Truth of Self, Prt. 11 by Chef Jem Blog entry

Blog: Original Truth of Self
by Chef Jem

Truth of Self, Prt. 11

Received a reply to "The letter".

Date: 3/29/2005 12:59:48 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 2388 times

Today I got a reply to “the letter” I sent about sixteen days ago. Here is what it said:

“(name),
I don’t deserve your anger. If you want to hear from me, let me know that you can correspond rationally & without insult.
You question “mom”? I thought I was a kind loving & giving mom for over (#) years. But then, who can please everyone.
Happy Easter”

The letter she is replying to is the one and the same that is posted within Prt. 9 of these "Truth of Self" blog entries. In that letter I said: “What I would like you to know is that I truly do not feel any family connection with you. Believe it or not, I don’t say this with anger or hatred. I simply do not feel the closeness, the intimacy, the warmth and all that I regard as ‘family’ type feelings.”

Apparently she doesn’t believe it when I wrote that I wasn’t angry at her OR she attached what I think can be called a type of “victim consciousness” to the letter as a whole or maybe just a part that wasn't proceeded my “no anger here” clause. Maybe it was: “Although I felt enraged (and later the absolute worst physical pain I have ever felt in my entire adult life that manifested as sciatica), over what I believe you said concerning “my life”, I am now in great gratitude for a greater sense of who I am and who I am becoming!”

I’ve got other speculative “maybes” that I could propose and maybe I’ll do that some day. (I think it could be great material for a screenplay. Remember “Oh God!”? This one would be “Oh Mother!”. I’m going to check to see if there’s been something written with that title.)

In any case it is very apparent that she was emotionally triggered and has perceived me as "the perpetrator". Is it any wonder that people are not communicating with one another when the simple and explicit words used to express the way things just happen to be are then meet with denial? I think of the NVC (Non-Violent Communications) model and if I’m up to applying it, I would put my attention on her, for the purpose of “connecting” with her by acknowledging her feelings. The feelings I would first acknowledge I believe would come under the category of angry type feelings like: displeased, disturbed, hostile, irritated, mad, offended resentment and/or upset. I’m pretty sure she felt offended so maybe I would start with “Were you in anyway offended by what I wrote because it appeared to be disrespectful to you …”. And along with whatever angry feelings could be admitted to (if indeed they actually ever got admitted to) I believe feelings of hurt could be found. I don’t know whether there are aadditional feelings of sadness or other feelings (aside from a big dose of “righteous indignation”, another legitimate angry type feeling and maybe sans the “righteous” part).

In NVC there’s the area of “Needs” in that model and in this situation I immediately read her need to “correspond rationally & without insult”. However, if you ever wondered what “projection” is then here is a very good example you can refer to! Projection: what we don’t accept within ourselves but claim exists in others. (It reminds me of the "Gospel of Thomas" cite I mentioned in one of my earliest postings. I may want to look at that again even though it may not exactly match this instance.) This is followed by a reference to her self-assessed nearly perfect record of kindness, love and “giving”. Note that this list didn’t include the very worthy and commendable quality/attribute of “listening”, the one thing I was “asking” for (or at least inquiring about) in the letter which would have been a very kind, loving and giving thing for me! A need that I am very gratefully meeting with my real friends as well as in my truth-telling group! Well, as far as the reply from “mom” I honestly didn’t know whether or not I would be heard. At least I know know. I don't feel a need to put more effort into somehow, maybe magically, getting her to actually hear and acknowledge what I was saying in "the letter". I believ she doesn't want to hear my feelings and that she may be incapable of hearing any kind of unpleasant feelings form "her children" without it triggering things in her mind. From my perspective this situation is pretty much consistent with the life long prohibition on expressing unpleasant feelings that I referred to in my letter. It's this condition that I have declared in my letter that I'm not willing to abide by anymore.

And finally she writes: “who can please everyone”. ... I think Ricky Nelson sang a line like that in his “Garden Party” chorus line:
“But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself”
I found that at:

I think “pleasing yourself” is definitely better than demanding that others please you. I'm having an ever expanding "garden party" with pleasing myself and it is perfectly OK that "mom" isn't including herself!

One of the dear souls in my truth–telling group suggested I consider what I want in/from a relationship with “mom”. I accepted the opportunity to contemplate on this and although I haven’t focused my direct conscious attention on the matter I had been holding it in “back of my mind”. I probably had seen a note once a day that I made to myself on this and when I did see it I would immediately agree that it is worth my attention. And so I will do that now. … The first thing that I want for the relationship is peace. It’s the first thing I want for any and all of my relationships! Actually I have been affirming this on a daily basis as I believe I mentioned in Prt. 10: “From my guardian angel unto (name)’s guardian angel, I offer (name) God’s joy and peace. I really feel that as I am declaring this! I feel I am sincerely offering true and complete joy and peace to each and every soul I declare this for! I will go on doing this. It doesn’t matter to me what is appearing on the level of “correspondence”. I’ve known for a long time that this level leaves much to be “desired”. A direct “person to person” relating would offer a much better possibility of a genuine and complete communication.

About a month ago I realized that e-mail simply doesn’t work for everyone. I terminated the e-mails with “mom”. I have no regrets, remorse or any unpleasant feelings about having done that. Now it appears that the same pitfalls apply to the “snail-mail” type correspondence as well.

I see myself now being pretty much at the same point as I had stated in the last paragraph of my letter: “I can’t expect you to really hear me through this letter and it is unfortunate if that is the case now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you never read this far or if you felt reactive emotions while reading this even though I’m not trying to get a ‘rise’ out of you. I have no interest in forcing or causing you anything. I don’t believe I ever did. I only want peace with myself and I know that absolutely requires me to tell the truth.”

So, although the letter has been sent, to whatever extent it was received may remain a mystery until… “God only knows when”.

Dear souls who read this! You are deeply and completely loved by your own Mother-Father God-Self or whatever you call your source of being, your creator! If you are fortunate enough to know who your birth mother is then you at least have that evidence of that entrance of your humanity into this world in which we all live in. You may never have thought that the day would come where you would be asked by circumstances, prossibly not of your making, to be something of a loving "mother" to the one that apparently birthed you. Yet it is possible that circumstances may require that of you. And if that opportunity comes I pray that you recognize and seize it! For surely the "mother" in you loves ... and her loving will continue in it’s giving regardless of whether or not another “mother” agrees with you.

From my Inner Mother to your Inner Mother, I offer you great joy and peace!