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Day Three
Baby steps.
Date: 4/19/2005 5:08:06 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1812 times Last night was the first time I felt really good in a long time. My boyfriend and I went out to dinner and had a lovely time. Dinner was not terribly healthy. But I didn't feel out of control. Today I had a smoothie and we went for a long walk in the park. It was super!
I held off on another P&B today. I am not drinking enough water with this colon cleanse, I think. Right now, it is doing the opposite of cleansing or flushing. The P&B shakes seem to get stuck, and I feel plugged up and nauseated. I think I will have to give in and do an enema. I don't really do so well with enemas, but I think it is the better option right now, as I can do it at any time of day. At the moment, enough is going on that the salt flush is a little difficult to coordinate.
Yesterday was a little difficult because I began my period, which is always a misery. Shockingly, though, today the cramps are not bad. I am a little astounded by that; I am usually virtually incapacitated for three to five days when my period begins, even with dangerously high doses of Advil. I felt shitty last night, but I took a small (for me--unthinkable for most...) dose of Advil, and it actually worked. Today I only took one Advil (a miracle!) and I feel great (except for the whole colon thing...). It is also fantastic when PMS lifts. Invariably, I worry that I'm sliding down the long slope to depression each month, only to rebound (at least a little bit) after my period begins. Once you've had a breakdown, you are so conscious of every fluxtuation in mood, terrified its step one on the way back down. For me, who has reliable PMS, I get a reminder every month of where I do not want to be. But then it lifts, and I actually have sanity, with no effort whatsoever! All I have to do is apologize to my boyfriend for being evil/morose/catatonic or whatever the flavor of the month is. Fortunately, he is understanding.
Despite the big improvement though, I think it's really important that I face up to the fact that I have been in denial about my low-level depression for a really long time. I haven't had a full-fledged breakdown in years, but you do not gain seventy pounds becuase you are living a healthy and fulfilling life. Seeing pictures today of myself at a wedding would have been a wake-up call (had I not already had one) to just how much I have changed physically, especially in the past year. It is, well, horrifying. But I will use it! Let my not-so-noble vanity help lead me back to a vibrant life.
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