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Reclaiming Physical Reality
Being honest, and reclaiming
my Ground of Being.
Date: 3/17/2006 10:27:15 AM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 922 times 3/17/06
7:49 AM
Had a nightmare where
some young men, who seemed quasi-friendly
were in the process of stealing the EG Mobile.
Somehow, I took a ride with them, sort of like
I was being kidnipped by half-friendly people.
I wasn't clearly speaking my truth to them.
I was participating in some kind of deception.
Finally became crystal clear what their motives
were. I was really being taken for a ride
and they wanted to take away the physical
possessions that meant the most to me,
including my camera, and a boom box
that I had put in the van.
Then I woke up from this nightmare.
I wasn't sure what reality was more of a nightmare,
the dream or this physical world.
Spent the last two days, tying together and updating
bits and pieces of my Enchanted Garden essential documents.
These are the substrate of whatever active enterprise
I am doing.
I can imagine moving on from creative projec to project
as each takes on a life of its own.
I now basically have a product I am proud to sell,
these Seven Love Cures, words men need to know
and women want to hear. They are beautiful laminated
Love Cure Post Cards that people can sell.
I will take them to the Natural Product Expo West Next
week and show them off as well as pursue various avenues
to get them into the marketplace.
I saw yesterday that I would offer them up as special gifts
to various companies--starting with the ones I know--
where they could be given away as gifts. Dottie Walters,
the Master of Speaking once, told me that idea.
I am still having problems with lamination,
and some of the lamination materials.
I am sure my energy influences the machines and
electronic gadgets. Last night one plaque actually
got stuck in the laminator at Michael's and ruined
after the earlier ones that I worked on showed signs
of some problems.
I am going to try out my old laminator at home and see
if it is up to the job.
I nailed down the foundation with the OTA yesterday,
the folks who I am taking photos for at the Natural Product
Expo West next Thursday night.. Laura called.
They will cover my expenses for new batteries, and
Compact Flash that holds the pictures. They will cover
cost on a few nights of my room. Laura told me
which photo she liked of mine for a gift item to give away.
I would like to make a template for photo gifts that looks
similar to the Love Cure Post Card.
We area few days away from the Spring Equinox.
IT has been the longest of winters. I cannot say
how many crisis I have been through or anxiety producing
experiences.
A pattern of not being able to count on things or people
has surfaced. How bad things are, I know they could be
twenty times worse if I were not getting so much help from
spirit. Considering it is Mercury Retrograde, I have had a
considerable amount of technological ease.
I actually recovered lost photos that had been deleted
from a Compact Flash from that Erotic Show I did around
February. I was able to email the core important ones home
when David's CD burner was not working.
I wrote a draft for a Chicken Soup for the Soul story this week.
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=1351
I wrote up a little chapter for the Harpo book
that is a good read:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=1350
I made two significant new friends on Curezone,
and feel I gained a bit more understanding and
underscoring of why I am in this world.
I improve by Curezone Logo on my personal sites
to direct traffic from them to here.
I send in a scholarship to attend the Creativity and
Madness Conference in July. Barry Panter responded
the same night. I know there is a significant community
there for me.
I wrote up a very seminal Blog on the work
I do with Seed Dreams:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=1358
This week, I brought out hard copies of The Seven Love
Cures. I can set up my Altar to them in front of me.
There are some tweeking, but I do not feel blocked selling
them. When I have time--maybe tomorrow--I will put
up the other's in the set on the Shopping Cart. on
the World's Greatest Lover's web site.
I have passed through some severe emotional storms,
and see that it is important, how painful, to keep seeking my
own strength through finding boundaries. A part of me
is not totally convinced I am doing the right thing, but in spite
of the pain and discomfort and wanting to reach out to
a very dear loved one, I need to let her live with her own decisions
and wants, while I live with my own.
It is so hard to know what is good for me.
I am not very good at that.
She knows what she wants.
She knows she does not love me the way I love her.
She knows that although she likes physical intimacy
with me, she has taken a stand to never have it again.
She knows she wants other kinds of head over heals
experiences in love, and I am something of the past
in that regard.
There has been so much coming and going between
us, so much shifting of closeness and distancing,
my inner sense of being able to count on anything
or trust what people say way up.
I have to refind that place between us where I could
merely be a friend, but for now, I do not know where that
place is. I am so deeply saddened that all this relationship
change is coming at a time when she is so in need
of emotional support. I too am in need on emotional support.
I would rush in to rescue here in an instant, but
likely give up my own needs in doing so.
It all sounds so foolish, so stubborn for each of us
to be taking our individual stands right now. It is not my way at all.
It feels so painful. All I can say is, something deep must
be dictating this in both of us, and I have to surrender to that.
We are both seeking our individual strength and boundaries
that work for us. There is no blame, no making wrong.
My spirit is with her.
Part of me says, right now my deep heart and body
are a package deal. IF she wants one, it goes with the other.
Another part of me says this is selfish and babyish. I could
be a friend without physical intimacy, but right now that thought
triggers emotional feelings of discomfort. I am not in a space
to stand by right now as she opens to love with others and leaves
me out. The absurdity of course is that this is merely a abstraction.
The thing she needs most is our friendship. I am not yet
at peace being actively friends, or clear about all my feelings
in the middle. Definitely uncharted ground--being kind to me
above the other person.
I know this is my issue. I know it comes from the
death of my mother when I was 12. This pattern comes up
every time a housemate moves in or out...I have so many
experiences of people saying they will do one thing--such as
move in--and then not move in.
I have to get to the core of this and shift this very unnerving
reality. I need to be surrounded with new close friends that I can
talk to, and count.
Last night Marcia came over to size up how much it would cost
to give us a boost in housecleaning. She said about $60.00 to $80.00.
She would be doing Every Day Upkeep, which is something
that the housemates are suppose to do themselves, but are not.
My consistent housemates who clean seem to be burnt out.
or not not expressing what their needs.
Something came up about the living room being so cluttered
that one feels burnt out to do the normal beautifying she did
consistently for a long time. She had been a rock of sanity for me.
Not that is no longer here.
The leaks are back. The same leaks Rainbow, the plumber
has fixed time and again. I called him.
Some record keeping was completed during the winter...
a great win. I still have the 05's to do, and I am impacted
by a large container on the floor.
I want to return the Pitney Bowes mailing machines today.
They sent a box.
I am going to set up my laminator and see if I can get some
results.
I am going to organize the old notebooks and do the laundry,
and get into some conversations around here about
the help that is needed.
I got a call from Schiel, the man who works for a finance company
that feels they could get me a loan with my credit.
I have to come out of hiding regarding the core issues
of my life that I need to work on for growth.
I need to take some steps today to work with the foundation
through vacuuming myself.
I get flustered looking for things on my computer.
This is anxiety producing. I need to find and print up
some calendars where housemates can write down
what they do.
I will spend time with a dust rag today
and see if underneath all this I can find
Your Enchanted Garderer hidden in the cracks.
leslie
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