Gradual progress, yoga and colon cleansing by woodlawn Blog entry

Blog: Journey back from depression
by woodlawn

Gradual progress, yoga and colon cleansing

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Date: 4/25/2005 4:06:11 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 2960 times

Ok. More pressing matters motivate me, and my planned post addiction part two will have to wait.

Oh my god. I continue to take small steps forward on finding balance in my physical health. It is hard for me not to beat myself up for not doing all at once (i.e. fasting, 2x a day yoga, and full-on colon cleanse), but I am making progress. Despite the "all or nothing" mentality I constantly struggle with in every area of my life, I am coming to actually believe (in my heart!) that implementing gradual changes will be more effective, not less. Intellectually, I know this is absolutely true, but there is a voice deep down that tells me that I am just being lazy in believing this. Slowly but surely, I am forcing that voice to shut the hell up.

I went to yoga four times last week, and this week I will continue, perhaps increasing my involvement if that is available. My goal is simple: I just want to enjoy and look forward to my daily practice again. I know everything else will come from that. I have committed to keep trying until it gets easier, and if I get discouraged, I will alternate my normal classes with classes that are not so physically demanding. That way I will give myself the chance to just enjoy classes, but will also have opportunities to move forward (which I find rewarding). I think by using this strategy I can best maintain and deepen my motivation--I know that I thrive on both the pleasures of a calm (and more effortless) practice and the challenge of working on difficult poses and complex series. While I have previously found these dual pleasures in one class, for the time being, I think that isolating these rewards could be very helpful.

Mentally, I am forcing myself to back off from the primary goal of simply losing weight. I have redirected my focus to health and well-being. This is an invaluable step for me (and I know that taking care of my body will naturally result in weight loss), as it enables me to let go of so many of the difficulties I struggle with. Health has its own rewards. I don't need to chastise myself for slipping on a diet or tie myself to the scale to gauge my progress. I can tell I am moving forward by the way I feel.

You know, I just had a revelation. Five years ago, when I first started doing yoga, I was overweight. But I didn't go to yoga to lose weight. In fact, I never would have suspected that yoga could help me to lose weight. Even though it was challenging physically, I grew up on the doctrine of running and aerobics, and I saw yoga along the lines of "stretching." Before I knew it, I was going to daily or twice daily class, just because it made me feel good. Within three months, none of my clothes fit any more. People asked if I had lost weight, but I honestly didn't know, and would shrug my shoulders. I never weighed myself, so I wasn't sure. Six months after I started practicing, I was absolutely stunned when I stepped on a scale. I had lost nearly fifty pounds, with no changes in diet, and completly unaware of the cause of the transformation. It was incredible.

I kept practicing regularly, and the rewards kept coming, but to tell the truth, after I realized how much weight I had lost, my practice took on a different character. It entered the revered realm of "things that make me thin," and it took on the mental tags of that title. It became a punishment; something I could berate myself with, something I "forced" myself to do, or judged myself based on. Not only that, but I held it "accountable" when it "didn't work." It has never been the same as it was before. I am now sure that this attitude (along with other life factors) led to the lapse of my practice. Each time I have returned to yoga before, I have quit. But each time, I have returned to yoga not for the emotional and spiritual benefits, but strictly for the physical perks, weight loss in particular. I have used that as my motivating factor, even though I knew yoga had many benefits outside of the physical. No wonder I have resisted my return each time! Since I consciously chose to distance myself from my anorexic tendencies, I have always resisted any similar obsessive urges, or any scenarios in which I force myself to do anything in order to be thin. It makes perfect sense that I would leave yoga for this reason.

In understanding this, I have come full circle! By letting go of my weight loss expectations, I can feel free to enjoy yoga as I once did--to find classes that support and nourish me each day, not just those that will burn the most fat. Awesome.

And now on to the more pressing subject: the Colon Cleanse.

I am absolutely certain this is something I need. The P&B shakes last week were a bit of a disaster. Obviously I didn't drink enough water--for the past week, even though I have had small eliminations, I have felt constipated. After two days, I got worried and stopped drinking them temporarily. Even a salt flush did not alleviate the constipated feeling, and right now daily salt flushes will be difficult to work into my schedule. Laxative tea has not worked either. So I tried my first enema today. I am extremely squeamish, but it wasn't as bad as I had feared. I didn't even get a real BM, but the smell was extremely toxic. It left me even more positive this is the right avenue for me now. As much as I want to just press a button and be clean, I think it is going to take time to break up whatever is going on in my colon. My plan is to do salt flushes when possible, and enemas when I have less time. I will work towards a juice fast, and I do plan to return to the P&B shakes, but only After I have my water intake up. I don't want to risk more constipation.

I do feel better after the enema, lack of BM notwithstanding. I used coffee (I just watched the Gerson movie), and I think it will have good benefits. This afternoon, I will get down the old juicer, and I will probably do another coffee enema tonight after class. I am trying to take pleasure in the process of cleansing. I have noticed that the more I am able to let go (and the less I impose "restrictions" or "musts" upon myself), the more I recover naturally (just like with yoga).

For years, I have known that I am better off with a vegetarian diet. However, after beginning to eat meat again years ago, I have never gone back fully to vegetarianism (like yoga, I've had many fits and starts). It's hard--not only have I rekindled my taste for meat, but with my constant weight loss objectives, I was lured by the protein-heavy diet fads of recent years, trying every diet in the book, even Atkins, which made me extremely ill. But just like with yoga, I know in my heart the things that are good for me. It is when I try to impose them on myself with an external goal such as weight loss that I invariably resist and refuse. Last week, though, when I began the colon cleanse, I tried not to restrict anything. "Just take this one step towards health" I told myself. Not to lose weight, just for health. And miraculously, even at a baseball game, I had no desire for a hot dog! None whatsoever. I know they are basically pure poison, but I really love hot dogs. This, I consider, is a big step forward.

Ok, so lesson learned. Focus on health, only health. The rest will come. It's common wisdom, but for some reason it just never sunk in until now. The way to escape the trap of obsessive thoughts is to simply bypass the offending issue (weight) altogether.