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Long Year so far
eating disorder, fasting, weight loss
Date: 4/17/2010 3:12:50 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 46033 times Well, in my attempts to fast and even just release the weight I regained, I have failed. I am maintaining a weight of 115-118 whereas I was 110-113. I have gained about five pounds. I am okay with it, but then I'm not. I feel unsettled in my body to the point that it's challenging for me to write about. I often times wonder will this ever end? Of course, I believe that it will. I once had stomach problems so bad that I was wasting away and could hardly eat and I remember sitting on the porch of my friend's house one december evening, wondering, will this ever end? I think that it will. It's just really hard because all of the systems in my body are intertwined and connected and creating this dynamic. I have an over-active nervous system and I often times feel weak in my second chakra kidney/adrenal area. I often times feel this as an emptiness behind my eyes and I have small indents under my eyes which I think is related to my kidneys. I feel very much hopeful for my life. I have always felt that I would have a beautiful life. But, not only is this going on, but I am in graduate school to become a psychotherapist which I know I'll be great at, but I do not want that to become my main source of income. I want my main source of income to be sitting in my bank account. i also really really want a home. In fact, I live in this house, and I wish I could set a deal with my family that this house could be mine.
I wonder sometimes about my relationship. I feel that the chemistry of sexuality has died due to his disconnect with his own sexuality. I sometimes think of talking to other men and talk to them but never do anything with them. I love my boyfriend but fear that he is holding me back in life. I fear that I am doing everything wrong. I feel sometimes that maybe there is a fate of mine and yet I am straying off path right now. But I don't know how to get back on track and I dont know what the track is. It's really really hard.
I feel that I am also somewhat addicted to worrying.
I hope for my healing of my body and eating disorder.
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