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Blog: Release
by Ibbygurl

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There is always a way or an answer.

Date: 5/31/2005 3:43:06 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 2689 times

The next morning rolled around and at 5:30 mom woke me up. We got ready and packed for school. My brother slept most of the way home. She asked me if I was going to go to shcool that day. I told her I couldnt. I didn't think I could even open my door and walk into the school without crying.

My brother got dropped off clueless to what was going on around him. My mom had to go to court that morning so I got dropped off at my grandfathers house. My grandfather is the greatest. He feels so bad in the sence that he dosent know what to do or say. Just the fact that hes there for me and tries to help means the world to me.

The following 2-3 months were a big blir. Up until January. That month held the court/sentencing date. I was allowed to go even though there was an order of protection. I went and as soon as I saw my father I broke down into tears. I felt like I was the one putting him through this. I told and if I didnt I wouldnt be sitting in this court room watching my father getting put into jail for years. The fact I told caused all this. Caused all my pain and hurt as well as my family. Why didn't I keep my mouth shut?

After court was over

My mom, aunt and my mom's as well as my good friend went to Leo's for coffe. I don't think I ever had that much coffe in my life. It settled my tummy though. We went outside, everyone hugged me and told me how brave I was and how proud of me they were. They went home and so did I.

I started to see a counslor at SCF. It was helping me a lot. I got out what I needed and delt with what I needed to deal with. After awhile I felt no one really felt what I was feeling and knew what I was feeling. I just wanted someone to feel that. Just to atomaticly know what I ment, know how I was feeling. I soon felt like everything was my fault.

At first, I used to "erase" (a form of self-injury) to punish myself. I would talk to my theropist about it. She was conserned and knew that I had it under control. Later on, an "eraser" wasn't doing it for me anymore.

I picked up cutting as a better way. This began to get out of control. One morning, I went to my school student advocate (who has been helping me in school) and I told him I just couldn't handle it anymore. This was taking over me and I just can't do it. I was later put into "4 winds" and was on the quick road to recovery. I was out of there in 3 days.

That Friday was my 16th birthday and I was having friends over. I had so much fun! I didn't stop cutting until that Christmas. That was my gift to me. I know now that I couldn't have dont it without the mental power and without the people around me who help me from day to day.

Thirteen

When I saw the movie Thirteen, I knew that's the way I wanted my mom to deal with finding out about my cutting. Just to hold me and tell me everything was going to be OK. No matter what I said or did just sat there and held me. Would have brought me to my bed and laid next to me as I cried for hours and just let everything out. Kissed my scars, coverd them up and told me everything was going to be ok from then on. Just stayed with me as I slept and plaied with my hair.

Is that Hollywood?

Was I looking for too much?

I didnt want to get attention when I was doing it. When it was all over I just wanted to cry and be held forever.

I was always the one to keep things together and made sure everything was ok. I was the one who kept everything in so everyone else could be taken care of. Even now after everything is over and out in the open those are still my roles. I am the glue that keeps my family together.

As of this minute my schedual consists of Tuseday- I have a group I work with at SCF from 5-7:30, when I get home my brother wants dinner like right then, after dinner I have to clean up, do the dishes and clean the kitchen, take a shower, make sure the house is picked up, get my homework done and make sure I am in bed before my mom gets home at 11pm.

Thursday is basicly the same way. Wensdays and Fridays I babysit for my cousin and I dont even get paid for it, I dont get home until 7pm and the rest of the night goes like the rest.

I have tried to talk to my mom, but she doesn't think she gives me a lot to do. She doesn't, but with everything else it is a lot. One night she asked my brother to unload the dishwasher and for me to load it. Well he never did. I can't load it if its not empty. I left it to show my mom I am always the one doing things and when she got home she "vented" to me saying that we want and want and we dont do anything. I do everything and when we go out I hardly ever ask because I know I will get "Well, where is your money?"

I seem to be the one always getting vented to or yelled at if somethings not done. My brother is so clueless that he just shakes it off. I take things more to heart and more personal. Maybe thats my flaw in life. I take things to heart. I try to help people more then myself. To have helped someone or to see someone truly happy is my joy and treasure.