I know that must have been so hard to do, but as someone that no longer allows my mother into my life, it is the right thing to do. You will see, your life will get a lot easier as time goes by. I just accepted that Ns are people that are not fully emotionally human and will and can not change. I have no guilt. I wish that for you too.

Arms around you and your husband, Lakelight.

And, best wishes to your mother.

You have all begun your new lives. Day by day things will change for the better for all of you.

Events will not be the same as before..everything is now on a new and better footing.

Hold the thought..."We are doing this the easy way, gently. No more hurts for anyone."

You no longer have to store up the unhappinesses.

Well done!

Fledgling

The colds, flus, sinus infections, etc. are probably the result of stress. The tendency to get sick will disappear in direct proportion to how settled your mind becomes (most deep psychological problems/stress probably result from allowing the mind to remain to be a separate entity). Subconsciously, your mind may continue to feel remorse for this unfortunate situation as guilt that it happened and misplace responsibility on you (even though you are only the child). This is because you have love in your heart and wish that things could have been better. We should be integral (mind, body, and soul should all be united), but very often the mind (the subconscious) is given only enough recognition as to be "imaginary" (a phantom).

The real mind is not imaginary. Because the mind is "subjective" (because of love), it needs you to be able to be "objective" and tell it (by realizing) that you didn't CAUSE the unfortunate situation, you only REACTED to it (sort of the "subconscious of the subconscious").

Parents have opportunity to become "dictators" of their microcosm/kingdom (the family) and unfortunately, the children are not in the position to help the parents resist this temptation. Many parents simply cannot see the injustice to their children, but believe wholeheartedly that a parents role is justified as an "oppressor" (this is known as "family disease", life is not supposed to make sense, if it did, that would eliminate all the suspense, excitement and adventure of living it, go figure reality!!)

Lakelight:

I'm sorry I missed your earlier posts. When a relationship with a mother goes awry it's most troubling.

This happened with my Mother-in-Law. In hindsight we should have known that she was schizophrenic. The signs were there, but everyone just said...Oh, that's just Mom. She made our life a living hell for 12 years. We lived with all her paranoid delusions which were centered around us and our lives. It got much worse when we had our son! She actually called Child Protective Services on us once because we gave our child "cold" food (meaning sandwiches and cereal). CPS came to investigate but apologized profusely and offered the suggestion that we get some help for her when they realized what had happened. But still my husband and his siblings said...That's just Mom!

Well that's not the kind of Mom I had, and when I started to protest her actions I was labeled a trouble-maker and a typically bad daughter-in-law.

My husband suffers from clinical Depression that manifests as extreme insomnia and pain.

We got our lives back when she moved out of state. I'll never forget the panicky call from our brother-in-law who asked if she'd ever said that people were walking on the roof of their house all night. Oh yes, and many more hallucinations, mostly auditory.

She's been heavily medicated in the rest care home and her mind has started to go completely. She doesn't know who she's talking to on the phone anymore. Seriously I feel guilty because I don't feel terrible about her state. Sometimes I feel like such a bad person for thinking that way. But the pain she caused my family (and my husband) is like an open wound of which we are still suffering. And it's been over 5 years since she's been gone.

My husband found a great deal of relief when we sent her out of state, but the guilt has really eaten away at him. How can someone dislike their Mother so intensely? And worse, the whole family had been excusing her behavior all those years. After all, she was a WWII survivor. And I thought that maybe I didn't get it because she was Eastern European and I was just some WASP kid from the U.S. suburbs. My parents were not perfect, they were very uptight, professional, conservative and totally restrictive with me. Now I realize that they were scared to death of my rebellion and were trying their best to keep me from killing myself with drugs or other things. I was really a wild child. But they let me grow up, cut the umbilical cord, and began to respect me as an adult. No judgment, just love.

Both my husbands sibilings are really messed up too. You don't have to be a professional to see how their issues came about.

When she was with us for 12 years she made us feel (or tried to) that we were bad people, bad parents, bad husband and wife, stupid, unreliable, bad children. She tried to make me feel like I was the worst wife and even tried to talk my husband into leaving me 2 months after the baby was born. Leave her, I'll take care of you and the baby she'd say. She's not good enough for you. The negativity always was oppressive.

She left my young child with some real fear. From an early age he was afraid of germs. He was very angry at times. She was very loving to him, but in hindsight we should not have left her alone with him as much as we did. We had no idea she was that unstable then. We just thought she was "difficult".

It's always the worst when it's a Mom....always. Definitely worse than an abusive spouse. I can't imagine those children that are also physically or worse, sexually abused. Parents are supposed to protect you from such things. Parents should be the people you run to when the world is abusive. They should be the safe harbor.

Sorry for the long post, but our hearts have been broken by this relationship. The only good that came from it is how strong a bond we formed as husband and wife. It was hard times, beyond indurance.

I feel relief she is gone. I don't wish her ill, but I don't want her anywhere near my family.

God bless you, Lakelight, and you too, Molly. Having a parent (or, in-law) that is thoroughly dysfunctional is so difficult to cope with - my mom was bi-polar and NPD, suffered from intense guilt complexes, and so forth. Her story is over, but the damage that she left in her wake is still ongoing.

Lakelight, you are not responsible for your mom's illnesses, choices of behavior, drama/trauma, etc. You and your husband have done everything within your power to be reasonable, understanding, and accepting. At some point, reason, understanding, and acceptance are no longer enough to sustain a relationship with someone who willfully inflicts harm upon others. The hardest part is surrendering that person to their own path, even if it's clearly visible where they're headed.

The court event will be fine as long as you remain calm (though I could understand falling into tears under questioning!), stick to the facts, and don't embellish even if doing so might make your case stronger. The Judge will be able to read the symptoms - they've seen enough of this type of stuff to recognize what's playing out in front of them.

Pity your mother for her insanity - it doesn't mean that you have to accept her treatment of you, your husband, and others that she's chosen to harm, but it helps to put flight to the unnecessary guilt. She has chosen her path through her own actions and she is pathetic and 100% pitiable.

My best wishes to you and your husband and my heartfelt prayers that your mother will find the healing that she needs.