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day 8, breakfast 14 y
Blessings and joy through courage and hard work!
I am starved. Absolutely starved. I’ve been working on my morning meditation readings/response journaling for 2 hours this morning. I felt, as usual, depressed and hopeless upon waking.
I called my Christian friend and we read scripture and prayed for 10 minutes. I then forced myself, as I was just resentful, unhappy and cowed; to continue on with my many ’conference approved’ AA and AlAnon readings. I feel hopeful, a part of the solution and the human race, and blessed. I feel that I have the power within me to act out of the solution I participate in through meetings, sponsorshi ... read more day 7, still going strong! 14 y
tears of gratitude and relief
Phew!!! Made it! One movie, one inventory and one meditation/response journaling later and I’m on the other side of that emotional hell. Phew!!! It is so good to see that I am truly made of G*d’s Divine Light - I only have to choose to step into it, be a part of it and breathe. The rest will take care of itself.
huge, deep exhale - no kidding huge, deep exhale - no kidding uge, deep exhale - no kidding
This is exactly what I tried to end my life over, drank over, threw myself away over. Why some of us do it and some of us don’t - I guess it all comes down to faith, surrender, ... read more day 7, check in - 14 y
movie day
I am at the bottom of the barrel.
I wish Don were Tom and Tom wishes I would take care of him.
I went fundraising for the Remembrance Run and it was going great. I got 5 out of 7 to donate. It was 8 that just about took me out of the game.
She’d be glad to donate a product bag - oh and did I know that her father was killed at the same spot on Christmas Eve 2008? I stood and listened as best I could for 40 minutes. I left rattled, shaken, and stirred.
Don just called as I write this. Camaro-guy. Don loves me. I don’t love him. We only hung out once but we see each other ... read more day 7 14 y
go girl
Yesterday was 90 miles an hour and I did not get done nearly what I had hoped. I did make connections with three friends and that is very important.
I’ve balanced my check book, cleaned my bathroom, did my dishes, bought veggies (4 colors of pepper), went to AA, therapy and for a pleasure drive yesterday with a friend. We went to a fish hatchery north of here in his t-top Camaro. ”I’m a red neck woman, I ain’t no high-class broad” - sing it if ya know it.
It is just pouring right now. I’m getting ready to leave to go to fund-raise raffle prizes for the Remembrance Run for my son ... read more Day 5 14 y
beginning of summer
Wow, day 5. It’s becoming familiar to plan my food and do the footwork behind it. Thank you, G*d. I need to shop for more food today and I need to get a little more creative.
Breakfast: I have bananas and strawberries to finish up so I’ll make a smoothie this morning rather than eating them fresh.
Snack: Last of the almonds should do.
Lunch: Finish up the salad of tomatoe, onion and balsamic. I’ll shred a lot of carrot and toss that in there.
Shopping. I’ll need to bring a cooler as I’m going to my friend’s house this afternoon and will need my own fresh food and I will ... read more day 5, afternoon 14 y
responsibility
What a day. Fiddleheads are pure food - #1. I am in G*d’s hands - #2. I am running for my life and I know which way NOT to go - #3.
My feelings are ruling me right now - RUN AS FAST AS I CAN INTO THE SOLUTION.
I spent the afternoon with a friend who is receiving treatment for leukemia and I am scared to death just being with her. I am scared, scared, scared.
Reality check: I DO NOT HAVE LEUKEMIA. I AM EATING THE BEST POSSIBLE FOOD I CAN. I AM IN RECOVERY. I HAVE ATTENDED ONE AA MEETING AND TWO CHURCH SERVICES TODAY RUNNING TO ALL POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS AND ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENTS ... read more day 5, breakfast 14 y
choices
The batteries in my clock are dying. Lste this morning when I thought I was on time. Funny, that.
Okay - in love with strawberries and bananas. Almost done with almonds. Flax seed oil still coating my mouth.
Lunch: Fiddle heads w/balsamic, cut broccoli, tomato.
No juice packed, will pick up cider on the road today.
Dress is not as tight in my hips as last week. Thankful for that.
Feel guilt and shame about my relationships with women. I don’t trust them, I judge them harshly, and I just don’t feel like I’m ’one of them’ now that I’m divorced with no kids. One friend ... read more Day 4 (?), it's night time!!! 14 y
day 4?
Wow, what a day! I had the BEST day today, it was amazing to feel so free from depression and anxiety. I’m just not sure what day # this is and funny - I’m not counting.
Ate the fruit for breakfast and thought I’d be home for lunch. Nope. Had two more bananas in the car and that’s a lot of fruit. Passed on the Dunkin Donuts in Wallyworld, the beef jerky, and the cookies at the meeting tonight. Not bad. I really didn’t want it. I had a lot of fruit today. I am punchy and feeling a little lazy. I bought ripe tomatoes and fiddle heads. I’m going to soak them, rinse them, then th ... read more day 4 breakfast got lost 14 y
day 4
Rats. try again.
Going to a big parade with bananas, strawberries and almonds. Showing off toes in flip-flops. Being a Jehovah’s Witness from 6-16 is rearing it’s ugly head. No parades, carnivals, fireworks, etc. It was the ’worldly ways’. My poor, poor mother. She truly was a unique individual.
Going to WalMart for shampoo, the market for food. Wallyworld does not sell food here.
Spoke to two women friends last night. Reminds me to call three people today to see how they are.
Generally VERY peaceful this morning. Feel like I belong in this world. Food related? You ... read more Day 3, bed 14 y
moving on
Ate my avocado, walked the rec path - saw 3 male ducks, 1 female and 3-5 babies(!), blew the fuzz off dandelions, smelled the cut grass and fresh air. Three coats of OPI Osaka-to-me Orange on my toes. Gratitude list:
1. have my own apartment
2. paid bills
3. successful renegotiation of divorce terms
4. sober 16 months
5. one class completed successfully last fall
6. application pending for new training program
7. gifted really awesome appliances to my landlords through a friend
8. established in community again
9. almost one year at current job
10. active in AA
One thing I ... read more Day 3, after dinner 14 y
run for your life
Salad was so big I ate it all afternoon, right up until 4:30. Left at 5:15. Emotional breakdown until 6:55 - bawling, feeling like a total loser with no hope.
Practiced respectful communication skills with 5 different land line/dsl representatives. I can do this. Just one breath at a time, ia all.
I’ve failed with customer service reps in the past but tonight - I am stellar! (I hate that phrase.)
So, I better eat something before I eat something I really don’t want to. I have an awesome ripe avocado in the fridge. Ain’t Vegas ’cados but it’ll do. 2800 miles further to go - ... read more day 3, 10 affirmations 14 y
10 affirmations
* I am home and it is in that gratitude I choose to operate out of this afternoon. I am so grateful to be home. One year ago I was in a huge city, the most heartless one in the world: Las Vegas.
* I put on MmmmBop by those little pop boys Hanson. I can remember my young boy and I jumping around the living room when he was 9. That life with Trace, that love we shared for one another still lives and is still what inspires me.
* I am blessed. G*d does not reveal His plan. I take such comfort in knowing that I AM living His will for me. How do I know? This is where I raised m ... read more Day 3, lunch 14 y
only 5 more hours?
Lunch is good. Huge f*cking salad w/onions. Use to work at the Sesame Seed Restaurant in Danbury, CT and this salad reminds me of their signature salad. So simple. Really, really ripe tomato, green leaf lettuce, a lot of onion w/sesame seeds and feta cheese. Mine does not have seed or cheese.
I was as lost in my heart then as I feel now. Just looking for a day of peace in my heart. What is it that I am lacking? Buddhism says I lack nothing. Christianity says G*d supplies. What is the f*cking problem? I am livnig in the problem and not in the solution. Simple as that.
When ... read more Day 3 14 y
carry water, chop wood
Wow - Day 3. One more day. Last night I washed my face, got dressed, put on makeup, went to a meeting and shared, followed up by shopping for veggies. I forgot the dates but that’s okay. I didn’t buy for the week, I bought for like 3 days.
So, breakfast: banana, fresh strawberries - forgot my juice. Will buy some cider in the store down stairs. Almonds. Good.
Lunch: huge salad w/balsamic and almonds. Very simple today.
Wish I had something worthwhile to report. Just crying. A lot. Gotta do it. No one can do my work for me. Ex emailed me this morning. Sent check and ... read more day 2, dinner 14 y
crunch
So walking up the stairs to my apartment tonight I thought that I would order a large cheese pizza to soothe my broken, alcoholic heart. Then, I unpacked my bag from work and saw my empty salad and radicchio containers - oh yeah. I’m not eating that or giving in to that thought process today.
At work it was let’s see, a quick trip to the convenience store for a candy bar to break up the day and chocolate biscotti in the neighboring department that I walked away from. Each time I am caught by surprise - oh yeah, I’m not doing that.
Why is my heart broken? Because I am a human bein ... read more day 2, lunch 14 y
bitter is necessary
Crunchy, bitter, light radicchio. Hmmmm. It definitely is getting me to think about what G*d was thinking on this one. It’s bitter - there must be some good qualities here. Light, cleansing, deep ’cranberry-ish’ color. Sweeter in some spots than others.
Sad. Sad as hell. Ex was really, really kind to me in email for the first time. His sincerity came through and he agreed to what I asked for. That’s huge. Sad for everytime I hurt him, every time I told him I hated him and didn’t love him. G*d, I was truly crazy in my grief. I was unacceptable.
I reiterated my amends in my ... read more Day 2 14 y
day 2
Another day. I sometimes wonder what in the world G*d wants me to do that He keeps giving me day after day? So, I just pray that I may do what’s in front of me with a good attitude and respect. I completely lack respect given circumstances that trigger me. That’s not acceptable. I am an adult.
So, last night I had broccoli and it was okay. I washed it down with juice and went to bed early. I was pretty depressed and deflated. I watched a bit of TV and fell asleep. I did call a friend to read Bible verses with but she was not available. She called back after I had the lights ou ... read more |