I don't know why I am choosing to post this thread...but I am hoping for help and insight in any way. Today I find myself in total despair. I have been married 20 years and have 3 boys ages 16, 13 and 10. My husband has always been a challenge as he comes from an alcoholic father, and siblings who have other addictions and are non functional. I had a stable loving background and parents who were together til my father passed away.
5 years ago things turned terribly wrong. At my suggestion we stepped away from a religious way of life and began doing the things the religion forbade (drinking etc) including a swingers lifestyle. During this time my husband was so attentive to me, worshipped me, seemed so in love with me etc. Then I began to be unable to meet his expectations because they grew in frequency and severity. When I didn't meet expectations I was met with the cold shoulder, with holding of affection and acceptance. Finally the toll was too great and I told him I opted out and wanted to go back to the conservative lifestyle we had always followed. That was met with more emotional withdrawl and a lack of not only affection but almost a denial of my utter existence. He refused to go out with me, to dance with me at a family wedding and would not communicate or open up to me in anyway. A year later (2 years ago this week!)I looked into his computer history and found that he had been visiting Craigslist for other women (which he denies acting on) web sites for escort services (same denial) and strip clubs when out of town and a yahoo email and messenger account I didn't know existed. I told him to get out. He begged and pleaded and said it would be different. I gave him the benefit of the doubt again and he didn't even have to spend the night in a separate bed.
I was never able to see any of his activity again, and believe me I was checking. But in only 2 short weeks he was emotionally withdrawn again and I had to constantly fight of the basic things a marriage should have. I had to suggest going out, I had to plan anniversaries etc. I began to envy other couples at restaurants and wonder what was wrong with me that I didn't deserve that kind of affection and love. I wondered what I needed to do right to earn it. He remained withdrawn. I began to asses other men and wonder if there was someone else who could come in and take over where he had left off. I met someone who was very kind, who I could talk to. A male friend. I told him I was not interested in an affair. We continued as friends. But the more we shared the closer we became until we had feelings for each other and began to be more intimate. That was a year ago. We actually planned that I would leave this man I was married to and be together. I just never could do it. Didn't think it was the "right thing" to do for my family. Last June my husband found an email from him, a lovely poem. Everything blew up. I admitted to having feelings for the other man but denied the steamy, torrid sexual affair he accused me of. He told me to leave the house and kids and go be with my "boyfriend" and that he was filing for divorce the next day. I took his word at face value (I always do) and to me that was a threat. I filed for divorce to protect myself, but I told him I didn't want the divorce and that I chose him. I begged for counseling (again) in hopes that the true nature of our dysfunction would be shown to him and we could make changes together. He never agreed. For two months he stayed in the house, always ready to move out until I begged and pleaded. He would leave for hours and sometimes stay out all night and then walk right back in. One time when he did this I locked him out, he came home at 4am and pounded on all windows and doors until I let him in. He claimed he had a right to do this to me after what I did.
Finally on August 2nd he moved out, despite my begging him to stay and we told our children we were separating. He told them we would get counseling and help to work on us. They have not witnessed any of the fighting etc.
When he left I felt a sense of relief. To my dismay he seemed to not look back, never called a counselor, cut me off of all ability to gain access to anything about him...joint accounts, phone records, etc. And in mediation on September 1st he asked for the no dating clause to be removed. Signaling to me (although never communicated directly to me) the end of our marriage. I soon heard about his new girlfriend and he was scarce around the house. But when he did come by he walked right in and made himself at home. Sometimes I would invite him to stay for dinner after he had dropped off one of our kids from football practice. To which he would announce that he had plans to go out for dinner (clearly a date). I finally got my head around it being over and slowly let them man I had met back into my life (my kids come first!)
Now suddenly two weeks ago my husband is showing up more, seems sullen and sad. When he doesn't have plans he attempts to join his family. He simply shows up unannounced or texts me that he is coming over for one thing or the other, almost daily. He sent me text weeks ago(remember he can't communicate face to face!) and told me I was "forgiven" and told me he was ready to go to counseling if I agreed. I can't tell you how overwhelmed I was with obligation, guilt and empathy. I was so afraid to believe this was real, to hope again. It made my physically ill and I was unable to respond for hours and even then it took my days to tell him I was ready to talk. In the days I spent getting my head around this new twist one of my friends informed me that he had sought out a mutual friend on a singles website the DAY AFTER he text me his interest in counseling. I felt like such a fool. I called him on it and he said he had a right to see what else was out there but that he was sincere in his desire. I asked about his "girlfriend" that all our friends had told me about and he said he still as her and she wants a long term committed relationship with him but he misses his family and house. He told me he couldn't say he loved me. I didn't give a commitment etiher way...when he sensed I was mad about the website, he kinda said "nevermind, I will just move on" and dismissed the discussion.
As this last week has unraveled I find myself incapacitated by him. He continues to show up here, walks in, invites himself to things, including a movie yesterday. When we came out of the movie he was crying and our kids saw it. It upset them terribly. My oldest begged me to tell him what is going on. Of course I can't tell all. But he told me that he knew dad was lonely and depressed and why can't he come back. He then went and asked his father the same thing, My husband told him that he loved me (but he told me he didn't!) and that he was lonely and missed his family and that he had asked me to go to counseling but that I wasn't sure. This resulted in my kids begging me and asking why I wouldn't consider it. I can't tell them why! That their dad asked someone else out the very next day!! So I went to talk to my husband. The conversation went as always. He can't see what he does to me. All I do his "kick him in the balls" He said again he was sincere and he tried to reach out to me and I was combative and excused me again and told me he would tell out kids that he changed his mind about counseling. He has me resisting the urge to give him the benefit of the doubt (AGAIN!) and agree or rather, ask him, to go for help to save our family.
I feel totally stuck. I want to do what is right for my family. I can't get an inch with him. I read these web-sites and read about myself which is scary! The man who loves me unconditionally and will take care of me is waiting for me to get out of this mess and yet I can't seem to shake the feeling of responsibility, obligation and the desire to do "what's right"....
I know this is long.,.... but PLEASE HELP!