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What did I miss?
review
Date: 2/21/2010 8:47:04 AM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1078 times What am I missing in my 'old sponsor's' words that it's in my pattern to run away. Yup. Running is my pattern. Every time someone in my life died, I ran. My father, my grandmother, my three brothers and my son.
No one has died. I feel like I am dying in a way. Like I am shedding my emotional self that I have known all of my life. So there's a death.
Each time she's wanted to work the 6th and 7th step with me and then asked me to show her last year's 4th step that I had done with my City sponsor - I just didn't trust her. My gut kept going off that she wasn't qualified to do it with me in the Big Book as she was trying to do. She advised that after all these years she didn't realize 'how much there was in there' and that she 'really wanted to go through it as it was in the Big Book' with me. I had already gone through the first 164 with my City sponsor and just didn't feel like she qualified for my trust in her with this process and the confidence it requires. I just don't believe that I have her utmost confidence. Our third friend would drop little issue sensitive questions in a very general way each time my 'old sponsor' and I would have an emotional head-butting. 'How's it going with L***?' would be the inevitable question. Not asked when things were fine I noticed.
My 'old sponsor' was also in-between sponsors. Her sponsor, she learned had stopped going to meetings last year and she thought she might ask when I asked her about it. I wanted to know if this was a strong lineage and what direction was being given. I had already done this region's version of sobriety and I damn near died. Turns out, it was quantity, not quality.
So, back to my running. Running. Am I running? Yes, I believe I am. I am running to a new sponsor. Why? What is it that I want to run to her for?
Strong lineage vs. no lineage
7+ meetings a week vs. 3+ meetings a week
Decades-long experience w/sponsees vs. no experience with sponsees
Decades-long experience working out of the Big Book vs. no experience working out of the Big Book
Life's experience in living and working the solution vs. theory and the Big Book being a 'good idea, I'll try it this way now'
Okay. I am running. Thank you. You are right. I am running for my life. I am running for my life today.
I ran last night in my snow shoes and just kept picking up each knee when I didn't think I could, didn't think I wanted to, didn't think it would cooperate. I jogged for almost 40 minutes in the snow. Today I feel my torso is just a teensy-bit tighter. It feels almost 'pulled in' - the tiniest sensation of muscle pulling when I move. Not pulling as just feeling like it's no longer just hanging there. It's actually feeling more wrapped around my ribs, if you will.
My depression this morning had me in its grip. My new sponsor called me to ask if I had done the 6th and 7th step after I spoke (the meeting where she introduced herself to me) at the meeting in the other village. Nope. Didn't do it. My old-sponsor brought it up, but as I said - my gut just didn't want to open up to her any more. Pride? Ego? I WILL talk to my new sponsor about all of this. I will take an inventory on my thoughts and actions around this. I will not shy away from this.
I felt lonely this morning having ended that relationship. It's a very, very small town. Mayberry is a city compared to this town. Population? In 2000 it was 570. I have been instructed to send a card advising that I am sorry it has worked out the way it has and that I wish to still be friends and then at meetings ALWAYS smile, ALWAYS say hello, and ALWAYS be 'lemon-fluffy-light'. My new motto: Just be lemon-fluffy-light.
Okay, 10 positive affirmations.
1. Today I feed my body well so that I may thrive.
2. Today I exercise to support myself in being the strongest person I can be.
3. Today I can approach all people and all things with a light heart.
4. Today I can lose myself in my job and do it right and do it well - I can not only serve others but take refuge in it.
5. I believe in myself today - if I take an action, change will happen.
6. The past for me now runs as far back as when I opened my eyes this morning. I travel lightly today.
7. The future runs only as far as bedtime tonight. I don't have to fear today.
8. I absolutely trust my sponsor and can comfort myself in knowing that I made the right decision for health and for friendship.
9. I keep my heart open so that love will always have a place to find its way to.
10. I have faith in God today and I seek Him with all that I am - it is up to me to seek Him for comfort.
Have a peaceful day.
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