"If we have not yet forgiven that person and realize the part we played in that relationship then we can NOT stop the same thing from happening again."

I don't know if I would say that, but wouldn't you much rather be in control of the situation instead of running around looking over your shoulder expecting to get suc*** punched?

Everything we experience emotionally should add to us, not subtract. How can this be a reality if you have no idea what to do with the information? Good experiences and bad can go far in helping you to build on who you are. The problem is, most of the time we never even bother to look for any good we can build from a bad experience.

I heard this once, and it stuck:

"What grieves us is what we were put on this earth to heal."

I think that is very true. Experiences WILL help you develop a heart for others and certain causes. If you can move from the point of victim/wounded to helper/healer.

And as far as forgiveness goes, deciding to forgive someone, purposing to do it, is an exercise of the mind and will. The heart will follow, but you need to learn how to discipline yourself against the attacks on your mind, that is the first part of yourself you will need to control. And it is much simpler than you might imagine, although very hard if you are still dealing with the person and they continue to barrage you with additional painful circumstances. But let's just say they are out of your life. You decide *purpose* to forgive them. The thoughts come, the familiar smelly loop, of how you were hurt, how could they do that, etc. Right then and there you SLAM down on it. You tell yourself, "no, I have purposed to forgive this person. I am not going to nurse this grievance or revisit it."

And you refuse to dwell on it - you discipline yourself not to INDULGE in the pity party of it.

This can go on for some time, and it can seem like, kee-ripes, will I ever feel any better about it? And then one day, when you aren't really paying much attention you realize that your heart no longer feels the same way anymore.

It is a very odd experience, to realize something has been released on this level. It may one day come in a huge rush or release, but often it is a quiet departure. At least for me.

I am not suggesting you ignore you have been hurt, obviously you have NOT, but how long and how profitable is it to yourself to continue to dwell on it? As you begin to focus less on the offense, and more on doing something good and positive for yourself, you will begin to build up a strength within your mind and heart you may never have been aware existed.

This WILL aid you the next time something happens, and it will also help you to more easily separate the circumstance from your vision of who you really are.

It is much easier to forgive an offense when you do not apply it directly to the vision of yourself. There will always be people who behave badly...and times when you will feel slighted, hurt, miffed. But? Is that really any surprise? Do we expect everyone to act perfectly at all times?

Forgiveness is easier when you have realistic expectations of others, and a solid understanding and vision of self.

You may need to do some reading, especially if you see patterns emerge over and over, I think they say you are trying to change the outcome of the same dysfunctional relationship from an earlier time so you are drawn to the same abuse pattern. Knowing WHAT that is would be extremely helpful, so educate yourself and start paying attention..connect the dots. That book should help.

Good luck!

D.