Identity Crisis Weekend by Avocadess Blog entry

Blog: My Raw Life
by Avocadess

Identity Crisis Weekend

About my adventures attempting to stick to all-raw beegan diet during a major family-reunion-style celebration this weekend

Date: 1/18/2010 12:57:44 AM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 3354 times

Oy vay!

I know I am making progress and inroads, but my gosh, what a wildly uncontrollable weekend I experienced with the foods...!

I had had it all planned out, I took durian with me, I took my own version of Deradune Tribal Mix for snacking and mealing on at any time (cacao nibs, goji berries, bee pollen, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, bee pollen, a few raisins and a little Celtic sea salt), and I took my own version of Chia Seed Porridge (can't remember all ingredients but it is a non-sweet porridge with cacao and chia and goji berries and maca and a couple things I cannot remember at the moment) that I was going to have anytime I wanted something as a breakfast porridge or any time of day.

I had my water.

I had my Adya Clarity.

And thank goodness (re the water and the Adya Clarity!!)

HOWEVER, things just did not go as planned. This was a 100th Birthday Party with friends and relative-types from all over the country, all ages, most of the people incredibly nice and fun -- great group -- mass confusion however, and I was of course the ONLY raw foodie there.

First big meeting was with a crowd of somewhere between 60-100 non-raw-foodists at the "birthday girl's" favorite Mexican restaurant. My first big mistake was that I left my food that I had brought with me behind at the place we were sleeping because I thought, "Oh, Mexican, no problem, I love avocados and guacamole!"

Not the best judgment call ever!

Turned out the restaurant really wanted our business so they did not send us away even though we were more than they could handle. We ended up waiting at least an hour before we even got to order. During our wait the waiters were bringing people their drink orders (at least I did remember to bring my water, phew!!) and gratis chips and red and green salsas while we waited to order.

My friend Cecile kept remarking how good the green salsa was and soon I was really wanting to try it, telling myself that once my salad order came I would dip my lettuce into it to check it out. I watched others eat and empty baskets of chips for about 45 minutes before I lost my resolve and began eating the chips, dipping them into that green and red sauce (which was quite tasty).

And of course it was still another hour-plus after I began gingerly eating some X-rated food, thinking I would just have a few before our orders came. In the end I certainly had more than a snack's worth of those X's...!

I felt I had betrayed myself. I felt somewhat demolished in my own eyes. I felt disappointed -- yet I was enjoying the company and didn't let it get to me too much, telling myself that "tomorrow I will remember my food and durian and get back on track!!"

Well, the next day came and most of the folks there were relatives of my son's godfather's mother (who was the one having her 100th Birthday!!) so it was a lot like being at a family reunion the next day. My son and I are kind of unofficial family there and like a lot of families mostly the women are helping out in the kitchen to put out all the special foods for the Big Celebration.

I was given the job of juicing the limes first. That was great. No problems there. Then a little later I was given the job of helping make the hors d'oeuvres that included what I will simply call X-rated foods. This is a good habit I think when we confess about foods we "slipped" and ate –- because the nature of the mind is such that if Sally or Fred tell me exactly what X-rated food they ate last week then this week when I am tempted by the very same X-rated food it actually makes it even HARDER to resist the temptation, as my little devil on my shoulder whispers, "Oh, Sally and Fred had that last week and you KNOW you want it." So, to be fair to you, Dear Reader, I shall not give the juicy (or dry or gory) details of my food slippages unless there is a reason I feel I need to make a more specific point that might be helpful about a certain X-rated food (such as mentioning constipation after eating cheese for instance, haha).

Back to my story and the hor d'oeuvres (a French word pronounced "or-DERVS" – or at least, that is how I have learned to pronounce it). And then tasting. And then tasting again. Third or fourth taste and a part of me falls down the slide, not even hanging on anymore – although I DID manage to veer away from the XX and XXX-rated (i.e., the foods least desirable to eat, however tasty they may be) foods for the most part. No. No great victories there, but I can certainly say that had I eaten just anything that appealed to my meat-and-dairy-and-junk-foodaholic insensibilities I daresay I would have eaten 5 to 10 times "worse" and also eaten more!!

Not that I found much comfort in that. I was by now hitting on a serious identity crisis. I felt I was failing myself and everything I believe in – and felt that old vertigo about the whole situation I have felt most of my life. I felt so HELPLESS. I did the only thing I could figure out to do: I asked my son to drive me across town to another friend's house where I could stay away from the barbecue that lay ahead for that evening. I felt some dam had broken inside of me and the only why I could resist the XXX-rated food was to simple not BE there. I had to give up a lot in a way – because it meant I missed about 5 hours of the party, and some of those there are dear loved ones I only get to see once or twice a year. But I knew I needed to do it. I just had to get away. He drove me over to Dixie's house and there Dixie invited me to join her and her boyfriend for dinner. They are not raw foodists either but good old friends.

Anyhow, I just explained to Dixie that I was having an identity crisis and feeling too vulnerable to foods and that I would love to visit with them but only AFTER they ate. It was her house we were sleeping over at, and I just hermitaged myself in the bedroom for the evening and didn't eat a thing and cogitated on my situation. Finally about 9:30 at night my son came and took me back t0 100th Birthday Party Headquarters. People were done eating, but the buffet was still out. And I did partake of X-rated food, but I'm happy to say it was much, much less than I would have had I been there when everyone was eating!!

Oh woe is me, I felt, once in bed a few hours later, trying to take stock of the situation and formulate a plan of action. Looking back on the past 20 years in which I have continued to struggle, on and off – and with varying levels of success – to get, be and STAY all or mostly all raw. And I realized a few things.

One question I asked myself was how in the world can I help others who are becoming Superheroes and Superheroines when I am so imperfect? How can I be of benefit to David "Avocado" Wolfe and his Mission when I cannot honestly say I will ever be as perfect with eating and drinking at he is? I don't even know if I will ever be able to handle jumping in a cold spring – and he does it ALL THE TIME...! This was more than an identity crisis. It was like a Mission Crisis. Because I really DO feel that it IS my mission to help others who are approaching and learning live food and sustainable lifestyles.

I feel that the world in which we live is SO MUCH like that move THE MATRIX. But that there is one part of that movie where they missed a whole incredible and huge part of the story. Keanu Reeves took the Pill that would take him down the Rabbit Hole and joined those whose mission was to propagate true freedom and help others to understand and learn the ropes. But in the movie it was just a quick and trippy jump down the hole and next thing he knew they were eating unappetizing food.

For us, in the REAL story of the Matrix, every inch we go down that Rabbit Hole is a conscious choice with awareness and learning. There is no simple choice between two different colors of pills. That is pharmaceutical thinking. (But it worked for the movie.) But in REAL LIFE it is opening up and learning and experimenting and experiencing, cleansing, tasting, eating, drinking, sharing or even fasting. There is more than just the food. There is sun gazing, there is gardening, rethinking our carbon footprints, finding springs and so much more. And the food we eat is NOT unappetizing mush like in the movie (well, at least not most of the time, hahaha). However to those who have NOT gone down the Rabbit Hole and are sitting across from us at the table, to THEM our food may seem unappetizing. Yes. And sometimes even to ourselves – when we are out of sorts or feeling tempted by the X-rated foods that we learn more and more seem to have been created by and for slaves and not free spirits.

To me, the "fight" in real life is not the fight they had in the movie after the Rabbit Hole experience. To me, it's ALL ABOUT THE RABBIT HOLE. And I feel that my own mission is simply to be someone who continues to progress down that rabbit hole and has been doing so for a long time and who makes or has made so many mistakes that for those who can relate to them it helps them to know I'm that way and I'm still benefiting and I'm progressing and I'm not perfect either.

I guess I have to say the main things I learned this weekend are: When I'm feeling weak towards the food, I am sometimes going to feel happier simply leaving the scenario for a while, even if that means giving up some time with people I love. I will still get to see them. I do not HAVE to see them while they are eating. And another thing I learned is that I don't need to freak out and worry. I'm hanging in there. I'm never giving up. Because that is the only REAL failure, is giving up.

Wishing you the Best Week EVER...!

Avocadess / Michele