Date:   1/22/2009 10:19:42 AM ( 15 y ago)
Hits:   2,607
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1340673

I know you posted this message quite some time again but I felt the need to respond to your post because I can relate to both your anger at the abuse and even some of the situations.

I too was with an abusive husband who was constantly putting me on an emotional roller coaster. He focused on creating situations to justify the his lashing-out sessions. He also tried to convince me that I had mental issues (at a time when I didn't) Eventually I could see that he was even "feeding" off my reduced defenses and I was slipping into a Depression (I actually succumbed to the brainwashing at one point).

Simple everyday household problems and repairs turned into tirates in which I would be blasted for "wanting this f*cking house, you HAD to HAVE this F*cking house". A mantra that became a constant occurance. Apparently he thought I could will things to go wrong to further anger him...which he accused me of constantly trying to do.

I also was not allowed to complain about work or any personal relationships with friends, coworkers or family members. That 45 minute scream session was reserved as his right when he came home from work. I was expected to mantain a completely emotionless state or non-reaction while he was constantly venting.

Now add to the mix three more elements: sexual addiction, infidelity of a homosexual nature and vast amounts of alcohol.

From that point his focus became my physical faults and destruction guised as construction. He literally was destroying my house if I tried to fight back from any verbal attack. He would not allow me to have professionals or tradesmen in to do repairs, yet he would only rip things apart. The more I said the less walls and heating registers I had in my house.

Then as the icing on the cake, his parents started making an on-going joke out of the condition of the house and never-completed construction. His mother (a never-do-well for herself or others housewife) focused on the mess and ridiculed ME for the mess. My favorite quote was "whatever will you do when the house construction is complete...you'll have to through buckets of dirt aound the house to feel at home again". Nevermind that it was her control-freak son not allowing completion of anything. And even though I tried to work right with him on every project, he'd put in his time and then the immense mess was "my job".

I'm not even going to get into the details of his crossing-over to whatever he became: gay, bisexual, omnisexual or whatever evolved. I could literally write a book.

After my little blow-off there I must tell you something honestly. (I reread part of your post) He will probably never admit he has done anything wrong. Because in his world, his perception of reality he is being wronged. He has made a career out of justifying himself and blaming others. If a counselor can't get this guy to turn around it speaks VOLUMES as to the extent of his problems.

I have vented my anger in several ways, some that even resulted in minor legal offenses and it did not make me feel better. Even divorced from the man I can see ultimately he has been given a lot of money (monetarily incentivized) for being an abusive, destructize SOB. I really don't know the answer on that one but do know that we are breeding a society of hatred and abuse where lawyers defend the rights of the abusers far more than the rights of the abused. In fact I'd venture to say that marriages have become the bad business of society. When your partner lies, cheats, steals or drags you through many of the numerous forms of abuse nothing
is done, nobody is prosecuted and he is handed a check for services NOT rendered.

Heck, I would've settled for common human decency. That service I would've paid for... If I would've known I was going to actually be paying somebody to abuse me I would have bankrupted and foreclosed in every direction possible until there was nothing left. The same way he road me trying to make sure there was nothing left.

I wish I had inspiring words for you. But the most I can tell you is that when a piece of equipment blows a fuse because of bad wiring a lot of times it can't be repaired. He has bad wiring...it may not be fixable. You will not probably convince him it has anything to do with him no matter what you do. That's why he constantly blamed you. I have a lot of hate too and I don't know how to channel it or dispell it. All I can say is at least your away from him physically. How to get away mentally is still a mystery to me.

But know that now it will be at your own personal expense (counseling or help) with him having no responsibility for the wreckage he left. Which realistically is what he did all along) There is no solace in it. I feel the same way. Just like the construction mess for me in my house, I know I have again been left cleaning up ALONE.


 

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