I wish I didnt have to deal with this
The things I want are within my reach if only I step out
Date: 3/6/2012 8:32:48 AM ( 9 y ) ... viewed 6235 times
For the past 6 yrs I have been battling a delusion. It causes me shame to admit but I though I may smell. I thought I would go out and people would make fun of me. So I didnt go out. I didnt even let the people I live with see me.
I was so afraid of what they may smell that I would just lock myself in my room. I would only come out at night when everyone was sleeping. My father would leave my food at my door and thats how I ate. I would urinate in a jar and clean it at night. I know it sounds pathetic but that was the life I lead for 6 yrs.
I missed 6 yrs for nothing. Because of my stupid delusion. I couldnt get help because I wasnt open to it. Then in Oct I commited suicide. I passed out and my dad called the ambulance. Thats when everything started changing.
They were so sweet to me in the hospital. I even met a friend. We never stayed in contact. I never even spoke to her but she spoke to me every chance she got. I guess she saw something in me. I dont know.
Since then I was put on Geodon, paxil, and lomictal. Its brought me a long way from where I was. I can now get my own food and go to the bathroom when I want in the bathroom. I socialize when I get the chance and I'm always around my family.
The thing is when I go out I get a warm reception. Its nothing like I imagined it would be. I thought people would make fun of me or have all these bad reactions but they didnt. It was the exact opposite. They would stand close to me. Children would be around me and wouldnt say a thing. I even would get checked out. But the thoughts still there. With all the evidence I've gotten(i even went out without taking a bath to see if I would get reactions and didnt) I still have the thought there. What if it was a fluke.
I just wish the thought and resulting anxiety would go away. I've come a long way in these 4 months and I know I can get further in time. I just want it to happen faster. I hate anxiety. I wish I was just confident like everyone else. But I'm not. I need to find myself. I know people accept me. I just need to learn to accept myself.
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