First, I guarantee that there are gay guys out there for you. I am sure of that. Do not ever believe otherwise.

Second, I'm sorry to hear about your family. They are wrong to say such things and, in my opinion, haven't matured enough to understand what being gay really means. It's just being attracted to the same sex. That's it. Period. Not a big deal at all. And their clinging to that old way is both irresponsible and cowardly.

I'm not going to lie, it will probably be difficult to come into yourself. It sure as hell was/is for me. But I guarantee that you will and you DESERVE, just as much as any one else, to be happy. And you will.

I had a 'friend' in high school for three years that was emotionally abusive and called me epithets and brought me down all the time. My parents were catholic and I was forced to be a jock. I had to play football, wrestling and track. Despite my protests, of anger and crying and skipping, I was forced to do it. I was shaped and molded into what I was supposed to be, all the while HATING sports and the homophobic atmosphere where I heard how sick and weak we all are. I wasn't out and I feared that if I did come out in that situation I would be beaten up.

I finally escaped when I was 18 and started traveling. I got my first taste of other gay people and the community, but it was REALLY HARD. From my upbringing and childhood I carried with me this horrible perception of myself. I hated myself. I thought I was fat, ugly and that my penis wasn't big enough and that I was a coward etc. All of this baggage reverberated in my head like an echo and it became how I saw myself!

I did not believe, even after being "out," that anyone would ever find interest in me.

Well it turns out that some people did find interest in me, but I was too lost in my head of hating myself (as a result of being yelled at, etc.). And I learned that it was ME that was stopping this. Now...there are certainly plenty of people that won't be interested in you, just like plenty of people weren't interested in me. And that's OKAY. But there are a helluva lot of people in the world. And thankfully, there are plenty of people that will go absolutely bonkers over you. Just be patient.

I'm 25 now. And going out to the bars or a place where there are gay people, I have to always calm myself down and remind myself that I'm not all those things I was told growing up. And when my head rises out of that pit of shame, I'll actually catch maybe one person's glance from across the room.

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My point is that you are unique and there is nothing wrong with you. At all.
There is nothing wrong with you. Being gay is wonderful, just as being straight is. And having your hypertonia doesn't lessen you a bit, it's just a part of you.

It probably feels or is starting to feel hopeless. I've been there! But it's not. You are 20. That IS young. And a lot of people used to always tell me that the best years of my life are 18-24, but honestly, those were hard as hell for me. It's getting better though. The older I get, the more sense life makes.

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You are not alone. Ever. Remember that.

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Wheelchairs can be intimidating to some people and there will always be fickle people. But you are going to have to be strong (and I can tell you are having come out to your family, that would be so hard). You are going to have to put yourself out there. If you join some organization, something like a gay rights group or even team of some kind, you can network there and meet plenty of gay guys that would be interested.

Trust me. You are fabulous. Be yourself and be damn proud of it. You write very intelligently and are insightful. Who you are is giving you advantages that you won't believe for later on in life.

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Don't give up hope. And keep trying. Self perception is key. You'll get through it.

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Just as a side note, when you are done with school down there. Bigger cities can be much more comfortable and possible for people like us.

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Good luck. Things will get better. A lot better.