night before

fastin

Date:   12/9/2008 10:03:01 PM   ( 16 y ) ... viewed 2365 times

For the past almost 6 years i have been a depressed, sad, lonely and fat girl...in the past year i am seeing the severe effects that it has had on my marriage, on my kids and on my life. I have no self-esteem. I have been so depressed that i will cry while watching a silly cartoon with my boys! There are many, many things that have happened in the past years that have contributed to me ending up this way...i can't really blame anyone else that i have gotten to this point. I have not respected myself enough to allow me to be happy and do things that make me happy. I don't know if this comes from my mom never respecting herself and allowing herself to be happy. but i still can't blame anyone else but me. I got to a breaking point two nights ago. I was crying and screaming at God asking what the hell I did to deserve how I have been treated by family and friends...why nothing in my life has gone the way I wanted. I can't believe how crazy and out of control i was feeling while i was yelling and telling him what I thought of him! I realize that i have tried and blogged before about this...but if I don't do this now, im so afraid that I won't make it. I might go insane, or have a heart attack because i have chest pain every time something else happens. I NEED and am so READY to make this change.
I am planning on doing a 40 day water fast with some exercise. But also I am panning on reading some inspirational books and going to a therapist to work through all of my issues. Tomorrow is day 1. pray for me and all of the encouragement that you can give me is appreciated! All my love...-A

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