Will you date a man not driving and ... 
speechlessly50
17 y
2,292
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Dear All,
I appreciate advise on dating a man insist on not driving for the rest of his life and if married with me, will live in Oakland, California. I lived in Santa Clara County, California, and this guy came to our church while his friends took him along for joined churches activities.
At those time, I was very illed, and was tender heart to be nice with fellow Christians and make friends with people that I came across. He called me and prayed for me before I went for all hospital procedures, so he is very kind. I knew part of my turning well are from his consistent prayers. Currently, he lives in Oakland, and on Lake Merrit that area. I never lived in San Francisco nor Oakland, and was driving since I was 19 year old. I never dare to drive to San Francisco nor Oakland due to the roads are more narrow, uphill and downhill parking, and had experienced people passing by me rudely and swearing. As for Oakland, even at 1:00p, in the parking lots of a Chinese Restaurant, people asked me for money with my parents and siblings walking next to me. I am scared of Oakland, though I don't mean any offense. If I marry this guy, he said he wants to live in Oakland. He does'nt even want to live in Daly City for he can take the bart to Oakland where he teaches, and I can drive to the hi-tech companies in the Silicon Valley to work. He said he can show me how one can get a good job and not living in the Silicon Valley, and show me how to save money. This guy is borned in USA, but had never driven a car, and he is now 50 year old. I know public transportation saves a lot of money, however, the convenience and shorter time in transportation are something important to me, besides I don't like to walk in cold weather. This guy continue to say I don't know how to live in any situation. I just don't want to live poor, from having a car to marrying someone who insisted on not driving, and asked me to buy a second hand car of $1000, while he can rebuild it. I feared soon he will ask me not to drive.
When I said I need to work, and asked this guy to live in a place that at least I felt I can park comfortable, he then said I don't have to work. I doubt if I don't have to work for this guy is a saver. In any restaurant we went, he will pick the most economical food, and will say to me if I pick something not so economical. Savings is good, but I wasn't brought up to me that thrifty as not to have a car nor be so calculating in spending money. Any opinion on this is helpful, for I don't know if I am missing life of real humble people living, and don't know if I should change or just marry someone who drives, and spend money the same way as I do.
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- cheep cheep... #66817
17 y
2,083
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This is a reply to # 817,354Nothing wrong with a humble lifestyle, if it is lived with grace and a generous spirit. HOWEVER..
This man sounds like he is just plain cheap, and it will probably only get worse. If you are not of the same mind as him, it can make for some very unpleasant days ahead. He sounds like he might be one who obsesses about money, always worrying about the cost of things, etc etc. It already sounds as if you will be subject to his rules for living, and if you are not like minded and believe in the same things it will become burdensome to you. Also, sounds like everything has to be his way, with no regard for your own feelings.
I did not hear much mention of your feelings for him other than he is a sweet man who prayed for you during a tough time. You will have to give up your life, your home, your local friends, your comfort zone. I would weigh that against what sounds like more of a companionship type relationship than one based upon mutual respect, shared ideals and love.
don't settle.
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- Red Flags.... Raynbo
17 y
1,997
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This is a reply to # 817,354If you live with him (let alone marry him) and let him support you, you will be totally under this thumb, and if he is ALREADY watching how much what you eat costs while you are dating....your life could be a living hell.
The are red flags all over this one. Take it real sloooow.
Why in the world won't he drive? There is another issue....
- Re: Red Flags.... coocookitty
17 y
2,014
MoreThis is a reply to # 817,619Sorry but it sounds like you two have way too many things different to make a reasonable relationship out of.
Stop right now and imagine what life could be like with this guy, in a town your not familiar with, no car, tight with money. Sounds like argument city to me.
- Re: Red Flags.... coocookitty
17 y
2,014
- Re: Will you date a man not driving ... molly bloom
17 y
1,909
This is a reply to # 817,354Let me give you my take on geography...
I live next to Oakland. Oakland is a very stressful city. I know many people that live there, but they live in the hills, and shop in Berkeley or Piedmont, and they are young. Lake Merrit, while beautiful, has an OK side and a bad side. My grandmother lived on the good side in a senior building, and her neighbor was mugged at the front door. And that was 30 years ago. I've watched them try very hard to revitalize that city, and in some cases they have made it better, but in some ways it's much more violent. I would feel more comfortable living in San Francisco than Oakland. And I did live in San Francisco for many years, and I worked in both Oakland and San Leandro. I am very familiar with the area.
Personally, I think you might be very unhappy there.
And to give it all up for a guy who you are already having some doubts? How long have you known this man?
I am 50 years old also. That is not that old. If you are 50, that is way too soon to give up your life and career, unless you are head over heels in love with this man. Are you? Do you just have the desire to be with him all the time? It's hard to tell about your emotional attachment from the email.
I agree with the other posters, no need to jump into things. Get to know him much much better. Time will tell you all you need to know.
Molly
- Dump this weirdo. StoryOfMyLife
17 y
2,022
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This is a reply to # 817,354I don't think the driving thing is a big deal considering he's 50..
It's everything else that sets up red flags and doesn't sound right. This guy sounds like a weirdo. You would *have* to move there and live in a city you're not comfortable in.. I've never been to CA but I know there's areas around here I'd never want to live in. Neither one of you should have to "Change" but should be able to come to a compromise..Like you said, move somewhere he can easily get to work and you're not in an area you feel uncomfortable in. If he's in any way making you feel guilty for this then that's another reason to dump this guy.
I'd be afraid of him telling you not to drive and obsess over every little financial thing that would end up breaking you up in the end anyway. 2 different backgrounds, 2 different beliefs on how one should "live in a situation" (whatever that comment of his meant) .. You'd be fighting over it forever. Imagine xmas shopping or furniture shopping and you picking out nice things you want and can afford while he's behind you saying "too expensive lets save money". LOL.
And maybe it's just me, but I'd be weary of a guy who says "you don't have to work", like one of those weirdos that believe the woman should be home raising the kids and in the kitchen while the guy works. And to take your car away so you're really stuck at home. Seriously anyone else get the weirdo impression?
- Re: Dump this weirdo. #68716
17 y
1,941
This is a reply to # 817,885Not just a weirdo, but sounds like a narcissist, to me. EVERYTHING revolves around what HE is wanting.
You would have to surrender everything that is important to you and move to Oakland (my brother lives in Alameda, so I know about Oakland) into a socio-economic situation that is not only dangerous, but thoroughly depressing, as well.
I would suggest that you give this some very, very serious thought: what are YOUR motives for entering into a relationship with this person? Do you feel thoroughly safe and comfortable? Is this a realtionship based upon absolute honesty and partnership? What will HE be surrendering for the sake of the relationship?
I married a man that insisted upon all of the above, AND he claimed to be a wonderful Christian who would quote the Bible, etc. It wasn't until I was 6000 miles away from home, friends, support, and safety (we got stationed in Hawaii) that I began to see precisely what I was dealing with.
I would strongly urge you to use caution and rethink this whole scenario. THEN, check out the Narcissist/Sociopath Forum on curezone.
Best of luck to you.
- Re: Dump this weirdo. #68716
17 y
1,941
- Re: Will you date a man not driving ... splash
17 y
1,997
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
This is a reply to # 817,354Life is short & this sounds like too much of a compromise. Driving in the Bay area is a necessity especially living in Oakland. The enviroment there is challenging & having a car to leave is vital.
It sounds like you already know this person isn't right for you.
There is a whole world of people out there and once you choose a person it is harder to then leave. When you marry someone there shouldn't be any question in your heart or mind.
If it's a YES than it will be a YES...while it's still an "I don't know it's a NO....!!!!
Everything in life is a reflection of your choices. Settling will make you bitter and this man sounds like he will make your life miserable. Toss him back to the universe and ask for someone better to share your life with...!!!
K. - More than just geography Alikat
17 y
1,889
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
This is a reply to # 817,354This is obviousluy not just about Oakland vs. Santa Clara and everywhere else in between. This is about two people forcing a commitment to happen where there doesn't seem to be a real relationship. He has every right to live his life as he has always done, taking Bart, buses,(hitchhike?) and rides from others, but he doesn't have a right to expect you to change the way you have been living your life to accomodate him.
I don't hear anything that sounds like either of you is willing to make some adjustments or compromise in order to achieve the ultimate, which would be being together in spite of some troublesome logistics. When two people really understand and love each other, making changes to their individual lifestyles is a challenge, but not a nuisance and a burden.
Like most other posters have said, everything you mention is an indication of severe conflict and unhappiness in the future. Eventually you would hit countless other sources of antagonism, ie: what's necessary or not in the household, paying bills, what food to buy at the store, do you take vacations or not, can you get yourself that new pair of shoes you don't really need, but would love to have....etc....
I'm very curious though,you say he doesn't drive, but could fix an old $1000.00 junker?...at any rate, there's no way even a rebuilt engine can take the drive from Oakland to San Jose twice a day for very long. You'd soon be needing another trash can on wheels, plus the tow truck expense from somewhere on 880 to home.
The question to ask yourself is, why would you be willing to change your comfort zone to enter into something that holds so little promise?.... - Re: Will you date a man not driving ... StoryOfMyLife
17 y
2,272
R
This is a reply to # 817,354This paragraph really sticks out too:
Quote:
"At those time, I was very illed, and was tender heart to be nice with fellow Christians and make friends with people that I came across. He called me and prayed for me before I went for all hospital procedures, so he is very kind. I knew part of my turning well are from his consistent prayers."
Please don't make the mistake of marrying this guy because you feel like you're alive because of him, he saved you with his prayers and now you OWE him. You don't owe him your life and you don't have to change yourself to the point where you won't be happy with him.
"When I said I need to work, and asked this guy to live in a place that at least I felt I can park comfortable, he then said I don't have to work. "
lol. So to feel safe you can lock yourself in the house with a baseball bat or a gun in some ghetto city where it's scary to even go out and get the mail. What a great life you'll have with this guy. (sarcasm)
- cheep cheep... #66817
17 y
2,083
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