I am currently in a relationship that I have been in for just over 5 years. I am already a very codependent type of person and have been my whole life. I grew up in an abusive household as a child. I watched my mom get beat up almost every day for about 15 years. It was a very difficult time for me because I always wanted to rescue my mom and save her from my dad. I often tried, but my little body couldn't do a whole lot to protect her and each time I failed miserably to save my mom from what was happening to her. My dad was the abuser and I have a very strong relationship with my father now. For many years, I did not want to tell people what my dad did and I didn't want to talk about it to often because I didn't want people to think my dad was a bad guy, because I always knew he wasn't, he was just re-living the abuse that had happened to him as a child. My dad was also an alcoholic up until I was about 17, at that point he switched from alcohol to drugs and is now a drug addict. We are extremely close and I love him very much. I also tried so many times to rescue my dad from the needle dope he was on. I picked him up from places in the hood, i took him to rehab, i drove with him to our home town where his mom and my grandma lives so he could detox himself, I tried so hard to get him out of that life, which I also failed at and eventually my dad ended up catching HIV and HepC. I started dating when I was 13, thats when I got into my 1st serious relationship. Ever since I started dating, I always picked either, alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals or all 3. I never really felt like I fit in with other kids that came from a more healthy lifestyle, I always wanted to associate myself with the kids in the hood because either they could relate to things that I have gone through, or they have gone through worse themselves and I don't have to worry about being embarrassed from my upbringing. Hanging out with these type of people has always gotten me into trouble, in my relationships and in my life.

I am 27 years old now and have been with the same alcoholic/criminal since 2005. Me and him, we don't really like each other. Actually we have both been trying to leave each other for years. He leaves me for about 3 months at a time to go on drinking binges at which time I begin to start getting healthy again, mentally and then he always comes and pushes his way back into my life, knowing how very vulnerable I am with this anxiety disorder I have. I am always so scared to be alone. I feel like I need him by my side 24/7 and if he is not I panic. I cry, I can't really do a whole lot besides get on the phone with the distress center and tell them my story. At night when I am about to sleep is the worst, I get so scared. It's a feeling I get in my body. My blood rushes from my head to my toes and my brain starts going out of control. Sometimes I try to breath and it helps, or I pray, or I call the distress centre for a distraction, and although none of those things makes me feel 100% better, they do help get me through the night and they are all healthy ways to dealing with my feelings.

Lately things have been a little worse. I am currently living in eastern canada, i moved here 6 years ago, just before I started dating my boyfriend. I am from western canada though and that is where all of my family and friends are. I feel like I am slowly losing my family and friends back home one by one, either through fights or them getting fed up with this relationship that i am in. Back in january my mom told me she didnt want to associate with me anymore because of this unhealthy lifestyle i've chosen to live. my sister rarely talks to me. the only ones I really have left in this world, is my dad who emails me and calls me to make sure im always ok, and my best friend who is back home also but she just had a baby and now calls me maybe once every 2 months. i am beginning to feel even more isolated and alone here.

In the past I was an escort. not surprisingly considering the type of people Ive always chosen to hang out with. and recently got back into the business. i notified my boyfriend before I started again and told him I was going back to the business. He said ok and he drives me to my calls and there is a very small part of me inside that is saying.....why are you with somebody that is ok with this? but i never speak on it because I don't want him to make me stop doing it. I always try to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with what i do, that it's just business and a profession like any other. but my body always wins the fight and i know there is nothing ok about what im doing. everybody has their own opinions and sometimes i think i believe i have my own opinion also that its ok what im doing, but my body disagrees very much. its ok before when im not doing it and its ok after when im spending the money, but during. during is the worst. when im actually doing it, and in the moment with that gross pig, my body feels horrible. my brain feels so ugly. its just a disgusting feeling inside that i can't describe. ill be honest, it hurts. after a while you get numb to it, and i know that sounds cliche but its true, you do get numb to the lifestyle...but when you just start up again it hits you all over again. i quit for a few years and now that im in it again, i feel disappointed in myself. im not a drug addict though or an alcoholic. I have been sober now for 5 years and 1 month. I don't do it for drugs or to party. I just do it because it's addicting. so after reading this im thinking you might be like, wow...this girl really is fu**ed up. cuz honestly, after writing all of this, which is only a very small small portion of things i have gone through and am going through....im a bit embarassed to say the least and very disapointed with my life. i honestly don't know why im alive? im losing my friends, im losing my family. i dont have a whole lot left. nobody really talks to me anymore, which is why im talking to myself on a forum. theres so many options out of this but im scared to take the leap. i always have been, which is why i've continued with this cycle for so many years. my mom stayed in it for 18 years. i dont wanna do that. 5 years is already to much for my brain.

if you actually took the time to read everything that i just wrote, which probably took a while, then thank you! it is very therapeutic for me to write and i appreciate any words of advice. thanks