Date:   4/30/2007 10:02:24 AM ( 18 y ago)
Hits:   1,741
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=859471

Hang in there, Boem. Know that you aren't the first person who was abused as a child, nor (sadly) will you be the last.

I am just as guilty of abusing my children as was my abusive ex-husband (their father). Sh*t rolls downhill and my abuse by their father was played out upon them at the behest of that man. Sometimes, he would demand that I discipline the children because of some ridiculous infraction of His Rules. If I did not comply, HE would beat them more severely than I could. The physical abuse ocurred far less than the emotional abuse, I must say, and it was complete and thorough. By the time I had determined that I needed to leave, I was on prescribed anti-depressants, my eldest son was running afoul of the Law and on prescribed medications, and my youngest son was turning inward upon himself.

It took 2 years for me to develop a plan of action and put it into motion. When I got out, I determined to take ownership of what I had allowed to be inflicted upon myself and my children, and to take responsibility for the damage that I was responsible for - I apologized to both of my children without making an excuse for my choices and demonstrated to them what a life of light, hope, joy, safety, and honesty could produce.

What helps us to move on is finding, somewhere, the desire and ability to forgive those who have so savagely harmed us. It isn't easy to forgive an adult for inflicting such damage, but it frees us up from maintaining that hatred, animosity, and angst. Hatred, etc., requires an enormous amount of energy to be maintained and that energy is exclusively negative. To forgive allows us to take the next step of walking away from the abuse and negativity. I am only responsible for my own choices, even as far as my adult children go - I have given them the examples of responsibility, honesty, hope, etc., and it is up to them whether they will choose a healthy path or one of personal destruction.

I also became involved in counseling/therapy with a specialist in domestic violence and abuse. It was during this time that I forgave myself for having allowed so much to happen to my Self and my children. That, after almost 20 years of self-imposed torture (choosing to stay and inflicting damage, myself), was the leap over the abyss for me. At that time, I began to let go of all of those "comfortable" feelings of guilt, shame, rage, etc. Those feelings were comfortable to me because they were familiar. Letting go and freeing myself was unfamiliar and risky, and I was almost fearful of healing.

You are not alone and you are not lost - you're just stalled for the moment. There is a place for you, your experiences, and your wisdom earned by your experiences that will help others to evolve from victim to Survivor. I would take the opportunity to express my anger to my parent(s) for what was inflicted upon me and forgive them for what they did, to their faces. It is up to them, at that point, to either acknowledge what they perpetrated, or not. At that point, I've done my bit and moved on without hatred, rage, or vengence in mind.
 

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