Okay, I'm going to tell you a story about the mother of one of my friends. After 30+ years she and her husband divorced. In her late 50's she had pretty much decided to give up on men...until Conrad. Conrad was very artistic, about 10 years her junior, very sweet, good looking....she was thrilled!! So Conrad asked her out to dinner, but asked her to come over to his house first for a cocktail....

She had decided that perhaps there might be life after divorce after all. Conrad was smitten with her. So she carefully dressed for their big night out, making sure everything was as perfect as could be. She dabbed some perfume behind her ears as she was leaving the house.

Conrad had opened a nice bottle of wine. As they sat on the couch chatting, he casually asked her if she had every smoked pot. She hadn't, but feeling sort of adventurous, and a bit drunk she agreed. She had smoked cigarettes years earlier, so figured she might not be a total loser at this....

Conrad brought out a bong. She was amazed at how smooth it was. Had about three big tokes.

At first she felt a little funny, but then all of a sudden her stomach felt bad. She excused herself to the bathroom right off the room they were in.

The first thing she did was barf. And as she was barfing, she realized that she had to poop. Not sure what to do, she sat down on the toliet, pooping while barfing in the sink. It stopped after a few minutes and she thought she was okay. As she was looking for cleaning products it started up again. Same thing happened. She was afraid to leave the bathroom. So after 25 minutes in the bathroom of assorted expellations, skirt completely off, she was getting up to start to clean when it hit her really badly.

As Conrad came into the bathroom because he was concerned she'd passed out, she had her face down in the toliet and her butt (fully evacuating) into the air. And she was really high.

When she told us this story, I was sitting between her daughter and her friend, a Nun. Her daughter peed, I snorted something out of my nose and the Nun layed on the floor in a fetal position for a long long time. We were trying to be supportive, really we were.

Conrad sent her a very uncomfortable email about two weeks later after the date. She decided he probably wasn't the man for her.

Molly

I only had one relationship, in college, with a guy that was just about casual sex. I tried to convince myself we had a boyfriend/girlfriend thing going on, but it really wasn't true, he was basically just a friend I started having sex with, I don't even know why, because we were young and unattached and horny I guess. We stayed friends for a few years afterward, too, with minimal awkwardness. (I somehow segwayed into dating one of his friends as I was phasing out with him, but that's another story.) I gotta say, it was some of the best sex of my life, and while I still prefer it in the context of a relationship (my husband is glad for that, I'm sure), I'm glad I didn't miss out on the freedom of emotionally un-attached, kinda drunk sex. It was also my one experience with potentially public sex because one night we were in the art studio doing some pretty risque stuff on one of the large workbenches in front of the window that opened onto a courtyard. Totally possible somebody could have been out there watching, and I still cringe when I think about that. I think the cheap wine at the time blotted out any concern about being seen. Frankly, I wish I'd been a lot more free about sex in general in my 20's, I think my upbringing stifled a pretty strong sex drive I wish I still had, and I could have had a lot more fun with it. Of course, I have a girlfriend who slept around a lot and she's had several abortions...

Then there was my first big love I fell hard for, before that, when I was about 19. We stayed friends for 10 years after the one year relationship that completely turned me upside down, and I carried a torch most of that time. I won't say he was the one that got away because I know I'm with the man I'm supposed to be with now, but I never had closure with that guy. My last visit with him was really uncomfortable, I was a late bloomer in many ways, and he was annoyed with me in that respect, and while I didn't think the silent treatment we gave each other afterwards would last more than a few months, it did, and ten years later, I still feel the loss of that intense and romantic friendship. I tried contacting him through a mutual acquaintance last year around Christmas, but never heard anything back. All I know is he's off making movies in CA. I googled him and his film projects come up. I used to know someone almost famous.... I wonder if he would have shrugged me anyway once he started hanging out with the hollywood crowd...He was a good guy, really. The timing was bad. He would not have been a good long term partner, though, he loves women too much and I doubt could be with just one, happily ever after. The one I landed can. :)

Sorry, Molly, that last one wasn't lite.... ! *sigh* Now I'm all nostalgic....

I was going to save this one, but I can see you all need some impetus....Here goes...
Andy!

After the infamous "Joe" (sexy, scary, dramatic) I started to see Andy. He was really skinny, almost painfully skinny. The man was so mired in disfunction it was ridiculous, and he smoked like a chimney. He definitely was my "bridge" guy. After all Joe was my first, and was scary, so Andy seemed somewhat sane. Well he wasn't. The more time I spent with him the freakier he seemed.

Okay guys, hold onto your hats, but the guy was OVER endowed. Now this was my second. It was like having moby dick coming at me. Literally I could not move for fear of pain during sex. So as I lay there whimpering trying to be a good sport I was totally freaking out. There were men out there with dongs the size of a mini-van? And he was thin. It was like all the material in his body settled there......Have you noticed that with really thin men?

I met this other guy. My stupid NPD in college, the one that made my knees weak. Just like a good girl in the 70's I slept with him on the first night I met him. He a senior, me a freshman I figured "one night stand". The morning of the first night I got out of bed because Andy was at the door to take me out for the day. Yeah, I felt a bit guilty, but after being with this sexy, masculine man all night I really decided Andy had to go.

Well, that day I did what any self respecting woman would do....I had one last painful mercy f^%k with Andy and broke up with him. I remember him sitting on the bed, smoking his cigarette, huge dong laying over half the sheets, looking very hurt. Man, it was horrible.

So I went back to campus and found this incredibly wonderful man and started to "date" him. Within one week we were both covered in crabs. I mean this guy was hairy, and I guess the crabs went from the center to both ends. Yep, Andy gave me a gift. Apparently he'd been messing around with some skanky waitress at one of the area clubs.

All I want to do now is to publicly thank Andy. Thank you jerk. I hope you and your huge dong have had a lovely life.

Molly

I was 12. He was so damn cute. He LOVED me.

I met him behind a tree by church. When he kissed me he opened his mouth completely wide and it almost covered my nose. Our teeth clicked.

I remember thinking....Eeeewwwww, gross.

He's a chiropractor now. Worked on me recently and he's still cute. Damn I got shingles within a month of that adjustment.....isn't that weird?

I told my first boyfriend Joe that if he didn't have sex with me I'd break up with him. I was pissed at Mom and Dad. I think I screwed him up....I don't think he was ready. Poor guy.

What a GREAT idea! LMAOLMAOLMAO!!!! Here's my true story which, today, is almost hilarious. I can't believe I'm going to post this, but here it goes:

I had been dating this gorgeous Italian guy - very passionate, loads of fun, but possessive and extremely jealous. After about 18 months, I decided that I couldn't remain with this guy as his jealousies had overwhelmed him and he began showing up during my college classes!

I began dating this other fellow - very casually without any notions of long-term committments.

Well, I had a bunch of friends and this guy I was dating over to my folks' house, one night, to celebrate one of my friend's birthday. Complete with cake, copious amounts of booze, as much dope as a body could smoke, and a crackling fire outside lighting up the crisp autumn night, we were all sitting around, singing and laughing, having a grand time, and from nowhere my former boyfriend shows up with this delinquent friend of his. They just appeared out of the gloom and the tension was suddenly thick enough to cut with a knife!

Without warning, my former boyfriend jumped up and leapt over the fire, grabbed the guy I was dating, and commenced to fistfight with him. My former boyfriend towered over everyone (he was 6'4" and 215lb) and was swinging wildly while his ratty friend held my date down so that he could be beaten.

This escalated to the point where I grabbed the galloot by the shirt to pull him off of my date and he thought (in HIS drunken stupor!) that I was some man trying to break up the fight, swung around and clocked me square in the nose. I heard an exquisite "CRUNCH" and my nose was broken. Meanwhile, the gal whose birthday it was kept screaming, "This is just GREAT! What a way to celebrate my f*cking BIRTHday!" over, and over! While I was attempting to stem the flow of blood out of my nose-holes and this gal was screaming about her birthday, several people managed to kick the living shit out of ratty guy holding my date down and subdue my former boyfriend in this great, writhing pig-pile - it looked like the last play in an Army-Navy football game, I swear.

Needless to say, this whole thing ended with cops coming and the ex's parents calling to apologize for their son's behavior, etc.

Afterwards, the party sort of broke up and I was in the powder room, nose bleeding, and wretching all of the booze and cake I had consumed into the toilette while my date was trying to tell me that he loved me "...in (his) own way..." We stopped dating shortly, thereafter, and the former boyfriend faded back into the distance.