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Seeking Strength
Sharing very vulnerable
feelings. If I am true to form
the breakthrough will come
after this breakdown of anxious feelings.
I need to make the most of this day
and record my insights.
I need to make a healing moment
of this, and stand up on my own two feet.
Date: 7/9/2005 11:42:17 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1658 times "In the midst of my dark hour,
I awaken to realize there is
nothing wrong with me.
I don't need to be changed from anything.
I don't need to recover from anything.
I need to discover something.
I need to discover I am the form
this beloved universe created for
this moment to evolve itself."
From Moment of Awakening
© 1989,lesliegoldman
It is Saturday morning.
My desk is needing to be cleared.
The rents for the month need to go in the bank.
I have not heard from the very lovely housemate
that agreed to move in, gave me a check,
and said she would call me yesterday
to confirm the money was in the bank.
I am needing to pull strength that in this moment
I feel I do not have.
I had better light a candle on my desk.
I need to affirm that this strength is possible
and look deeply at how I continue to create
situations around room rentals that are living nightmares.
This situation is bringing up the last time two rooms needed
to be rented. I realize I have not gotten that out of my system,
but merely suppressed this energy.
Light? Dark? The feeling comes up of shame.
You would want to be my friend if I am weak like this?
Who reading this would keep their distance,
say this is too much?
How can I break this down into tiny bite size organic pieces?
How can I take the time to set the foundation of growth
that allows me to feel competent in this postiion of house
manager that I am not naturally suited for?
I have made incredible progress over the years at find
the way.
But still I am beating myself up this morning for a number
of out of line situations that I have to correct.
How much is the difference between the utilties collected
for the year, and the expenses of the utilities?
Do I have all the bills to figure this out? YES
would take time to find them.
Can the Utility company tell me? YES.
Can someone else do this for me?
IMPORTANT to FIND A WAY to GET
COLLABORATIVE HELP.
Can I afford the time now to figure this out. NO
What do I do with the upgoing situation of one
housemate that cannot afford rent, or utilities?
What do I do with the person whose rent has not
been raised for a number of years, and does not do the work?
What do I do with the housemate that believes
"she is right" and knows it all?
She believes this is an unjust situation energetically
and chaos. She helps with many good delination of
rules and helps with responsibilities I do not wish to handle.
Can I afford to continue to have her live here?
Can I afford to not afford for her to live here?
How do I get to the bottom of all this?
This is not information I want to go public...
I am too ashamed of my feelings of imcompetency.
Maybe this is the Monkey Mind that 9th Body speaks about.
If I can pull strength I can at least breathe into this,
and give myself more time.
Time may mean having unrented rooms.
I am feelling pressure of that.
I am anxious because the sweet lady--
who was so perfect and gave me the check
has not called in.
Did I do something wrong?
What is the impulse in me that believes
I have done wrong?
How far back does this go?
Where in my body is this stored?
What is the consequences of this stress
on my body now.
___
"I accomplish much without
realizing it through my courage
to simply be me here and now.
All that is sacred in the world
uses me to proclaim its purpose even
when I see my life as broken, and wrong,
and my self as weak."
--From Moment of Awakening
© 1989, leslie goldman
I am shaky from lack of rest.
Meanwhile, the tiny seeds of Abraham's
lettuce, the ones that Michael Bechwith,
RIckie Byers, and Kathy Hearn blessed
to heal the rift between the Children of Abraham
are starting to sprout.
I have not even watered them,
and they are starting to sprout
in a little pot topped with biodynamic compost.
No light...just sitting here...no water...
just energy..just life...starting to sprout.
See the story of Abrahams New Seed replanted here...
What is the next step...
take papers off the desk.
Pay the rents...
Wear blinders.
Do one thing now I can manage)
breathe.
The phone rings.
It is Lauren.
She apologizes for not calling yesterday.
She is moving in.
My body feels a release where the issues
were stored.
I will more strength to take on the issues
that have been buried in my bones and body
and organs.
The last time this happened in January
I had two vacancies...
One gave me a check...I wanted her to move in...
Then she backed out, and cancelled the check.
She came over a couple times to check it out
again...went back and forth...
I have a ton of energy to this...
She ended up not moving in.
Another person showed up...
She wanted to move in.
I put a ton of energy into this.
She made a deposit.
She felt a negative energy from
a housemate. She made a deposit.
I went to bed thinking she was moving in.
She called the next morning to say she was not moving in.
Who can you Trust?
Can you Trust the Word of those
who say then will do one thing but do another?
How deeo do this wounds go?
When does a person start to use the body
as a toxic waste dump for unresolved feelings
to difficult to look at , too difficult to believe they can resolve?
Is this how we become "Damaged Goods"
and can we heal this as Suzannah Crowder says
in her marvelous book.
Blog here:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=193
Glad the issues are up from the Dark
to be looked at.
I resolve to move more of this energy
through me this summer.
This is to move my Chi free flowingly.
This is inner Feng Shui...
"I awaken. I see the dark corners of me
are where I grow from.
I make them pure fertile soil.
I release my judgment against moments
when I feel stuck in darkness.
Getting stuck in the light hurts the Earth
as much as getting stuck in the dark.
Getting stuck anywhere is the closest
I will ever come to dying."
--Moment of Awakening
© 1989, lesliegoldman
Abraham's Lettuce Replanting Here:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=494
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