- Day 40 of Lengthening Fasts: Day 3 Post 78 H Fast by Lauray
16 y
3,172 2 Messages Shown
Blog: Lauray's New Fasting Day Count
I am scared. I can't write a lot now and have gotten such b.s. on this whole website that it is hard but I am just going to vent or make a gesture at venting.
I got a particularly toxic comment just a few days ago on this blog by someone with toxic fear and mistrust who was screaming at me to go sort of 'turn myself in' like a criminal to my (horribly toxic infantilizing sick humiliating battering) family. Appalling. I just don't even have the time or spirit to refute this b.s. I do notice others on the forum sharing my frustration with what I would characterize as an atmosphere of fear... I want to respond much more seriously and in depth but can't now. I really mean no disrespect but am so frustrated. I really also am in good faith and totally sincere.
Basically I am in the post fast state in which my body terrifyingly refuses food.
I am stuck in the compulsion to use enemas to enable eating. To brign the bloating down.
I have now another FAR FAR better support forum and the people there really know what is going on, unlike here.
So after the fast of 78 hours (no way long enough for my body's liking but I was rigidly compulsed to go stuff at precisely the 78 hour mark)... I have had light eating. I don'e even want to post about it here cause some psycho on water fast forum addressed a new screen name as my old screen name thereby rape annihilating me again =-- thanks a lot -- totally violating me.
day 1 post fast was 910 calories. I had sunflower sprouts for late dinner but before that only cucumbers greens and tomatoes and alfalfa sprouts. Hard to contain myself the first day but ... Day 2 remarkably I actually ate only about 700 calories (goal had been 600 daily for 3 days post fast). day 3 I actually woke up hungry -- that's today. So far only like 300 calories today and it is already dinner "time" not that there ought to be these times when one is subject to this gross raping barbaric expectation to f*ck oneself with food but I use it as a representative term.
Still I have -- probably from eating tomatoes, a trigger food for me, not had a happy colon these past days. Pretty happy -- witness my actual hunger feeling this a.m.! But today I slammed down the tomatoes. The reason: I did believe I needed to hold down the calorie intake. If I ate heavier foods I would be very uncomfortably compulsed to binge and prob. would eat a LOT like 900 cals at once. And then I would have the trauma of having to wait 18 hours after that (at 2 hours per 100 cals) before my body was ready for food again. So I jammed down these 2 pounds of tomatoes (200 calories) thsi a.m. in spite of also sensing the harshness of the tomatoes as a food in the first place. And getting pain in my mouth and gums and head. And I just violently ate through that pain and I do not want to do this so that is why I am writing it here and I so resent that I have to sit here spelling this out to people -- though I ought not to bother at allsince it makes no difference -- they have just started rape annihilating me no matter what I write.
.. the upshot is that now I am bloated, from this today's first-meal 300-cal. (cucumber and) tomato episode and my body doesn't want food and I am compulsed to eat and terrrified that my body will never accept food... and I cannot write about giving up tomatoes yet cause I don't ahve a plan... several hours after the tomato episode I am still bloated and food-intolerant. Result -- I am now compulsed to do an enema to enable eating a second meal -- instead of waiting it out, waiting until I really can tolerate food, to eat again.
This website is so toxic... so many agree with me and tell me so... I do seriously seriously need this site to keep track of myself and to attract the many wonderful people I have attracted here... but some of these rapists... my God: I could write "I am perfect in every way and fast precisely according to the Bragg plan and everything is perfect in my body" and I would get 95 screaming abusive responses that I was about to die. This is also a part of my life narrative -- getting this kind of abuse and reactivity from people... I need to find my way out of these things. I know I am going to post a long post condemning the behavior of people on water forum toward me and my sharing. I truly believe these people need to be told these things for the sake of their own health. These people are really in dangerous territory and are so coming from a toxic fear place and a place of committed obesity and food addiction. I think -- ok, they are they and I am I and I do not need to expend energy on them -- but I think they simply see what they themselves are doing and project it onto me and scream at me that I am dangerous and it is just such scapegoating. OK -- this blog is a good place to work out these issues too since they equally are obstacles to my health and fasting.
I do sincerely have a total thing to say and theory about their toxic fear and so much to say about their total misconceptions about how the body works... maybe they jsut don't experience compulsions as I do? No: if they didn't, they would not be obese/overweight. I know there is an explanation. I know there is a way out for me. I know I am valid and I know that what I believe and know truly refutes their ignorance and fear. I really want to write about it but how can i get myself onto that task.
For now -- sorry to say it but an enema then dinner of 300 or 400 calories I guess. I want to eat more but I don't know what the hell I am going to do really. Maybe eat so that I don't have to wait 3 days to eat again, I guess. Yeah - I think I will hold it to 400 or 500 calories max, maybe 400 so I only have to wait 8 hours after eating to... eat again... God, please deliver me from this horror boredom grinding addiction; I get these feeelings of healthy boredom with it but what stops me from breaking out of it and just pushing away the food??? I need to do more blogging about the fear/thought process underpinning my entrenchment in the relentless grinding compulsive overeating. Ok - so just 400 calories now. Then back to "normal amounts" tomorrow.
LAURAY
|
|
|
Lauray
|
|
|
|
CureZone