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Riding the WAVES
Issues arise in me
from being close to where
my Soul Mate lives.
I did not see her today.
I attended a Clothes less
pool party and these
are my feelings.
Date: 6/12/2005 2:06:45 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1146 times WISH I had more time to Blog.
Rushing the clock to get up to
Topanga Canyon for the Dare.
Dare has an accent on the last e
but I do not know how to make that.
It is pronounced Dar-A, "A" as in the sound
of the first letter.
Soutmate is going to be up there.
That is the plan.
Last time was a nightmarish experience
up there sometime last October, and
I would like to write that out.
Felt very wounded by that experience and it was
a big player in allowing my Immune system to
Fall out.
Nothing to blame. We are who we are.
Each person Chooses their experience
and comes in with these narrow places
where to flower.
Until we turn our breakdowns into breakthroughs
we have not identified the Reason and Purpose
of our Lives.
In am not in the School of Thought
that attempts to summon a positive thought
but the wound is calling me out.
I would rather take my Gardening Tools--
my Skills into the Dark. Here I may grovel a bit.
Here I may feel what I am feeling, but if I go deep
enough I will find my Soul and the Lesson I am to learn.
The challenge as was pointed out yesterday
is we are all asked:
Can we Be Ourselves and Still be in Relationship to
others? An even deeper question is,
Can we be in the Flow of Life
and the Flow of Love.
Can we find the way to stay connected.
Yesterday I observed at the pool party,
a whole bunch of couple and individuals working out
that question.
There problems seemed a lot different than my own.
Some had arrived that this very sensually open event
with partners, but they were exploring massaging
and healing others. Most of the people there were
clothesless. It was a perfect Eden-like space before the Fall.
The rules here here--clothes optional--
and the preference was clothes off.
There was definitely openness.
I got a chance to witness at close range
the inner dialogue expressed as partners
shared open hearted feelings with others who were
not there partners.
One man had a recent motorcycle accident
and two healers--one a man and one a women
where both doing deep work as a team on him.
He would vibrate as he received releases of energy between
the male and female polarity.
One woman was a Tantra open hearted woman
who appeared to be a love sponge that day.
She was in the hot tub more than she was out
and the variety of partners in the tub kept shifting.
I was in there myself. One woman was massaging my foot
and four other men were massaging various body parts
of the Love Sponge who was very demonstrative and expressive.
It was all very delightful and innocent.
At one point Serina and her husband were massaging
her on a massage table, and I came into the the healing trio
and did some deep work on her neck and head.
She had the most beautiful head of red hair, very healthy.
she worked part time in the corporate world, and the other
part of her life was a dancer, who enjoyed tantra.
At one point, later She and the man who had the motorcyle accident
were embracing on the table and verbalizing their deep feelings and
discomfort zones about how both their partners--both at the party--
would be feeling about this.
All were working with claiming and exploring their own feelings
through working with boundaries and freedom.
The partner of the man on the table was in relationship with
a woman who I admire and is an old ally.
She was wanting to leave and go on to a Poly Amory discussion
at another venue.
I touched her shoulders. She was tight as a board.
I started to feel around on her back. She was clothed.
I hit a hotspot and she could feel nerve pain in her neck.
I asked her to sit down. I started to give her the healing energy
that was stored up in me, that I would have wanted to give
to Soul Mate if there had been any opportunity for that.
I was feeling sad that there was not, even though I was within
driving distance.
I went into a channelling mode and completely rearranged the reality
of the woman who I was working with. I worked on her for about
15 minutes, mainly her upper back and neck and head.
She went off into another world as well. She loosened up completely.
I lot of her pain went away.
Then all four of us were standing together, and she said some
very complementarty things about me in front of the Love Sponge
and her partner....something about how the I had been doing
male-female healing work before the world Tantra had become popular
in the community. She said something like, the word was stolen from me...
metaphorically.
This was all news to me. I was amazed to hear how she perceived me
and some of my work. I do not hold on to it that much.
The man who was causing the sparks to fly out of the body of the hurt
one later worked on me. His partner was working on someone else
for hours on the couch.
It is all about freedom to express healing energies and not about
sexual arousal. Yes, Virginia that is possible, even when there
are a roomfull of people here and there without clothes in this or that
pool, tub, or place.
I did real well with my own eating.
On the way out, I was feeling frustrated that I had not connected
with my Soul Mate that day.
I kept thinking if only I were allowed to get close, the healing
energy that was pouring through me that day could have gone to her.
I was not thinking in terms of sex.
I was frustrated because I had called her around sevenish
and I could have gone to visit, but it she had already been out
that day and used up her energy. She was also wary that I would
have wanted to stay over and this was not what she wanted.
I accepted that, but the frustration was this deeper feeling that
if she were open she would not be sick in the first place.
I had this vision, we were both before God and no longer had
bodies. God asked her, so why did you resist so much?
I gave you the perfect love who, even with all his flaws,
was there to love you in every way you needed.
Why did you suffer so? Why did it take you so long to let love in?
IT is of no matter.
I am committed to her.
I feel I have signed up for the program
and the program is what will I learn from this.
She is the instrument of my learning
and aside from all her fears of whatever sort,
she is love and I will continue to hold that space that
allows continues to express that love with me when
she feels to do so.
I was also imagining what would it be like if she were at that party.
How would I feel if she felt open to allow others to touch her?
I am sure I would be plugged in, until I no longer was not.
The key is...could I communicate?
Could I be open enough, as these couples were
to find a way to express what had to be said???
That was also my frustration.
What would Soul Mate really have to said
if she were open.
Could I find the courage to express without fear of
abandonment?
This are the issues I am grateful to be expressing here.
I know she will likely read this.
It is a risk. She may in some way be challenged by what
I am writing, but such is The Real Game.
Much Love Always to Her and to you
I feel I have expressed what I have to say
and that is inherently healing.
Your Enchanted Gardener,
Leslie
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