Random words about my life and struggles with my weight.
Date: 3/2/2008 11:14:56 AM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 2699 times
Well, I love to write and express myself and one day I would like to write a book or write for a magazine, so I figure that writing on here could really help me feel like I am creatively expressing myself (at least a little!).
I have all my life been a very serious person, but just recently have been working on having a better sense of humor. My teacher in school was talking about how we have this dichotomy of people who are "deep and serious" vs. people who are "stupid and funny" and he said that we need to work to combine both of these.
There are a lot of things that I believe about reality that would not be backed by science, which makes it difficult for my logical mind to believe them. For example, I have struggled with some health problems such as fatigue, constipation, adrenal issues, kidney issues, leg cramps, etc... and I KNOW in my heart that all of these issues arise because of the way that I react to life with my emotions. So, therefore they are mostly just emotional things that have shown up in my physical body. I have also found that if I stay grounded, it is really easy for me to not have any of these problems. I weigh 133.4 today and I have struggled with my weight all of my life. I have been everywhere from 88 to 142lbs. Crazy huh? I am 5'2''. I want to weigh about 110 to 115. I have tried fasting and candida cleansing, etc, but whenever I diet and focus so much on my weight, I always end up overeating.
My teacher also told us a story about a Zen monk. A man came to him one day and said "I want to be just like you, teach me how to be as peaceful as you."
So, the monk sent him and said "Go away for 48 hours and meditate, but do not think about monkeys." The man said "Okay, this is all I have to do to be like you?" and the zen monk said "yes." So the man went away, but the harder he tried to not think about monkeys, the more he thought about monkeys! This is true in every aspect of our lives. If we dislike something or we want to change something, we tend to focus on the negative of it as much as we dont want to. Example: losing weight. The whole focus in weight loss is focused on how fat a person is and as much as they dont want to think about food because they are fat, the only thing they want is food!
Lately, I have been feeling pretty sexually frustrated. I am not a person who will just go out and have sex with anyone and I am not completely emotionally or mentally stable so I have not had a boyfriend for quite a while now. The few guys that I want to have sex with are completely unavailable sexually. The guy that I love was raped when he was very young, so now, it is impossible for him to get close to anyone. It is as though he denies his body of all true pleasure and he just exists without feeling very much because that is safe for him. When I realized this last night, I got really really sad and I felt totally alone. It reminds me of how I felt when I grew up with my mother. I was always present and feeling a lot about life, but she did something very similar and turned off her ability to really really feel life.
It is frustrating to be the only one that is present.
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