Forgiveness is not I forgive you but.... My alcoholic former wife used to say "but" cancels everything you said before you say but. God forgives us by forgetting all harm and only seeing love within us. There is no I forgive you but... For us humans it more difficult. I was married to a blazing alcoholic who I very much loved but she was dangerous to herself and others. I could forget the harm she did to herself and others but I had to get out of her range of damage. I moved to Mexico for a year to escape being caught up in her self destruction...but when I returned, she was still there causing damage to others in my place. I couldn't save her from herself... but I loved her. I could forget harm... but any sensible person gets out of the way of an oncoming truck. In heaven there are no oncoming trucks...There are no tears...and there is no pain...The love that we give and the love that we received is all that remains. What I failed to forgive in this world will not make it into the next but still I should do my best to forgive here in this life to have more of me make it into the next.

My former wife died from alcoholism and although I could not be around her while she was struggling with her inner demons, she is in no longer in pain. We are friends now. I talk to her sometimes. When I am alone driving in my car on a long trip, I sometimes smile and think of good things about her and beautiful moments we shared. Her life was mixed up with alcoholism and her inability to cure herself of that allergy. I was supposed to be married to her through sickness and health but I didn't do it. I don't know if I have forgiven myself completely for that yet. I saw being around her as a sure path to my own self destruction back then. Sometimes I own my selfish lack of forgiveness that made me run away but today I wonder what lesson I was supposed to learn about not going down with the ship with her?

Today, I will forgive myself and continue to love. If I dodge a Mac truck today then I will just have to realize that that for me to continue to learn the lessons of love and forgiveness, I have to be alive to do it. I should not blame the truck driver for being dangerous to my life only that I should learn there are rules of the road. You walk in front of Mac Trucks and the game is over. I don't know why I posted these thoughts this morning. I guess I needed to lie to myself a little to make myself feel better.