You need to create your own life.

Blood is NOT thicker than water.

And a lot of parents have no parenting skills much less being good people.

If you cannot converse with your Mother without her pushing your buttons then you need to walk away, hopefully forever.

You have been duped by what I call mind concensus.

You MUST be a bad person not to love your Mother and do everything she wants you to do.

Utter HOGWASH.

Move out of state and if you need to, change your name.

You're the one trying to be a good person.

Sweets, some people aren't worth the effort.

You need to learn the difference.

Savagegrace

Oh my! That sounds so like my mother (and father, too). I have a younger brother who never sends anyone birthday cards, Christmas cards, etc. When my mother was still alive, she kept telling me to call him, send cards, etc. One day my father started in and I told him that since my brother doesn't send us anything, why should we send him something? My parents knew how to manipulate--"two wrongs don't make a right"--true but there comes a point where you say why do I get the guilt trip? When I was a kid, I couldn't say anything when I was ordered to write or call someone but when I became an adult, I felt freer to speak up. On my wedding day, after the ceremony, we were all at my uncle's house to continue the celebration. My mother took me aside and pointed out an elderly distant relative and ordered me to go to her and thank her for her gift. This was a relative that I hardly knew-it was my mother's idea to invite her. I told my mother "no, I'm not going to" and told her forcefully. She backed off but I later found out that she made my husband go talk to this person.

Speak up and tell your mother that your brother doesn't acknowledge your existence so why should you be forced to do what she tells you? Sure, she will give you a hard time but hold your ground. I learned to do that. If my mother heard that we were vacationing in a particular city, she would try to order us to call someone that she knew who lived there. Again, I would say "I'm not calling that person". If she demanded to to know why, I would say that I really didn't know that person and she should be the one keeping in touch, not me.

Years ago, my parents separated for a few months. My aunt (mother's sister) believed that my husband and I were spending more time with my father when in reality we were trying to be fair about things. However, my mother told lies to my aunt regarding this. After my parents got back together, my aunt treated us horribly for years. We would send her a Christmas and a birthday card and she wouldn't acknowledge it. I would call her and she would cut me short. She warmed up some when my daughter was born. Fast forward to now--we recently visited her and out of earshot, she weepily told my husband that she wanted us to visit her more! Apparently, she forgets just how horribly she treated us!

On the flip side, as a mother to a young adult daughter I every so often hear from relatives who ask me why my daughter isn't keeping in touch with them. All I do is relay what they said. My husband also reminded her that they are family and do care about her and that she should make an effort to keep in touch. To the relatives I say that we relayed the message and that we did raise her properly. However, she is an adult now and on her own. Your mother needs to know that about you, too. Incidentally, your brother is also an adult. Again, keep holding your ground. If you do decide to keep in touch with your brother, it should be your decision and yours alone. It sounds like you tried and he is indifferent. Whatever happens, you can always have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried.

It is an attempt to control you and get you to do things that your mother wants. Your mother wants to play matchmaker and makeup for all the things she never did right for the family (she is the one who feels guilty). Ask her to show you all of the letters she has recieved from your brother. She doesn't keep in touch and wants to use you to make up for it, but if you do that, it will only be the beginning of a lifetime of nagging and manipulation. She will constantly nag you to bring your brother to her house and play nice tea party "Alice in Wonderland" fantasy games for her family scrapbook so she can show off a "happy family" to her friends. Just be strong and tell her "NO" once and for all. Don't try to justify your reasoning to her and don't let it be a debate. Just be firm and let her know YOU are in control of your life and will not make up for her past.

She has given up trying to get your brother to keep in touch with you and decided that YOU would be easier to manipulate (you're convenient to her, no respect for you).

You are a "treasure" to her (meaning that you come in handy to her when she has use for you, until then, she puts you on a shelf for safekeeping).

Most guys don't do the card thing until they get married, and then the wife does it.

Sounds like your mother had to be the "go-between" with everyone and always had to take control of others and know exactly what they were doing with each other. I had the same thing in my family, and it limited me developing relationships with others because my mother or father always had to be the center of it all. I never was able to develop real relationships with my siblings and relatives because of this.

One thing to remember... people can't make you feel guilty, or inferior, or control you, without your consent. It is all about control isn't it? Reclaiming the control over yourself, taking it back from others like from your mother, and doing for yourself what no other person is capable of doing - doing what's in your best interest, doing what is right for you, which does what is right for everyone else even if they don't realize it.

Your mother might not even want to control you. Controlling others is quite a burden. She had to when she raised you, but maybe she never let go when she should have. At some point the tables turn between parents and children. The kids grow up and assume control over themselves and ultimately over the parents as they get incapable, as they regress back into being kids and then infants who need to be taken care of. Maybe she doesn't know anything else and doesn't want to let go yet, but you can't move forward without grabbing the steering wheel from her.