Date:   7/4/2011 10:19:57 PM ( 13 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1831742

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It's been over a year since I was assaulted. I still get angry, and so depressed and guilty. It happened when I was at a party of a friends, and we were all drunk. I feel so guilty, and angry and upset and....it was probably the weirdest and most hollow experience of my life. I felt like a shell. I still, feel really empty sometimes and I look at my boyfriend who has stayed with me this whole time and I want to cry because he's loved me the entire time, and been there for me the entire time. I feel like he doesn't deserve me at all. After it happened, I would get panic attacks if I saw the attackers girlfriend, because she was my best friend. I told her about it, and at first she believed me and then 2 days later she changed her mind and said I was a liar and to look her in the eyes when I tell stories. I have never talked to her since then.


My therapist was the campus therapist, and I still think that even though she did try to talk to me, I think she thought I was insane. I didn't feel like she knew how to help me or talk to me, and when I told my mother she said it was my fault. It was the worst time in my life. In the months following, at first I avoided alcohol but then I started going through binges and then periods of being sober and doing school work obsessively until 3, 4 a.m. and then feeling sick.

Now that I'm done with college and away from them, I find myself every now and then logging onto my brothers facebook account and searching for her and him, and I just stare at their names. I brought myself to click on her pictures, but I just stare at his name. I can't bring myself to look at his picture because I want to shoot him off of the face of the earth. I wanted him to die when I thought I was going to die.

Even though I have done so much since then in my work and with my family, I still look back. I still have thoughts everyday, although now they aren't as frequent. I remember the months following I used to want to scream because I couldn't stop thinking about it, about what I had lost and how I wanted to be gone.

I am so glad that time has healed some of my pain, but I wonder what'll be like 5 years down the line. Do people just look back and say 'That mother f***er..." and keep going? I remember the therapist saying "You'll be fine in a couple of months. If in a year you're still thinking about it, you need to see a psychiatrist."


Sometimes I can't even believe I went through it. To those who have gone through this pain, I can't commend you enough. I wish I could give all of you a huge hug.
 

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