My first major love was an addiction. He was all the things I thought I wanted. And it lasted for 10 years.

I was a freshman and he was a senior in college. He was the most popular guy on campus. He looked exactly like Hollywood Jesus, but was a bodybuilder and rode a Harley. All the girls wanted him, and he had many! But for some inexplicable reason he chose me. And we bonded as if we were one. He was also more mature, and virile and handsome and scholarly. He treated me like I was the only woman in the world.

5 years of relationship and then marriage. And boy, did that get ugly. It was intense, and it wasn't healthy. Have you ever heard the term, familiarity breeds contempt? I learned so much from my first love. All the things that he showed me, both good and bad.

If this relationship had ended without the closure of a bad marriage, I have no doubt that I'd be dreaming about him still to this day, instead of cringing when I do dream about him now.

Now I'm married to a man that you just described. But the passion is not the same. I will never, ever tell my husband this. This is one of my big secrets.

Hi, Anja

I pined after my first love off and on for many years into adulthood. I learned a lot from the relationship. I seem to have quite a bit of learnings going on with the male/animus/father aspects. I explored why I was so attracted to him so strongly and realized it was mainly based in illusion. We were somewhat of opposites too: him being the outgoing, outspoken ‘rebel’ with a dark side me being the shy ‘quiet’ type with a dark side of my own. I guess he was just blatant about expressing it.

What I was attracted to so strongly was the way I felt in his presence or thought. Things like unconditional acceptance, gentleness, etc. The thing I finally realized is that is only one side of him. We were only seeing one side of each other and not the everyday 'realistic' side too. I never lived with him…didn’t get to experience all his ‘downs’ either so this helped feed the polarized fantasy that I thought I wanted.

I’m sure I supplied the same for him… I offered something for him that maybe no other woman had to that point. Idealisation. And maybe that’s what first loves are mainly about…a glimpse of the magic we may experience. A taste of the unconditional love available to us. What happens to it then? Maybe it is so accessible to us in these impressionable years, as many experience their first loves in teenage/young adulthood, before we don the apparel of ego-ic conditioning. Maybe we needed to also embrace our shadows and perceived incompleteness before we can fully accept this unconditional love permanently. Maybe the conditioning serves as a temporary detour, so to speak. The integration is the true work at hand.

Back to personal experience, after investigating what it was that I was so attracted to, I realized they were things I was deeply missing in my life. He was expressing the character traits I so wanted to experience in my life. I am still incorporating some of those traits into my life. No, I may never be an outspoken life of the party person nor do I need to be…and when you look upon deeper examination, its not that expression that I wanted anyway, it’s the feeling that I wanted. I want to feel completely accepted without judgment and also excited about life, passionate, confident, creative. And so it is.

We actually talked off and on briefly through the years. It all helped to finally cut the ties to what wasn't going to happen in this experience...as it was not really in the best interest of anyone involved. I was finally able to let go of 'him' with the help of him moving and some final conversations and a meeting. It helped to grieve even though I didn't understand it at the time. As painful as it was to face, and I hid it for a long time too, it brought to surface a lot of self-judgment and issues with love relationships. I am very grateful now that these issues were 'thrown in my face' so to speak because I know it is required to break through those illusions to express my whole self. Well I've had plenty of experience expressing the 'illusion' side now time to play on the 'authenticity' team. The dreams have stopped on their own and I don't feel attachment to those memories anymore.

My husband and I have been together 13 years and are expecting our fourth child. He pined for his first love too at the beginning and I think these people will always have a special place in our hearts. We have mirrored a lot of things for each other, pleasant and painful. He is exactly the type of person I would want to share a life with. We grapple with issues from time to time as most couples do…just a reflection of ourselves and where we are in our internal growth. As we grow and evolve individually, integrate all of our ‘sides’, so does our relationship. And just like we have had some ‘dark’ times so has our relationship. We are both committed to the bigger picture however and strive to embody valuing being ourselves most.

I encourage everyone to make your relationship what you want it to be. If you don’t feel comfortable addressing things directly with your mate at first, how can you begin changing your life on your own to reflect your ultimate, most fulfilled expression of yourself? This is the path to the ‘greatest love of all’ for me.

And as you do this, you may be surprised to find out who is interested in supporting you and just decides to come along with you for the ride. It may just turn out to be the people you’ve been sharing your life with all along.

Love
Lori