Ren~
I think we're soul sisters! I can relate to everything you wrote. If I could give you a big hug I would...I send this cyber ((((((((((hug))))))))))

Unfortuntaly I know all too well that to tell you how much you are worth the slimness and attention you won't be able to truly believe it. But I'm going to give you this story...

My mom is very thin, she'd like to lose 10lbs...but don't all thin people? Anyway, she's thin and has been my whole life...I've been big since I hit puberty (hormones, but I ate and ate to comfort me when I the weight loss attempts didn't work...if you're gonna do it, DO IT, right?) She was into running as long as I can remember...when I was in high school she started running in races...I always thought this would be so great if I could do this with her. I knew that I was too fat to ever join her...so it remained a dream. Well, when I lost some weight I thought hm...maybe I could start running. So I slowly built up a bit...I still walk/run...but I'm doing better. When I joined RFBC Carlene told me I had to sign up for a 5k..the funny thing was that I didn't tell her about my dream...so I took this as fate and called her and asked what she was running in March (that gave me enough time to really get ready). She told me about one that wasn't a point race (for runner of the year, which she came in 3rd for btw!) and so she said she'd love to run with me. It was a cross country race...through wooded trails and such, it was awesome. I actually got to the start line about a minute late...so I had to really catch up to do what I wanted to do it in. So my mom and I ran/walked together, and her friend ran/walked with us. They talked to each other and I just concentrated on not collapsing and breathing (lol), I had a GREAT time...I passed the finish line well ahead of last. I went home and felt like I was on a high. i realized something...for years I had thought of doing this...it was a dream to me...something unrealistic. Then I had taken this dream, turned it into a goal, and then reality. I had done it. I realized that I could do anything I wanted to, anything I put my mind to. I realized how happy I was to have found raw. Then I realized that I loved myself, that I was proud of myself. It took a bit to figure out what that emotion was...I'd never felt it before. Being proud of myself was the first time I was like...wow...I'm cool! I like myself.

Ren, you're gonna get there. what you just shared was probably very tough for you. And that's the first step. You know what you should do? Come up with a goal...it could be a 5k or something too...something you've wanted to do and haven't...and do it. You probably already are capable...complete one of your goals and see how proud you are of yourself!

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are one cool chick!

Ursula