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Just say goodbye.
run like hell
Date: 2/4/2010 5:28:20 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1963 times Went for an incredibly strong snow shoe for lunch today. Made a conscious effort to FEEL my presence inside my body rather than looking through my eyes like my body is a closet that houses me and I am looking out. I literally am trying to suck in a sense of belonging from the outside world in what passes before my eyes.
While I swung my arms, lifted my legs, contracted my glutes, stretched my abs I literally told myself I am running for my life. I said goodbye to the threads that hold me mentally and emotionally to each of my brothers who drank themselves to death. Said goodbye to the threads that hold me to my mother who lives, literally, in front of the TV.
Said goodbye to my need for connection to them. Came to grips with their impermanence, their true splendor that came and went without full blossom. Felt my broken heart that their lights have truly, truly gone out - forever. And that I need, HAVE TO walk away from my connection to them. I have to see their choices as choices, their consequences as consequences, I have to take FULL responsibility for myself. I am not prisoner of who they WERE. Of what my family was like, the behaviors that I grew up in, what feels familiar, the jealousy I feel when I see others who perhaps don't have the same struggles I feel that I have.
I divorced my husband party because of his ability to move on. His ability to shine light through himself outward. Because of my step children's ability to function on a higher plane that I ever could. It was a mirror that was so painful. I kept telling myself that if my son was dead, I WOULD not go on. I didn't have the courage to face what came next with them without him. Now, I have to have the courage to face what comes next without them and without him. Hmmmm. Not really a win/win, is it? I should've been committed.
I hate this. The Buddhist prayer at my son's funeral and the prayer I chant every year on the anniversary speaks of how the light of this world is fading for him as he progressively moves further and further away from this life from the day he died to this.
I feel a feeling right now that leaves me stone-cold. There's such a sense of urgency, a clock ticking that I feel. No wonder I zoned out. No wonder. I really CAN feel that this is a one shot deal. Can you? I've had it before and I've run like hell from it. I have lived thinking my life was like television actually, there's 'always next week's episode' and 'to be continued'. What a joke, what an illusion I've allowed myself to feel as real.
Off to a meeting.
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