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day 6 -later
saturday nite thoughts - if anyone reading sorry if confusing but you'll get over it!
Date: 1/14/2006 9:44:29 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 3683 times i have a new obsession this blog! well healthier than my other vises. took my 14 year son and 7 friends to an all you can eat pizza place it was rather disgusting. not that i really wouldve enjoyed this in the past but tonite it was pretty bad. i had to wait in the car. although weird thing is i am craving food i dont even like. i felt like a hot dog today....wots up with that???
oh and when did i stop eating really healthy. why did i start eating fatty food and too much bread and bacon god i never ate bacon. when did i start ordering fries??? i loved healthy low fat food and still do and my diet was a lot of that stuff. but somehow over the last few years i have added butter to bread - never use to do that. and i never bought cooking oil and if i did it would last forever in my cupboard...so why did i start eating bad food?? and why dont i exercise...mmm yes heard this would happen with juicing cleansing contemplating etc.
went for a walk tonite which was good. but saw all these people goin out for dinner or going to party started to feel really seperate from them. walking around supermarket thinking i am so different from all you people - i cant eat...saw all these fat people and thought that is why fat people are referred to as jolly cause they are bloody happy they can eat and drink all they want!!!
but then looked in mirror and saw the result of me eating and drinking all that i want and it just isnt me. it is like someone attached something disgusting to my stomach and thighs and bum - god my ass is big. so now i have 30 days to lose some of it and then i have to change my lifestyle.
ok in all honesty wondering why have i let myself get to this point?? i have 3 beautiful children who i love and nuture i make sure there diet is really balanced adn i make sure they get lots of activity. i wouldnt let them treat themselves the way i have treated me...and my husband is so thin and super fit looking....i let the family picture down...god that is depressing to think like that. i know i am the glue that holds them together and much more than that.. but why dont i look after myself. ok i have started to and that is great but maybe i need to answer this question more. part of me thinks it is becasue i am just lazy and love food and life and partying and playing and food adn it doesnt really matter what you look like on the outside its what in that matters. but what if waht is outside doesnt fit with what is on the inside? ok so what is missing from my life. well i know the answer to that...mmmm....gotta work on that one..but when...soon...next year... no that is too long or can i work on the outside me and then work on the other stuff...maybe i can do both..but here...yes here... no not here...oh i dont know if i can answer that one tonight.
anyway feelign really bloated and not enought poo today have to take some more herbs blaaackk hate them. i just wrote a whole lot of bullsh..t so does that count!!!ha! tonite was easier than last nite so lets hope day 7 goes by realatively peaceful...goodnite
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