My study list for after 'amalgam monday' is to learn a lot more about chelation. I understand what you're saying. On one hand - I want to feel more empowered by your words. On the other hand - if it's not metals - I almost wanna crawl under a table. What in the holy world with an organic diet and no addiction could cause a young woman to still be so immobile? I'm betting on other contaminants like pesticides, herbicides, halides and the like. Allow me to speak my truth. I have to say - when I graduated, finally, I knew my life was about to take off. I saw gallery shows and a new life. Part of that was because my bro had checked out and I officially, didn't have to take care of anybody but myself anymore. Magically, a year later - I was sunk. I did anti-depressants for a bit, they were sure I had PTSD, and they were temporarily correct. But I'll tell ya - Shamanic and Light healing have done loads more for me than any synthetic ever could have. Being saddled by a 'pill', for me, looked too much like my family's addiction so I quit. I went to years worth of therapy and every therapist I have ever had commended me on going without medication. I've worked hard. So - why is my body still lagging?

I've bet on metals and parasites. I've bet on them because it's the only thing I've found that makes sense. Iodine hit the reboot button, too. But - the labored breathing is setting in again. My blood tests aren't that ridiculous although there are some things that seem amiss. If I weren't so mentally foggy and felt I had the acuity I did at 27 - I'd have hoped to have figured this out by now. It's either a deficiency, conversion or collection of something in my body that's not serving me.

The elemental Naturopath had some decent keys. The Chinese doctors only helped so much. MD's did nothing but inject my vagina with cortisol injections to stop the chronic pain and give me anti-depressants. I'm not kidding. I've been convinced since the beginning that the fatigue, immunity and vaginal pain are linked. Nobody's been able to figure it out, though. I am intelligent, I know that. But I'm foggy! I feel like I'm looking through a screen door a lot. I can see my brain, I can see how I used to think and could think - but I pray that this puzzle finds its missing pieces soon. I can't do this for another many years. That sounds fatalistic, doesn't it? Ick. I don't want to sound fatalistic.

It's just this. This is the hard truth. I'm emotionally stable and have been for a very long time. Yes, I lost my family. Yes, it changed my life forever. I don't wish to follow them. I'm not secretly wishing an addiction into my life, to wither away and die, to secretly never become the artist and cartographer I want to be for the light. I'm doing lots of things, energetically, to heal myself, still - and some of them are perhaps too woo-woo to discuss on this thread. But - something is physically WRONG. Something is amiss. Why won't the MD, who seems intelligent, take a bit more time and figure out what's really wrong? Why didn't the Chinese sand pot herbs really work? Why did the Naturopath not figure it out? The nutritionist?

Not to sound dramatic - but I have wondered from time to time if it's my fate to transmit young. Like, perhaps my family wasn't meant to make it. But - I don't think that's true. What I feel to be true - is that God is leading me to a space where even more people will feel comfortable in my presence, about health and spiritual issues and that my story will be able to help people in my future. But between me and this anonymous internet thread... I'm tired. I'm tired of having been ill for this long. I'm aging, the skin on my hands is looking thin. I have a hard time breathing. My spine feels weak, my cortisol is still in the toilet or it surges and I get agoraphobic. I still have insomnia and have no 'umpff' in the a.m. I am a warrior and I'm withering. Why?!? I've cried a lot this last week. At least crying is a form of cleansing.

I will not submit my life to addiction or suicide. It is not my path. It is not my passion to manifest fear into some glorious death. But - that does mean that I feel worthy of God bringing someone who can make sense of this equation with me. I've emitted some pretty macro, sci- fi looking things over these last few parasite cleanses - perhaps that's really all that's amiss. But me thinks they couldn't have proliferated unless something were wrong.

I had an incredibly successful life before this happened. It had been happening for a few years, slowly, starting with the chronic vaginal pain and fatigue. I've been successful in different ways since it happened. God taught me to sit still, for one. I worked full time, went to school full time and graduated with honors. I grieved, wiped my cheeks and thought I'd move away from Austin to get a fresh start. My health really fell the following year and I've been chasing it ever since.

My promise to God and The Universe in tithing for these missing pieces - is to never turn away from someone that needs help. I tithe by being there for those that grieve and feel lonely in their loss. I've always promised great art as a reward for the magic key - and it's incredibly true.

Ya know what I really want to do? My plan is to become this successful artist by painting elementally balancing and healing pieces for people that encompasses all their belief systems, sacred geometry and healing pieces of the spiritual puzzle. But - I don't become successful because only snooty stuff-shirts purchase my paintings. I become successful because I retained the right to my images and with the money from the snooty stuff-shirts purchasing the originals - make tens of thousands of copies. I want to distribute them to every child in every situation that is missing God's light. I want every child and every person that has ever felt that no one understood them, to have great, healing art, no matter how much money they have, that heals their spirit and transcends any one doctrine.
That is my tithing. This is my goal. People are hurting and they need inspiration that doesn't come to them through pixels. They're divided, lonely and healing images should never cost them money. I'd like to live comfortably, with veggies in the backyard and a lovely studio to paint in. I really just want my health - that will be my wealth.

Children in the ghetto and the ninth ward aren't lifted up by media images on their walls. They're not lifted up by MTV or video games. Most can't be lifted by the image of a perfect white guy with flowing locks in a robe with 7% body fat that's supposed to be their savior. We think in patterns, shapes and elements. It has always been so - look at Lascaux Cave. God is Light. All life is light and vibration and that is what I wish to give to the children of the now.

I said this in the beginning, six months ago, when I posted where my spirit really was. I was honest about the vaginal pain, I think I even mentioned the needle shots to the vulva. That thread didn't go so well. I got called a shill and I ran away crying. I'm more iodinated now - but my truth has not changed.

I guess you know about everything about me now, 'cept I don't like roller coasters and I've always wanted a pet monkey. Yep, that's about it! :)