I need any kind of help possible. I think that God is showing me that I can die from this. I am starting to feel better today after drinking juice and taking a lot of vitamins yesterday, but man, I was so scared. One day I woke up and thought I was having a heart attack. I know it is possible even at 31 because my dad had his first one and die at age 54. He didn't show any signs and it just happened. I would say that the heavy drinking most of his life caused it.

I am a health conscious person and know what the alcohol is doing to me but I never had any sign like this before. I guess after 31 years of living and never having any major problems I thought it couldn't happen to me. It is a wake up call for me and I can't say that its a good thing, but in a weird way, I think it may be good for me in the long run. I found how long it was going to take of heavy drinking to finally catch up to me and it was 16 years worth.

I have a 5 year old daughter and it makes me so mad that I have gone this far with alcohol. Only an alcoholic knows what I am going through and knows what it's like to actually love alcohol first before anything else. It is a horrible sickness and I look at so many college kids drinking how I was and know that it is going to be hard for some of them like it has been for me. I never wanted to accept that it controlled me up until a few years ago, but I will definately say it has.

I remember putting so much tequilla in my mouth before I swallowed it and having my mouth turn raw and burn. I would drink that down and then have the whole bottle to go. It is amazing that the insides of our bodies can even handle it 1 time. I always drank until the bottle was gone or I ran out of money. It was nothing for me to drink a hundred dollars a week of alcohol when I was 21 years old. I would wake up and not even want to remember what happened the night before. That life sucks so bad and I still do that at least 1 time ever 2 months. I have to drink until I black out because I am feeding a monster that doesn't care for me. That scares me to death. I really hate it when people say you just need to grow up and stop. I have done that a thousand times and then drank the next day. My head must be so foggy that it is just normal to me. I know when I did my juice fast I was drinking alcohol about ever 5 days and in 3 days my head would clear up and I would feel so much smarter.

I want to experience real life. I see that my 5 year old daughter is what its all about and it hurts me so bad to know what I have done and am doing to her. My father did it to 9 of us kids. It seems like there are some people that see this in their family members and it gives them strength to not drink. With alcohol, it easily knocks a screw loose and you forget all about that. Like I said I have been through rehab clinics and have gotten a lot of help in the past that I didn't let help me, but maybe I'm ready now. It's looking like there isn't much choice for me. It doesn't matter how much you know about alcohol, it doesn't discriminate against anyone anyway. I once asked my ex girlfriend that was a nurse how bad an alcoholic death was. She told me it's not as bad as a smokers. I actually got some comfort with her telling me that. If that isn't the mind of a sick person then I don't know what is.

I do belive in the power of prayer. I was once very very suicidal and prayer for years over it. It took many years for God to answer my prayer, but it was my daughter being born. Just like that every single bit of that suicidal tendency was gone. I pray daily about my addiction and know that God is going to come through. When you battle it in your head and all you can hear is stuff like, "maybe God wants you to do it on your own", it doesn't help much. I thought like that for a long time. Now I know that, yes it does take a lot of will power, but without him it doesn't mean anything anyway, so I'll definitely keep prayers in the equation.

It's 5:18 in the morning and I had a salad while ago and it's making me feel better. I really feel good about this blog helping me. I am getting something from this site that I haven't gotten anywhere else. I guess its the fast and easy exchange of information. I know there are a lot of people on here that have gone through this same ordeal. Alcohol has been a very shameful road, but I can't hide under a bottle anymore. I have 2 years left of college and have the potential to do something else than drink my life away. I hope one day I can be on the other side of the screen reading this and helping someone like me.