Getting off the rollercoaster ride! Description

My journey…
At the lively age of seventeen I headed off to another part of the world for one year. A healthy happy young woman ready to explore the world.
Who knew that I would get off the plane one year later greeting my family with not only stories from across the globe but also with the dreaded illness of anorexia.
Off to uni I went and things only got worst with no one to watch what I was, and was not eating, I became a 175cm frame stick who went shopping in the children’s section.
Constantly dizzy and weak, I also became lonely as I knew that when people get together they eat, and that was my biggest fear. I had a lie for everything. My family couldn’t do anything, yes you are weak but there is a force inside you that is stronger then anything and anyone around you. Constantly thinking of food but not eating anything. I went on like this until I realised I would fail my university degree if I did no have the energy to stay awake and study.
That is when anorexia’s friend bulimia stepped in and took over.
My social life stopped… I became a prisoner to my room, I would not eat in front of anyone but would hide away and it was those moments when I would eat more then I could ever imagine. To the point where I was crying and hurting from fullness, only to then run to the toilet and bring it all back up again… a painful cycle I will never understand.
One year later I’m now on another part f the ride, I weigh more then I did when I left for going over seas. I can no longer ‘not’ eat, I can no longer purge, and I have no relationship or control over food. The doctor’s call it BED, binge eating disorder. I call it a never ending roller coaster ride that I am begging to jump off.
I have lost the beautiful connection with life that I see others around me enjoying. I would love to talk to my mum about something other then health and I hate seeing her worry…
Seeing a counselor has helped a little but I realise that there is no one that can stop this vicious cycle but me.
This is the first time I have let everything out to people other then my counselor.
The reason being I always feel that my problem is nothing compared to what’s going on in the rest on the world.
I have a generous soul, I have always had a dream to travel, volunteer and give back… but I know that I must rid myself of all this self doubt and issues, before I can really reach out and help others.

I have watched this forum for many years now, at all different stages of my ride.
I would look here to find weight loss tips when I was at my thinnest, and would search through the forums to find others with the same problem.

I don’t know who I am anymore?? My emotions connect straight to food and I feel at times I have no say into what goes on within my body??

So this is it with the ok from my counselor I’m taking away the source that has taken over for so many years. Tomorrow is a new day…. I’m strong, willing, I have a belief that my life is not meant to be like this… I believe that anything is possible… it is!

There will be no measurements, no weigh ins..
I’m beyond the point of looking at numbers I have done that religiously for too many years, it’s all about me now the ‘me inside’. I want to feel it! Just me, my mind, my body and soul and of course the precious water
I have a goal of 21 days. Followed by a long juice fast, but I will not get a head of my self.
If you feel like joining me please do, but otherwise any support would be really appreciated. It is only now that I have got to this point that I realise that when people come on here to tell you their story they are reaching out for help, many are here to change their life. And a couple words from a stranger may be all they need to help them along on their journey. I wish everyone the best of luck in reaching their own goals, be strong… I will keep you all up dated on who things are going.
xx lilly