You would be amazed at some of the stories I could tell you about people “adopting” my parents.

Just choose someone you've observed who is open to talking to you. (look for open and accepting)

Retirees are perfect. Do you sit at the counter (rather than table) at the restaurant?

You’ll find a lot of “older” people use the counter as a social interaction tool.

If there is only one “older” person at the counter ask if it’s ok to sit next to them.

Be very upfront after determining they appear to have a half way decent head on their shoulders.

Say you didn’t have parents to guide you and ask their opinion.

You may find most will talk your ears off.

Just don’t take it as gospel if you get my drift....;-)

Do you live in a neighborhood where a few retirees sit “out front” and wave?

Go visit.

My Sister doesn’t have kids.

But she carries on the tradition.

She has 3 neighborhood girls that take her out on Mother’s Day.

They’re adults now, but like you didn’t have or had sheet for parents.

While we may not choose the parents who give us birth, we can damn well choose good people to act as surrogates for our needs to relate to the human race in a “proper” way.

Come to think of it, I’d also recommend a free counseling service.

They would automatically give you 3 stars for being aware you need “skills” you were never given by your parents.

Well, I hope this helps.


Your Humble Servant,

Gracefully Savage

You cannot let the past have the power over your indentity. You should only focus on the present moment as a catalyst for change and growth. You should also never rely on an outside event or person for your personal salvation. This could keep us all waiting forever right? Instead, find your salvation through your acceptance of what is and you will find that all you need will come to you.

I hope that helps

I really understand how you feel. I always thought I was adopted because I just could not imagine I could come from that family. Both my parents, still living,were dysfunctional alcoholics, and my brother, now deceased from complications of alcoholism, was a sociopath. I had no emotional education, except that the world was full of turmoil and I had to later learn not to be addicted to drama. My uncles either sent their kids to college or set them up in businesses. From my family, nothing. I have gotten over and past that and even so, for many years, when I was down, or sick, the first thing I thought about was calling one of them. Thinking about it is all I do, because I know my parents are toxic. I either suck it up, or talk to someone who is supportive.

I know that they had problems and problems handling those problems. To have children was the last thing they needed. I grew up to be a victim because I did not know how to stand up for myself or to say no.

I was intelligent, mature for my age, and gave good advice to others. I did not know how to give good advice to myself, and inside I was a mess. I finally got to my late thirties, and had a talk with myself. I said, "Girl, if you don't take care of yourself, who will? If you don't love yourself, who will? You can blame your parents for what happened to you up until you were 18 and left home, but your life after that was due to your own choices. No matter, we won't dwell on that now, that would not be productive. From now on I will love myself, take care of myself and give myself the pleasure I never had as a child. I will be my own parent. I will choose people who support me, and if I need someone, and there is no one, I will support myself. Out with the old life and in with the new!"

I would like to tell you everything has been great/perfect from that point; it has not. But I don't cry every night and ask God to take me in my sleep like I did in my early teens. Because I had such a hard life, I am more compassionate, more caring with others, but my new respect for myself keeps me from losing myself in another person.

Do I look at the past with regret? Only occasionally, when I realize in the past I didn't fulfill my potential. But NOW, in this moment, I am making my tomorrow. I have a choice to be bitter, like my mother, angry like my father, or at peace. I choose peace. This means I realize I did the best I could with the background I had, and I can choose to put the past behind me (my other choice is to let it run me, and I don't choose that!)

Now, in this moment, I put a smile on my face, and thank God for the life I have. Is it perfect? What good would it do me to think of how it is not perfect. I choose to look at what is good in my life.

A long time ago, I had a huge emotional upset, and had to make a long trip. I could not even drive and asked my friend to drive. I sobbed and sobbed. We went through a toll booth and the toll collector said to my friend in a stern voice, "Tell her she is the only one who can influence her life, not anyone else - Tell her!" It was easier to hear than to practice, but I learned.

Now I deal with my problems or give them over to God to deal with them when I can't. I know my parents would like to be happy, but really don't know how. At this point I can only love them from afar and pray for them. I choose the times I telephone them, which are few, and I monitor the themes of the conversation. They know me well enough to know I take no stuff from anyone, so they don't go there. Not an ideal relationship, but I am at peace about it. I would hope they could someday be happy, and have a good relationship with me, but that it up to them. The important thing right now is that I have a good relationship with me.

There is the family we were born into, and the family we choose. It takes practice to choose wisely, but it can be done. For years, I went to 12 step meetings. If I went to ones I did not qualify for, I just sat quietly. No one makes you talk. I took short classes, and seminars. Here I meet supportive people. I stay away from making close friends in my workplace or even neighborhood, although I make it a point to smile and be charming. And if no encouraging person is around, I just encourage myself.

Have faith.

Yes. It is called mentoring. You need a mentor!
Or, you could choose a nice couple and "adopt" them, yourself, as godparents, or honorary parents/grandparents. Even a person who is close to your own age, but just a little older (say, 5-10 years older) could be a good role model/mentor.

I have seen my aunt and uncle (nearing 60 now) "adopt" numerous people, youth and adults, singles and couples, alike. They do as you said. They talk, they share, they care, they listen, they give solid advice, they invite them to their house for meals, they go visit them at their house, they talk on the phone, they send e-mails, they introduce them to their friends, they invite them on retreats, etc.

If you already know of someone (a nice couple or individual) who seems like a potential mentor, then initiate a closer relationship with them. If you don't know any positive role models, then you will need to search out some. Churches tend to be better places than bars, as a generalization - if you know what I mean. Some places are better places to look than others.

I hope you can find someone to fill that void in your life.

If nothing else, you might consider being a regular visitor at a nursing home or assisted living/retirement center in your area. You could help fill a void and build a relationship with some of those lovely elderly people who are isolated and lonely, yet have a lot of wisdom and love to share.