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8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage
By Ylonda Gault Caviness
"...And they lived happily ever after." You're smart. You know life is
 
no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk 
romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may
 
be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the 
silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.

In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more 
like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you're the chick who keeps 
falling down and screaming for her life. I've been there.

Let's face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to 
believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it 
does. But it ain't always pretty.

That may sound grim. But here's a secret: Sometimes it's the least 
romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about 
yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some 
simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures 
in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this 
it? Forever?

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy
 
— your soul mate — you'll be happy together until death do you part. 
Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, 
he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some 
days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in 
the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed 
up for.

Actually, it is. You just didn't realize it the day you and your guy 
were cramming wedding cake into each other's faces, clinking champagne
 
glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea 
that "for better and for worse" doesn't kick in only when life hands 
you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a 
daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness 
can sometimes make you want to run for the hills.

That's when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable 
sense of loneliness and grief. It's not him. It's just you, letting go
 
of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the 
day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos.
 
You're learning that marriage isn't a destination; it's a journey 
filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not
 
seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you
 
let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the 
reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever 
could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own 
powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any
 
fairy tale.

2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people say, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" 
means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In 
your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some 
annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.

If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not
 
simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from
 
where he sits, you're pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each 
other the same way that you once learned earth science or world 
geography. And getting married doesn't mean you're done — it just 
means you've advanced to graduate-level studies. That's because every 
time you think you've mastered the material, he'll change a bit. And 
so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage 
is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

"It's like losing weight," says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. 
"You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But 
then you learn it's a lifestyle. That's marriage. The effort is a 
forever thing." So don't be too hard on yourself — or him — on those 
days when you feel like you're struggling through remedial math.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Whoever decided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know
 
what it's like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one
 
spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn.
 
If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got three words for you: Sleep 
on it.

You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just 
give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality, like a 
fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you 
figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the 
exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the 
overflowing garbage can is really about feeling under appreciated. 
Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on
 
someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe 
you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a 
time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless
 
round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant 
transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some 
fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle 
your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage
 
will surely be the worse for it. "This was a huge lesson for me," says
 
Andrea. "As women we've been trained to make nice. But the whole 
kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside.
 
I'd let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a 
while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and 
state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next
day."

4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that's
okay.

There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I 
don't say this because I know he may read this article. I've seen 
women checking him out when they think I'm not looking. (Honestly, 
ladies, you don't have to sneak a peek. I don't mind if you stare.) 
That said, there are times that I just don't feel like having sex — 
often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even 
his name is sexy.) I can't lie and say this is always okay with him. 
But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he's not in the 
mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don't do it. And then a few 
more. And....

Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn't 
a sign that you've lost your Moho or that you'll never have sex again.
 
It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. 
(I don't know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, 
soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a
 
pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)

And don't kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as 
popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how 
much you think you "should" be having sex, keep the focus on figuring 
out your own rhythm. "I used to think, What's happened to us? We 
always used to be in the mood," says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of 
Oakland, CA, who's been married for five years. "Now I know better. 
Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long 
commute, and we have two small children. I think we're good."

The key is to make sure that even if you're not doing "it," you're 
still doing something-touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart
 
gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring 
day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of 
touch and attention keeps us connected even when we're not having 
spine-tingling sex.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to 
work together.

I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It's really not my 
intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It's just that a 
lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most 
times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years 
into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more "right" I 
was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, 
oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the 
misguided impression that he's right most of the time (go figure!). So
 
we'd lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.

Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right
 
or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your 
husband's. "I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our 
marriage," says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. "Now I 
see that I'm not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There's 
more gray in life than I thought, and that's taught me patience and 
the value of compromise."

The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the 
more I respect his positions. That doesn't mean I always agree with 
him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us 
both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow
 
the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, "I see your point" 
or "I hadn't considered that." After I sincerely acknowledge his view,
 
it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I'm
 
being heard, most of the time now, I don't even want to prove how 
right I am anymore. Funny how that works, isn't it?

6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple
 
keeps trying to get it right.

Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I 
never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, 
it's also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. 
Because when you fight, you don't just raise your voices; you raise 
real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a 
clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I 
wouldn't give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know 
in the end they won't break us; they'll only make us stronger.

7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.

Ever seen the '80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the 
stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how
 
to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A 
hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John 
Malkovich's android character into her personal version of the ideal 
man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.

There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that 
makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a 
little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts
 
and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge 
responsibility, convinced we're doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a 
full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and 
idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to 
realize, sooner than later if you're lucky, that it is far easier to 
change the way you respond to him.

Here's a perfect case in point: "I used to go off on my husband 
because he didn't empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen," 
says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. "It got me nowhere; 
my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen
 
looks clean, I'm like, 'Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink 
trap.'"

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what 
you're really made of.

I've got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I'm sure, 
that I've yet to fully discover. I guess I've always known I wasn't 
perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I've been smacked 
upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.

There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the 
trust thing. Early on, I was super suspicious of him. He used to say 
things like, "I'll call you at 8." Then, just to try to trip me up, 
he'd call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn't figure 
out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. 
Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of 
scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major 
violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late,
 
I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my 
head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff 
wouldn't happen.

I'd like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a
 
few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer
 
to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking 
to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I've come 
to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil 
about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally 
distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both 
good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my
 
marriage.

I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in 
the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your 
relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can
 
be difficult to accept — after all, it's so much more comforting to 
keep a running tab of your hubby's deficits and tell yourself that his
 
failings are the only thing standing between you and a better 
marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness 
can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term 
relationship — you'll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate 
toward yourself, just as you're learning to do with him.

That's the strange beauty of marriage: It's full of hard times and 
hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, 
those are the things that give richness to your life together — and 
make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

Maybe we will do this again...  See Ya  Kermit

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