Day 2... stream of consciousness
Stream of consciousness about day 2 of fasting.
Date: 11/29/2007 6:07:21 PM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 3425 times
So, today is Day 2. I think I probably will cut back on the coffee for the rest of this fast, because I actually want my body to have time to heal. I also smoked a little pot last night and this afternoon (just now!)... I think the coffee is harder on my system than the marijuana. I did everything I needed to do for school this week, now tomorrow I have one more thing I have to do. I was watching older videos of myself last night and it was bothering me to see myself when I was heavier than when I was thinner. I didn't like the way I look at all, but I also realized that I really, really have issues with focusing on my weight rather than what is really eating away at me. I am always eating and getting pissed at myself and then exercising, it is so obviously a great distraction to get me away from how I really feel.
Anyway, the things I stress about the most are school, money, my weight, and relationships, about in that order. I just feel overwhelmed so often, about things that arent even a big deal. I remember when I was 15 years old (I was in weight watchers) and this guy told me that since I was in high school, I should enjoy it because I really had nothing to worry about, no bills, no job, etc. But it didnt matter because I was still worried and scared. I still am, even more so now because I am scared of an etheric thought form now. I am scared of the future. Because ever since I was raped, I just feel fear all the time. I am so scared that someone is going to walk in the door and just decide that they want to rape me. I think I still have PTSD from the time I was raped. For one year after I was raped, I didn't have sex at all. Then, I started having sex again and I was completely overlysexualized. It is weird how sexual abuse can do that to us. I have peanut butter in the fridge and I want some, but what I know my body wants more than anything is to go running because it will release all of my fears and stretch out my muscles, and oxygenate my body. It just makes me feel great to do it. I swear to God, I VOW to myself that by Christmas I will be under 120 pounds. Its 11.29 right now and after school, I weighed 133.2. That means about 13.4 pounds to go and I will be under 120.
There is a definite fear in me about releasing weight. Plus, I feel so happy at school because even though I dont like what I am learning about, I love being around people and I want so badly to be around people again. I want to be around people all the time. That would be like heaven to me.
Being at home is when I am most likely to binge eat because I get lonely and scared. It is so much easier to eat a lot when I am home alone.
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