- committment revisited by ren
18 y
2,817 9 Messages Shown
Blog: Ren's Holistic Fitness and Life Journal
Well I had typed up a long answer to my homework assignment but here it is distilled down into the nut of it. I'm scared sh*tless because going 100% raw will force me to deal with my emotional issues of body image and abuse. I am getting the same feelings I had in Air Force bootcamp. The real military bootcamp started turning up all kinds of emotions and I bolted from my flight(as many female recruits did!). I'm scared of letting go of my comfort foods because I'm afraid I won't have energy to work or clean the house or deal with my family with the wedding coming up. I'm afraid to look good because it brings too many attention to me and thus makes me remember all my abuse. Strangely enough, the only person that can pay unlimited amounts of attention to me and I love it is my fiance. Maybe I'm afraid of gaining back the weight. The last time I gained back the weight I lost was because I met a man on the internet who I thought loved me, when in fact, he just was interested in sex. Hence, I took that as confirmation of my inherent ugliness and descended into a depression over being fat and not a blonde,blue eyed beauty in other words, it's not so much being blonde, it's being pretty enough to attract guys. I don't hate on those girls anymore because they are pretty to look at and I'm not denying any woman their beauty because of my own poor self esteem (I got that from Tony Zavasta's book). I'm showing this homework to my fiance because he supports me in my food habit changes but I've never revealed any of my serious attempts to him OR what I really feel about food.
I see myself standing at the edge of a great abyss. The abyss is a profound mystery and I really want to jump, take that leap of faith. Reminds me of those scenes in movies when someone is standing at the edge of a cliff and their foot barely does anything but knocks some pebbles over. That's what I feel like right now.
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ren
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- say what?? this is a BREAKTHROUGH by ren
18 y
1,114
| I'm crying right now. Crying because I've stumbled onto one of the great undealt with issues in my life. I think I'm going to send Jinjee and Storm a wedding thankyou card for coming out with the movie Breakthrough and also Carlene Jones for opening up rawfoodbootcamp to those of us overweight fat people. I can't believe the degree that using food like drugs has affected my life. Well anyway, I'm just too overcome with emotion right now and I'm just babbling.
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ren
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- ((((( breakthrough hugs))))) by RawGirl
18 y
1,689
You RAWK! Your truth is HOLY!!!! You are screaming the primal scream that truly liberates from oppression and the wounds and scars of the past.
Your tears are holy! Make them count for permanent change! Give yourself lots of love, a healing Epsom Salt bath, lots of rest, and honor this breakthrough!
You are inventing the life you imagine ..... create a beautiful dream, and live it well!
MAKE IT UP AS YOU GO!!!! BREAK ALL THE RULES!!!! ..... Except the precious rules of Mother Nature and the way she draws us back to her with love, giving us the best of the best! Raw, living food to heal us, body and soul. I predict it WILL be the way of the future, as the other path is disease and early death, and the enlightened people everywhere are "getting it".
The victim within us all must die (the one who was abused), and out of the ashes, the beautiful Phoenix of our Immortal Soul rises, strong, powerful, and expressing love and our TRUTH.
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RawGirl
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- Re: ((((( breakthrough hugs))))) by ren
18 y
1,011
| Amen sister! Thanks for the hug. I really need it right now.
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ren
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- Re: Sweetheart,Ren! by YourEnchantedGardener
18 y
1,026
5:32 PM
May 8, 06
From "Rekinding of Faith
one of my books on the shelf
Feb 10, 1985
I mourn the loss of the belly I had
that could schomp down
without penalty to be paid later,
a bagel, a bagel with cream cheese,
a hot buttered bagel, bacon
bacon and scrambled eggs--hot
scrambled by someone else,
in the dorm at college.
All This was available in abundance
trays steaming, I walk down
the line and ate cereal, milk,
cinnamon rolls somewhere in my past.
To that place I travel back to find it no long exists
in my present.
Stones, rocks, I sit down
to a plate of toasted illusions.
Tasty, once out of sight inside me,
they become heavy weighted chaos,
churning acids and alkali,
bits and pieces of rejected experience
my stomach doesn't want.
Midnight malaise, bowel eruption,
blood pain like earthquakes
send a message that says
eat differently,
live for other reasons than eating food.
Feed yourself with other things.
You are not what you were.
© 2006, Leslie Goldman,
Your Enchanted Gardener
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YourEnchantedGardener
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- Re: ((((( breakthrough hugs))))) by YourEnchantedGardener
18 y
983
- You so totally rawk! by Raw_Medic
18 y
1,268
Ren~
I think we're soul sisters! I can relate to everything you wrote. If I could give you a big hug I would...I send this cyber ((((((((((hug))))))))))
Unfortuntaly I know all too well that to tell you how much you are worth the slimness and attention you won't be able to truly believe it. But I'm going to give you this story...
My mom is very thin, she'd like to lose 10lbs...but don't all thin people? Anyway, she's thin and has been my whole life...I've been big since I hit puberty (hormones, but I ate and ate to comfort me when I the weight loss attempts didn't work...if you're gonna do it, DO IT, right?) She was into running as long as I can remember...when I was in high school she started running in races...I always thought this would be so great if I could do this with her. I knew that I was too fat to ever join her...so it remained a dream. Well, when I lost some weight I thought hm...maybe I could start running. So I slowly built up a bit...I still walk/run...but I'm doing better. When I joined RFBC Carlene told me I had to sign up for a 5k..the funny thing was that I didn't tell her about my dream...so I took this as fate and called her and asked what she was running in March (that gave me enough time to really get ready). She told me about one that wasn't a point race (for runner of the year, which she came in 3rd for btw!) and so she said she'd love to run with me. It was a cross country race...through wooded trails and such, it was awesome. I actually got to the start line about a minute late...so I had to really catch up to do what I wanted to do it in. So my mom and I ran/walked together, and her friend ran/walked with us. They talked to each other and I just concentrated on not collapsing and breathing (lol), I had a GREAT time...I passed the finish line well ahead of last. I went home and felt like I was on a high. i realized something...for years I had thought of doing this...it was a dream to me...something unrealistic. Then I had taken this dream, turned it into a goal, and then reality. I had done it. I realized that I could do anything I wanted to, anything I put my mind to. I realized how happy I was to have found raw. Then I realized that I loved myself, that I was proud of myself. It took a bit to figure out what that emotion was...I'd never felt it before. Being proud of myself was the first time I was like...wow...I'm cool! I like myself.
Ren, you're gonna get there. what you just shared was probably very tough for you. And that's the first step. You know what you should do? Come up with a goal...it could be a 5k or something too...something you've wanted to do and haven't...and do it. You probably already are capable...complete one of your goals and see how proud you are of yourself!
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are one cool chick!
Ursula
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Raw_Medic
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CureZone