I broke my own heart recently after spending close to 2 years chasing something I thought I wanted, getting it, and then tearfully giving it up because on the surface I bit off more than I could chew, and realized committing would take too much time and energy out of me that I needed to be putting elsewhere - spiritual development, major career change, etc. I lost a lot financially and emotionally in the process, which could have been avoided had I been "awake" to what I was doing and changed course earlier.

Beneath the surface, in working with a healer and just my own gut feeling, I realized why I felt like someone else was driving the car from start to finish on that whole painful escapade - Cosmic Intervention - I needed to get hit over the head (and hit in the heart to take it seriously) about my life path and priorities, and it almost feels like the whole thing was set up in advance. I consciously made a series of choices, and yet I felt like I couldn't stop myself, even though I knew it was all a bad idea, bad timing, and I was headed for trouble. My husband thinks it was me flailing through my usual unhealthy patterns, and maybe it was... but it brought me to the same place of awareness, so maybe there's a rhyme and reason, regardless of the methods the Universe used with me, my guides, my higher self, my soul's pre-planning before this life, what was planned for me, my karma, whatever it was and is.

It would be easy to get complacent, go back to my "regular life," not transforming out of that, but I don't want to waste this experience. I was trying to fill an emptiness and had lots of excuses why it was a good and noble pursuit, but it would have also added new distractions and responsibilities that would just help me avoid doing my real spiritual work, having a more varied and creative life, not moving forward.

I am unsure where to start, now, as I know I need to disassemble my belief system. We have the Holosync audio program to assist meditation, and I'm at least committing an hour a day to that. I rejected my the faith I was raised with long ago and never really replaced it with anything aside from a general feeling that "many roads lead to the great path," we're all connected, love is probably the driving force in the universe, etc., but I have not had anything approaching a profound connection with that in a very long time. Once maybe 8 years ago during a 4-hands bodywork session I think I had an out of body experience and connected with "source," felt like I was given a split second glimpse of universal truth, but I went back to my normal life and normal patterns. "Normal" has become unbearable, I guess I need to start removing the filters and really seeing.