support. If you have any particular friend who knows the situation and can help play head games, let them pretend to talk bad about you behind your back and encourage him to sign away his rights so he never has to give a dime. Lucky him.
Stupid narcistics.
- Re: Strange Phase Iolite
14 y
3,027
- Re: Strange Phase #2394
14 y
3,112
- Re: Strange Phase #68716
14 y
3,011
- Re: Strange Phase Hidden Username
14 y
2,946
- Re: Strange Phase #68716
14 y
3,043
- Re: Strange Phase Iolite
14 y
3,236
