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Toward the Light
Thoreau writes at the end of Walden,
"I do not say that John or Jonathan will realize all this,
but such is the character of that morrow
which mere lapse of time can never make to dawn.
The light which puts out our eyes is darkness to us.
Only that day dawns to which we are awake.
There is more day to dawn.
The sun is but a morning star."
This is a checking in with
myself.
Date: 7/9/2005 7:19:40 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1156 times Sleepless. Got up around 3:30 AM
and wrote back to my dear friend
John Vasconcellos, the former
state senator. I wanted to include
you in my check in with myself.
Thanks for listening
your enchanted gardener,
leslie
on 7/9/05 2:15 AM, John Vasconcellos, former State Senator,
and dear friend writes:
I TRUST UR HEALTH IS WELL?
- MINE IS!
....
In a message dated 6/17/05 10:16:41 AM, PlantYourDream@Cox.net writes:
I was the Enchanted Gardener of Sacramento for about ten minutes, Your Enchanted Gardener for President?
___
Good to hear from you too.
John, I am sleepless right now.
It is 3:19 AM.
I have the International Feng Shui Conference in
25 days.
http://www.lesliegoldman.com/Feng_Shui_Conferences/index.htm
Dr. Bernard Jensen, my Spiritual father,
had a formula that said at each decade
of our lives we had new things to learn.
The 50 year old is not the 60 year old.
The 30 year old is not the 40 year old.
I am 57 going on 58.
Many of the things I person might learn from earlier years
I perhaps have not learned.
Dr. Jensen spoke of a 8-8-8- model.
8 hours for work.
8 for recreation.
8 for sleep or rest.
He once spoke about a kid who drank Coke, and died of some imbalance
that was given the name of a disease.
Jensen said it would have been more accurate
to have put on the Death Certificate,
he died from Drinking too much Coke.
I am not doing well at this 8-8-8 model, especially
preparing for this International Conference where I am teaching
two classes, creating the conference Altar, In charge of coordinating
three organic lunches with local farmers,
preparing a photo exhibit that at this point is a slide show,
Last year I made some money doing photography and my photographs
were used for the conference brochure. I will likely do a lot of photos again.
I have no concept until I start feeling weary that each idea I generate
has 1000 or more details that go with it.
I am dark to this reality of seeing this.
The conference is extremely content rich.
There are sixty of the Sustainable Living Innovators coming to San Diego
for this conference in a summer when more and more people will become
aware of the film "The Future of Food" as well as the little internet video
called "Store Wars" about the Dark Side of the Farm and the Organic Rebellion.
URL's here for a trailer on "The Future of Food."
http://www.thefutureoffood.com/trailer.htm
URL for "Store Wars" here:
http://www.curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=430
People see these films/film clips and they are shocked, disheartened,
and in disbelief that we have lost so much of our food supply to the multinational
Corps.
At the same time, here are the reinforcements coming to San Diego.
Count 'em 60 of the Solutions that Mother Earth wants heard, and few people
know about this Conference. IT will only succeed through word of mouth,
and this is a full time job that could be done, but is being done as best as possible by a handful of well meaning volunteers.
I feel responsible for the success of this conference.
I cannot give all the reasons why I feel this way
because some of the reasons are "dark" to me;
They come up as I work and my body hurts,
or light shines from a deeper place
on the errors of my way.
The site for the conference was too some extent chosen because of me.
I encouraged it happening here.
I went with Roger Green, the conference developing, to the Hilton San Diego Resort
before the contract was signed. I was in on this initial meeting.
The attendance is running low. Many of the people who came last year are not coming again
though last year's conference was incredibly wonderful.
I have some helpers in the works, but I have not taken time to organize them.
My Waterloo is collaboration, although my writing is all about this.
The marketing of the conference is not professionally manned.
A few lovely volunteers are doing their best.
I envision that the success of the conference will depend on local support,
and others who catch the fire and spread the word.
I jumped in to put tons of hours into creating an alliance with one local paper,
The Light Connection. There are now a media sponsor. We received a full page color add
and two stories were written. It was a difficult writing process. I wrote most of them
working with editors. That paper also featured the story about you. I put you in touch
with the editor Steve Hays when I heard he wanted to do something on participatory democracy.
I have written a Blog or two about The Politics of Trust recently and took one of your quotes
that you gave me and made art out of it.
YOu can see it here.
The reason I mention the death certificate, is that more than likely
the accurate reason that will go on mine, is that I died from Working too Hard
and working too much, and not learning how to Collaborate.
I see the lack of Collaboration among Our Side--as the reason why
the Multinationals like Monsanto got hold of our food supply in the first place.
We are the Ones who are been Blesses with all the relationship gardening tools
to know how to Collaborate, but I do not know too many who have worked through
all their issues to truly make Team Play possible. I would like to think I am wrong
about this. Maybe it is primarily my achilles heel.
I know your success in Sacramento was due to your ability to team.
THis overworking issue, this is one of the reasons
I have feared working a conventional job most of my life.
I would have died in my spirit if I had attempted to work for a living, so to speak,
to work for money as the reason for work.
I harbor many unresolved feelings about this.
It has always seemed to me that those who buy in, receive money.
Those with money can attract a woman who wants babies and a family.
Those who buy in can support a family.
This is a belief system I know. You have never been married.
You have an adopted family. You have children who love you and who you love.
But, you have been fulfilled in your work. I cannot say I have.
I have never really been adequately paid for my work.
I suffer this pain at times, but I am motivated to work by inspiration.
I have thought that if someone came in and could take my work and run with it,
there is enough wisdom for ten people to become millionaires.
I am by nature imbalanced. I am by nature a creative genius. Genius is by nature
imbalanced. I have developed inner visions. I am strong on ideas, but struggle
with follow through. Writing for me is therapy. It is also escape, as well as motivated
by unmet needs and humanitarian impulses.
Summer is by nature a dangerous time for me.
Many of the ideas that I have planted as seeds in spring are now
all plants, each crying for attention.
I attempt to feed too many plants.
You have been here at this home where I live.
It is in part of a jungle, a reflection of my own chaos as well as wild creativity
and abundance of Life Forces.
The land suffers unjustly, as one of my house mates reflected this week.
I am not a full time manager here although I am the manager.
If I did nothing but be a manager this would be a full time job for someone,
but there is no formula for being paid for being the manager that I have created
or implemented--not yet--though I have made major improvements with the help
of others.
Living here is in part a fairy tale called the Enchanted Garden.
One of the dark sides of living here, is that I see played out what I say and do not say.
If I cringe from telling a housemate that I would like them to be forthright with their trade
of work--12 hours a month--or not find the capacity within me to make sure they are paying
the higher amount of rent so I can hire someone else to do their work, this place gets especially
overgrown in one more regard.
A stand of cane that I would have had someone cut, turns to a grove of overgrowth.
Once I failed to honor my misgivings about having a woman stay here in a tent.
My intuition was that this did not feel right. She had already been here once and I could see
she had too many issues that were unresolved, including authority issues with parents that
were being projected on me.
Other house mates wanted her here. I was about to go into surgery for my hip replacements.
I could hardly walk, near stand up to say what an adult manager would naturally say.
She arrived one afternoon, having had a car accident that day.
That night, she feel asleep with a candle burning in the tent and that candle caused
a fire that changed the direction of life here for three or more years, and in many ways forever.
I lost two structures. I had to deal with neighbors. I had to deal with the city and its regs.
The foundation of this place is still out of order with regs as some of these regs stand.
I have not dealt with these fully, and I pay the price in suppressed energy that has
health effects.
I imagine I wanted to live in community for numbers of reasons.
Perhaps one was that some part of me realized that collaboration was necessary
if any of the vast ideas I have would be rooted to help humanity.
Other reasons is that I could not possibly live other than on a natural place
with lots of space, but the price is high as far as emotional issues that come up.
It is like a hermit attempting to be a communitarian.
In public I am one thing, at home I need lots of private time and alone time.
In many ways it is better than ever--I admit that. I am learning the lessons.
I have learning disabilities that show up with numbers. Where you,John, seem to have
some facility with ways and means as I recall, I stumble even over figuring out my expenses
vs rents.
It is embarrassing the situations and pain I have lived through here as I have figured out
how to be more successful at managing this place.
Meanwhile, a person who looks in my room would see tons of notebooks, mainly inspired writings,
and multitudes of projects that if they were in the world right now, the world would look extraordinarily different--and likely for the good. It is not that I do not have all the opportunities imaginable
to get these works out. I have had connections and friendships to some of the greatest of
publishers, but the priorities and unmet needs I harbor have kept me focused elsewhere thus far.
I can see this changing. The progress is slow, but steady, on all fronts, including the inner
work necessary to succeed.
In spite of all my disabilities and crippledness of various kinds, I am grateful for the things I have
accomplished and the influences I have had on numbers of Souls.
I would like to show up as an example that even with a body that is crippled in the eyes
of some, and less that moveable in this world, through imbalance I have developed other
ways to fly through the universe so to speak. It is also great for others to see, that in spite
of apparent physical limitations I have been had some of the most incredible women in my life
most of my adult years. I have been privileged to come to understand aspects of a woman's
life that few men understand--and this journey continues as my poems, The Seven Love
Cures, have influence in the world.
In rare situations, such as conferences, I can get really "dangerous."
With enough support and helpers, for short periods of time, I become an embodiment
of a person who is not only inspired but effective.
I can earn money. I can sell things in these situations. I can receive for what I have done,
kinda like a farmer who works and then in three days the whole crop can come in if he
has the help to reap the fruits of his labor.
So here I am, 25 days away from a conference where I have co-created and majority influenced.
I am so proud to be able to advance the "Organic Rebellion."
We have actually gotten organic foods into the lunches at the HIlton Hotel through
a Co-Partnering, and ABOVE ALL, the Chef now has permission on the Corporate level
to continue after our conference to buy locally grown produce from my Farmers' Market
friends!!!
Read about that here:
So that is the story as it is now:
I have committed to too much,
but every morning I awake with fresh energy, and I go off again
hearing inner voices and following up on inspirations till I am exhausted again.
I have all the gardening tools I need to succeed at what I am doing.
There are friends like yourself who will read this, and send their good
thoughts. I can feel there love now.
I know it is the application
of the spiritual things I know that alludes me until I fall again on my face and learn
to do things better.
Last year, I ended up in the emergency hospital the night before this conference.
Kidney stones...I am still not fully recovered from that night in the hospital and the
drugs I took, that disrupted my digestion.
I see that I am called to learn some very important life lessons right now.
Blog here insights:
At the same time as all this is going on with the conference,
my closest relationship is in clarification, and this most
important work draws me.
On top of this, I have two roommate vacancies.
One I believe I filled yesterday with a delightful person...
but they did not call in this morning to confirm that I could cash a check they gave me
and I am feeling very anxious about this.
Tonight, it was confirmed that I have a second vacancy for August 15.
So that is the story, John, my friend.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to write out all this for myself and my Blog.
Do not feel you have to respond meticulously as you usually do.
Thoreau writes at the end of Walden,
"I do not say that John or Jonathan will realize all this,
but such is the character of that morrow
which mere lapse of time can never make to dawn.
The light which puts out our eyes is darkness to us.
Only that day dawns to which we are awake.
There is more day to dawn.
The sun is but a morning star."
John, thanks for being one "John" who takes time for our friendship.
Thanks for being such a precious and Beloved human being
to so many. You deserve all the friends you have.
I Bless you in the growth of the Politics of Trust.
your enchanted gardener,
leslie
Hilton success Blog about meeting
earlier this week:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=492
couple blogs on John:
Here is a blog I wrote recently that was about something you said:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=488
and another artwork I made:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=482
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