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I can't finger point...
progress
Date: 2/3/2010 7:50:54 AM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1434 times ...if I want to recover. Yesterday's blog left me feeling crappy. Who cares what it was like and with whom. All that seems to matter today to learn to live the quality of life I wish for is that I take action. I am learning to just leave the resentment behind. It's the emotions around the resentments that have shaped me. I hate where I've led myself.
I cancelded Netflix yesterday. That was a good thing to do. I spoke at an AA meeting last night in the quaint resort village on the other side of the mountain.
I spoke of my first drink and my last. It centered on basically my inability to drink like other people, the darkness in my personality that is my alcoholism, and what I do today to combat it (prayer, written daily inventories, meetings daily, working with a sponsor, service work within the meeting structure, calling newcomers). The room seems to just sit silently as what I share unfortunately is not a 'happy go lucky' message. Not yet. It is intense and I apologized for it. It starts out light, then it just goes dark when I describe what it was like. My alcoholic behavior is not the message of hope, my daily work is.
I am focusing on the 'joy of living' in my second year. That includes laundry and finances. If I cannot somehow see the privilege in those and somehow turn them into tolerable, if not hopefully one day, enjoyable activities then my misery will just follow me into the bigger and 'more valuable and important' activities.
Today I am going to go out on my lunch and snowshoe up in the mountain pass! I should be so excited! I really need to remember that last year at this time I was living in a small women's treatment center at the foot of the Stratosphere in Vegas wishing for death. I had zero intuition, gratitude, hope, or ability to care for myself. My friends didn't know where I was or if I was alive. I truly, truly believed no one cared for me. I didn't realize that I didn't care for myself. It's a learning process and I refuse to give up any ground I've gained. I have in the past - just given it all up, all of it. No more.
Happiness CAN be found in tight glutes and I'll be damned if I'm not going to begin to try to find it there and work my way into more ways to just be happy, joyous, and free.
I release my expectations on others, I release my resentments, I release my guilt, shame & remorse, I release my attachment to hell.
Oh, last night I got home from the meeting at 10pm. I took off my coat, my clothes and just flopped on my bed. It was like I passed out that's how exhausted I was from speaking. It was the most amazing experience sober, to be that tired. I woke up at midnight and *drum roll* washed my face and brushed my teeth. I'll be damned. Day 4.
xo
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