Using ‘The Work’ of Byron Katie
Belief/Judgement/Statement:
I’m irritated with my mother because she keeps criticising me about the way I bring up my kids.
She shouldn’t criticise me.
1. She shouldn't criticise me - Is it true?
It feels true, because I have beliefs like “Parents should support their kids” and “Parents should love their kids unconditionally” and when a parent criticises their children, it makes me feel uneasy.
2. She shouldn't criticise me - Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
No, nothing is absolute, so the answer has to be no.
From a broader perspective I can never tell what’s best in the long run for my path or that of another. And I can’t know that I would be a happier person if she would stop criticising me.
I also realise that her criticising me is not a reflection of her love for me. She just worries that I am not doing what she thinks is the right thing for the kids. So, her way of criticising is actually a reflection of how much she does care about my kids welfare.
3. How do I react when I believe that thought “She shouldn’t criticise me” and she does - What happens?
I feel defensive. I stop listening to her and find ways to justify myself. I start criticising her, even if it’s in my own thinking.
I try and find ways to get her to approve of ‘my way’ by giving her examples of what I think I’m doing right and examples of what I think she did wrong.
I feel irritated and frustrated. I start chewing my nails. I feel anger rising from my stomach into my throat. I want to make her get it that she’s wrong!
I speak to her like she’s lesser than me. I put on the ‘better than thou’ persona. I am really arrogant. I feel like a teenager again, rebelling and trying to get my own way, trying to be heard, trying to express myself to someone who doesn’t want to listen.
I start thinking that she doesn’t care about me and never cared about me, and doesn’t want to understand me. I start thinking how she must love my siblings more than me. I start to think I would be better off with no mother.
I want to go to the fridge and see if there’s any comforting food to eat.
This judgement brings a lot of stress. There is no peaceful reason for me to keep it.
4. Who would I be without the thought? “She shouldn’t criticise me. “
In contemplation … in the same situation, without attachment to that thought, I feel peaceful. I find all the things she says to me funny. I’m nodding and smiling. I hear the concern in her voice. I acknowledge that she might be right in some instances, that perhaps I am a little too relaxed about my kids. I hear that she’s giving good advice. After all, she’s had 5 kids of her own, so she has a lot of experience.
I see that if I dropped this belief that she’s always criticising me, that I would have ears to hear some of the very good advice she has given me; that my life might have been more productive and less of a roller coaster ride had I followed some of her advice.
I also see that she has always spoken with this tone, that it’s her way of communicating. She doesn’t mean any harm by it; her bark is always worse than her bite. That she’s never bitten me. And she comes from a place of love. She’s offering guidance from her place of experience and understanding.
And without attachment to the belief that she’s always criticising me, my body is relaxed, I’m just listening to her, taking in what she says without any anger or irritation. It just looks like a mother talking to her daughter.
My Turnarounds (from “She shouldn’t criticise me”)
1. She should criticise me
The reality of it is she does. I know that when I argue with reality, I always lose. But only 100% of the time :-)
She should because it’s her way of communicating and that’s ok. How else could she communicate when that’s all she was taught by her parents.
She should criticise me because it keeps me on my toes. It allows me to see what judgements come up about what she says about me, so this helps me to clean up my vibration.
She should criticise me because she has my best interests at heart. She can see where I might be headed in the wrong direction. Mothers often know best!
And I was a very rebellious teenager and I activated the vibration in her to feel that she needs to correct me.
2. I shouldn’t criticise her
It’s true, she’s doing the best she can. We all are. And when I am thinking that she shouldn’t criticise me, I am criticising her – yes, all judgement is self judgement.
I could learn to live without the need to criticise her for just being who she is. Allowing her to be who she has become is fine. Maybe if I become who I want her to be, I become her teacher. But when I criticise her, all I am doing is reflecting back that everyone criticises and that’s the way it is.
In essence, she has been and is a very good mother to me. She has helped me in so many ways when I needed her. She is even looking after one of my kids right now because he broke his ankle, and I wanted to work.
I remember her always being generous, always throwing nice birthday parties for me. She was the one who would come to my room and help me search for crocodiles under the bed. She was the one who tucked me in at night.
I remember her being extremely patient and complementary when I was learning to play the guitar. I remember her never telling me off when I left loads of skid marks on the kitchen floor when I bought my roller skates. I remember her in so many special ways. I’m enjoying remembering her, it feels very loving.
There’s so much more to appreciate than to criticise. My mother is the one person I have a complete knowing will help me if I ever need help. She’s proven that over and over.
3. I shouldn’t criticise me
This is true, I am criticising me for the thoughts that I think that lower my vibration. I’m thinking that I know better than this, I know better than to want and expect my mother to approve of me as a condition of my happiness.
I criticise me for being lazy and not doing or being enough. I criticise myself when I procrastinate. I criticise me for not being the best me I can be.
While all the time, I am just doing my best, like everyone else.
Scripting using the EGS – Abraham-Hicks
Pessimism: She’s been this way for so long I can hardly expect her to change. Maybe she’ll never change and I guess that’s ok. She’s over 70 and stuck in her ways. I can avoid her or at least limit my exposure to the negativity.
Boredom: This is getting a little tedious. I think I’ve spent way too long thinking about this. Maybe I can give up thinking about this and move onto something else. I’m sure I can find something more exciting to think about in my life. It’s not like my mother is being really nasty to me, we don’t disagree on everything. She’s not my whole life. I don’t have to let this silly argument spoil my week. Letting this all go is a good thing right now.
Contentment: I have so many other things to focus on that I’m already satisfied with. I can always pivot myself and focus on that which makes me feel good. I have many things that make me feel good now. I’m enjoying watching my dogs sunbathing on the rebounder. The sun has been out almost all day today. I love the warmth of the sun on my face. The house is so peaceful right now. Sigh.
Hopefulness: There’s so much I can do to raise my vibration on my mother, so my feelings are never static. It’s good to know that I have so many processes available to me. The vibration I have with my mother doesn’t need to affect my overall vibration. I know I vibrate highly in so many areas. I feel hopeful that as I learn to hold my vibrational set point firmly in place, that I no longer need to be affected by my mothers or another’s vibration. And I can always pre-pave before we speak and meet up next!
Optimism/Positive Expectation/Belief: I have experienced others changing when I’ve made positive changes. I know my outer world is a reflection of my inner world. I really think that if I start to activate a more a positive vibration about my mother, I can avoid any type of confrontation again. This has happened between me and others, I’m optimistic that I can do this with my mother also! I’ll work with this and it’ll be exciting to see how this plays out. I do believe I am the creator of my own reality. I’m pretty sure that I can be, do or have anything as long as I am in a state of allowing. And I am in that place more and more these days. So I will place more deliberate, focused attention on fulfilling my desire for a more joyous relationship with my mother. This is going to be fun!
Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness/Passion: I’m starting to feel really happy about this. I have a sense that this was all meant to happen. Wow I love contrast!!! What is contrast for but to bring more gifts? I am ready to do a Book of positive aspects on my mother and I will take that to my virtual reality every day. Yes, I AM the Vortex!
A quickie Rampage of Appreciation for my mother!
I appreciate my mother for looking after my son. I appreciate her for teaching me how to cook the best Malaysian food ever! I so love my mother for giving me Chinese herbal medicine instead of allopathic medication when I was little. I am blessed with a lot of cultural knowledge because of my mother. I love the lucky red packet she gave me for Chinese New Year. I’m going to buy lottery tickets with the money! I appreciate my mother teaching me about generosity to others. I love my mother for always being there and cooking the best cakes. I appreciate my mother’s humour; she knows how to laugh at herself. I appreciate how she looked after my kids for a year when I went back to work when they were only one. That was a lot of work but she rarely complained. I appreciate my mother for phoning me every week because she knows I am forgetful about phoning her. I appreciate my mother for sticking up for me when my older sister used to try and bully me. I love my mother for subtly pointing out that I was the naughtiest kid ever when I am annoyed at the behaviour of one of my kids. She just says “Oh, did you forget that you did worse than that?” and then we have a good laugh about it. I appreciate that she understands that my dogs are my babies and that I can’t attend too many family functions, because I won’t leave them with a dog sitter. I love my mother for everything that she is and all that she has done for me. My mother is the greatest!! How lucky I am!
Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation: I’m there!!!!!!!!!