- Post for Thursday. Sept. 13, 2007: Planning 60Hour Fast by lauray
17 y
2,717 2 Messages Shown
Blog: Lauray
I would like to make a longer fast.
I am sitting here after class has ended. i have eaten "sugar-free" frozen yogurt today. I expected severe depression but got just moderate panic/depression. my therapist went away today for a long weekend. She didn't say where.
I am supposed to go rock climbing and I am scared. I hurt the guy's felings that I am supposed to go with cause I said at first I wanted to go sat and sun but realized i would have to fight for my right to fast during that time (it would not have been dangerous)... and even now it will be hard to conceal my fasting.. spending al day sunday climbing even not going sat. like I have now arranged.
THE HARD SCARY THING IS THAT I ATE THAT FROYO AND I COULD NOT STOP MYSELF FROM DOING IT EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS ME EVERY TIME.
I feel bored and scared. i do not feel compulsed but I feel o n the edge of being compulsed. I am sort of terrified. I am lost.
I have finished all my calories for the day and have moreover had a day of lenient "dishonest" calorie counting -- I have
I have so much practicing and homework to do and need to do it and am so lonely and have to go home and go to bed.
I was going to wait up til midnight to sleep and then
I AM SCARED HOW THE FOOD IS JUST SO TOTALLY BEYOND MY CONTROL AND YET I AM NOT WILLING TO ADHERE TO THE FOOD RULES THAT WOUD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH BETTER
I AM SCARED AND WISH I COULD TALK HONESTLY AND OPENLY TO SOMEBODY WHO WOULD JUST ACCEPTINGLY LISTEN BUT I CANNOT AND I AM TERRIFIED
I will not wait up until midnight and then go eat to violate myself and feelings... at midnight you see it would be tomorrow... and I would be entitaled to
I know I have to fast. The fast will lift me OUT of this state of craving and always wanting to slam myself and get high on food.
In being banished from the water fast forum and forced to only write in the blog here I am so isolated... not that I got good comments from them.. and I know people read this -- they just leave no sign that they do. I wish people would email me like before. Some of te emais I got were good
I am just so scared I am not willing to be sober.... Maybe I do not have to sweat it -- just fast.
Because I iwll never have the easy willingness to be sober as long as I am toxic and the way t o detox is to fast... btu is this oversimplifying and denying the danger of these toxic foods I have been slipping into?
WHERE DO I GET BACK MY MOTIVATION TO
AS SOON AS I THINK I CAN GET AWAY WITH NON-SOBRIETY I JUST GO OUT AND SLAM THE FOOD.
BUT I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF IT AND IT IS TERRIFYING
OK I WILL NOT say up till midnight and then go slam... I will just go hoem and go to bed... fine.... WHAT is teh way to control the food?????????
Maybe I need just to get myself to overeaters anonymous but they are such a**holes sorry vulgar but here is the thing. Ok. I NEED to refrain from eating. I express this vehemently. instead of supporting me people scream at me and when they do this they are effectively screaming that I deserve the rape violation humiliation of the compulsive overeating.... here: i am in a bind because the only emotionally appropriate thing for me to say to other human beings is: "i iwll never eat again." This is because they refuse to support me to refrain from eating as i see fit to do so. This is a horror-experience for me . Then people abandon an condemn me because I have said the emotionally appropriate thing -- "I will never eat again."
The real point s for me to fast.
I know this is making not very clear sense.
The challenge is for me to motiavate myself to fast.
I am scared. I think one of my posts was erased. I asked for support to be positive about fasting.
So -- the way I have been motivating myself in life to fast so far is to sit there and eat a huge meal and get that high and be "set" for a while and let that launch me into the fast.
I think I need to bring out and enliven my real motivation for fasting. I think I need to get in touch with my reasons for fasting. i think I need to be ultra-serious about this. OK.
i wish I were not scared to assert myself by fasting this weekend in this rock climbing trip. i am totally frustrated. i had the opportunity to go 2 days and I cut it
OK!!! FASTING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE. IT IS WHAT WILL HEAL ME AND BRING ORDER AND LOVE AND FUNCTIONALITY AND HEALTH TO ME.
EVERYTHING I DO MUST BE TO SUPPORT FASTING
I HAVE GOT TO BE POSITIVE AND ACTUALLY CARE FOR MY BODY
I RESIST CARING FOR MY BODY. I AM ANGRY AND JSUT WANT TO SLAM FOOD -- TRIGGERING FOOD -- BINGE -- AND HURT MYSELF.
WHEN I THINK OF GOING WITHOUT THIS FOOD HIGH I FEEL SICK AND HORRIBLY DEPRIVED.
OK AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT TO DO ... I KNOW I NEED TO MAKE FASTING MY FIRST PRIORITY... IF THIS MEANS SACRIFICING MY ROCK CLIMBING RELATIONSHIP THEN SO BE IT -- AND TAHT GUY WAS SUCH A NOT-NICE PERSON ANYWAY -- HUMORLESS AND SELF-CENTERED -- AND SO IT IS NOT EVEN REALLY ANY LOSS. AT ALL.
THE TROUBLE IS THEN I AM SO LONELY AND FASTING GETS REALLY HARD. WHAT IS THE SOLUTION??????
Well --- I know I iwll fast 60 hours this weekend. When will it be???.... I am so scared -- it seems I will have to fast during Sunday -- this is unavoidable. And that is the rock climbing day. HOW am I supposed to do this??? How am I supposed to assert to this not-nie person who will probably throw some sort of fit and be really prejudiced against fasting and refuse to be with me if i do not violate myself with food.
How will I manage to fast? God, it is hard to get the willlingness... No -- I think I have the willlingness... it is hard to assert my fast. That is what is hard. It is hard to ay, yes, I am fasting today, and it is safe and fine, and so okay.
Now, how can I do this? Oka. Suppose I begin my fast tomorrow morning -- Friday. Then the break of fast will be Sunday evening.
I meant to begn my fast today. But I was compulsed to eat the remainder of my cals. (the dishonest fake remainder -- I certainly had no real cals. remaining... I just used certain dishonesties that have proved manageable in the past... not counting huge cups of artificially w=sweetened tea with milk and even half&half -- half-cups of it -- as having any calories, for instance. At least it was herbal tea nad I did not augment my suffering with caffeine. Even the caffeine in decaf hurts m so badly. Bowel spasm, depression, panic attack. It hurts so badly.
HOW do i get my willingness? -- the best technique
--PRAY. I am praying right now. My entry here is a prayere. i am talking to my higher power.
God, i cannot make myself want to be sober. I cannot want to abstain from triggering food. I cannot want to eat just moderately when I do eat. I canot want to wait until my body is ready, to eat. I cannot fast. ...
Well, I know that these unwilllingnesses are the result of merely being toxic. That as son as I am alkaline I will be better and willing to be sober.
Why am I sabotaing my fast by schduling rock climbing during it?? -- Becasue it is not a problem, that is why! But the problem is -- this not-nice guy will think it IS a problem! And to be scrutinized that way -- that violating way -- "have YOU EATEN???? HUNH????? I'M-UNNA F*CK YOU WITH FOOD!!! I'M -UNNA FORSE YOU TO EAT SOMETHING!!!! I'M-UNNA FORSE EWE TA EET!!!!!" - This is the dominator, the abuser, the rapist that screams down on me, bears down on my and forcs me not to fast when what I need most in life is fasting.
So: Conclusions. Okay. What I need is to (1) make fasting my first priority. (2) somehos motivat myself to fast. (3) make food sobriety my first priority and use the principle of substitution to clean up my diet and thus make fastin easier and my body less toxic even when I am not fasting.
I HAVE refrained from actually bloating myself -- for a couple of days now. But in the ha=bad wron way: by eating MORE damaging, processed food, that doesn't bloa only because it beats up the bodya and makes the body unable even to resist my eating. I should not be eating at all, and this is what the blaoting is clearly telling me.
I have got to get this right. i have got to make my life right. i have got to get seriuos and get support.
I need a forum in which I can commit to abstaining from all triggering fooda t any cost... and yet here I am plannign another froyo for tomorrow. Tentatively. Let me see if I can substitute something natural, and preferably raw.
I canot believe I ate taht today. Andyet I am sitting here planning it for tomorrow. But what can I substitute.
And most important how can I fast. Ok. I can jsut tell this climbin guy: I eat really infrequently. This has been my pattern since childhood. So get the f*ck off me.
Fine. But I still dontfeel able to begin this fast tomorrow.
This is hard since I am going to want to get up tomorrow and force rape stuff myself withthe 950 cal meal to begin the fast -- the same as I did this a.m. Later merely having 250 cals. more (dishonestly counted) today.
I feel too tired and tender to begin fasting . Yet t is so urgent taht I fast and that I get detoxed and get free from the horror compulsions to slam the food and use triggering food.
someitmes you are so toxic that you just are willing to stop the toxic food. i am sort of in that state. I am sort of willing to go for fresh fruit tomorrow. But that will bloat me so badly. What am I supposed to do??? I have spent so much money I have ruined myself.
|
|
|
lauray
|
|
- choices by 5754
17 y
1,693
Hi I have been following your posts for several weeks now...I am sorry that your life is so painful and confusing to you. I think that you have a fair amount of animosity and lack of trust...it must be a horrible place to be. I understand that you are frightened.It seem s like you always expect the worst...like the rock climbing on Sunday. How do you know this guy won't be supportive?Also,if this is a "not Nice "guy why are you going with him at all?Why waste your precious energy like that? It seems like you are lonely and maybe that is the reason...but you need to be comfortable with yourself...why are you so down on yourself?what happened that made you like this?I think that people genuinely tried to help you and you became defensive...that is very telling.You want help...start to accept it.Relationships are about give and take,learning from each other,nurturing a friendship,trusting and truly caring about someone else...putting someone else before yourself.I am praying for you...it has worked for me.Sometimes"we are what we pretend to be."Somedays I have to "pretend" to be happy...the positive vibe alwys brings back positivity and good will...I ens up with a measure of peace and happiness.There has to be a willingness to change. You have identified your problems,your pain...are you willing to make the next move...CHANGE.It is scary and unknown but you have a choice be miserable or learn how to be happy...it requires a give and take an openess to suggestion a commitment.It is the summ of small actions and kindnesses throughout a day.At the end of the day is there are more small victories than failures you begin to change. It is a hard but rewarding process. It involves giving people the benefit of the doubt.Be well my friend...it is a choice...YOURS.
Tess
|
|
|
5754
|
|
|
|
CureZone