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Deleted last posting.
Please God.
Date: 2/14/2010 5:37:39 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1861 times Must tidy it up, I guess.
Cleaned 4 condominiums today. Did nine floors on my hands and knees, scrubbed 9 toilets. Trainee under me did one toilet and one floor. That was all it took to know who was going to be in charge of that detail. He made over 15 beds though. That's a lot of linen.
I am letting myself off the hook in exercising one hour today. My back is kiiling me and I worked until dark. Nuff said.
I have changed since beginning this blog again in that I now do a nightly teeth/face hygiene regimen again. I got so depressed over Christmas, I just stopped. I then gave up TV with the exception of Sunday night Masterpiece Theater (THANK GOD IT'S SUNDAY), and to exercise every day and I just stepped it up the day before yesterday to be for one hour a day. This is my anti-suicide regimen. My f*cking head literally tells me throughout the day I am no good, a born loser, I'll never change, I can't change, and that the BEST thing I can do for others is to kill myself. If there is a God, I AM BEGGING YOU TO CHANGE ME, HELP ME, CHANGE MY MIND, CHANGE MY HEART, CHANGE MY ACTIONS, CHANGE MY THOUGHTS!!!
I already drank again and divorced my husband. I moved away, begged an addict to kill me in a black out, attempted suicide twice since, and quit 5 jobs and lost two jobs in that past 4 years since my son died. I've been to treatment twice. I am in trouble and I don't know how to turn this Titanic around. I'll just keep trying. I cannot live any further out that one day - today. I cannot think any further in the past then when my eyes opened up this morning.
Okay - new discipline to add. Positive affirmations every morning after my reading and journaling. Just 10.
So, what've I got so far?
*Up at 5am.
Morning prayer on my knees thanking God for another day, asking Him to keep me sober, asking Him for angels (anything!!!) to empower me to live His love, His light, and His will. I will pray to only be His ambassador for others to see.
Morning reading and response journaling to ONE, yes ONE reading. No, two. TWO readings. One is the Twenty-Four Hours A Day book and the second is the Grief Recovery meditation book. BIG POT OF COFFEE WITH THE MORNING READING TO START AS MY INCENTIVE. Quick biscuit or something to power me up.
*Write out on this blog 10 positive affirmations about myself. I don't even have to believe them. Nothing else that morning - no reflection, no bitching, nothing. Just 10 positive affirmations and the list of what I've accomplished on this list. No commenting, no bitching on my part - just make the lists.
One hour of vigorous exercise outside - snow shoeing, walking, jogging if the roads will ever permit. Look around at nature, try to find God. Try to breathe God in. Choose to be happy. CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.
*A sit down breakfast. That one is TOUGH. I hate to be awake and I hate to have time alone with me. This one is TOUGH. I'll make a BISQUICK QUICHE tonight. Yup, junk food. I gotta get through somehow to start. Should take 5 minutes with something ready to nuke. I can do 5.
*Make up and the BEST clothes I can summon for the day. Put on full face makeup. Foundation, everything. REALLY, REALLY TRY.
*Get to work 15 minutes before I am to punch in.
These changes really suck. Just sayin' is all. I feel the pain just writing them out.
Okay, try. Just try to not vent negativity. Just try, okay?
Gag rule for meetings still applies. Only 11 months and 3 weeks to go on the one year commitment. Keep going girl. Thank the chair person, thank the speaker if there is one, and say hello to three people and ask them how they are. Then LISTEN TO THEIR RESPONSE.
Do nightly inventory according to the Big Book. Should take 10 minutes, tops. Been at it a while, got the groove.
Pray on my knees thanking God for another day.
*Check in on this blog as to how I've done. Try NOT to bitch - look at the growth and the gifts. 3 min. tops.
Teeth/face hygiene.
Read something positive to feed my brain before I go to sleep.
*Lights out by 10pm. Non-negotiable here.
Am I perfect yet? The ones with the stars in front are the new additions I am adding tonight.
What do I want here? Peace. Just some f***ing peace. I want to create a positive, warm and happy woman. I want to create an invitation to others to be in my life. I want to be kind, abundant, happy, filled with true hope, and God's light.
Please, God - if you're there - I'm begging for the willingness to change.
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